Life As We Know It- note of interest

This is going to become a bit of a rant and rave I am sure, but I am feeling frustrated by myself as well as some other peoples opinions right now. A friend called me yesterday and told me she had read my blog and was disturbed by the graphic details I had used. ( if said friend reads this you know who you are and although annoyed I am not angry.) I am dealing with enough bullshit for six right now, and I rarely even take the time to talk to anyone, so please do not annoy me with nitpicking my blog pages if I do pick up the phone.

I feel I need to clarify a few things though seeing as if one person out of the hundreds of my viewers is feeling this way I assume others may be as well. First off this is MY blog. This is a space for me to vent my feelings and keep track of what I felt when, to hopefully be better composed later as a book. Suffering from Postpartum I have found that there are way too few books on the subject available. The facts are this though I am suffering from post partum depression that entered into full blown post partum psychosis. I blog my feelings as I felt them, as I have nothing to hide. The subject of postpartum issues has been made out to be taboo. The fact that it has been addressed in that manner makes people feel bothered to read about some one's experiences on that road.

There is no candy coating post partum depression though. When you have it the world sucks. You suck, you are alone, no one can relate and you place enough guilt and shame on your own shoulders for having the thoughts that nothing anyone says could be worse. I write this and do so in vivid details because I want to be a voice. I want to become a survivor of this awful disease for a second time. I want other families who are suffering as well to open my pages and feel at home. I want them to know I relate. I want them to know it is OK to talk about this and they have nothing to hide. When you suffer from this that is all you do do is suffer. Most days it feels like it will never let up. I want them to know others have been there and are still kickin even when they wish they were not.

I do not even feel sorry for those who are disturbed by the images I create. I do not feel sorry because these visions can not even come close to what it really feels like, but if I paint it vivid enough that you can feel it then I have done my job as a writer. You should feel disturbed! These thoughts are disturbing, so no I won't change my wording or make it out in less details. As you get a feeling of sadness or disgust due to my blog though you need to keep a few notes in mind.

First I live this life and have every right in the world to document my story if I so please. I will be using graphic details, so consider yourself warned. Second when I express details as I have often in the past about wanting to harm myself or thinking of a fear of hurting the children you should know I have already felt the feelings I am describing and have dealt with them in one way or another. In case you have not picked up on this yet I write in past tense. I find descibing what I felt easier when I know the outcome already. I can assure you the children and I are safe or you would probably already have heard about me on the news. I can also guarantee you that the daddy I would have to get through to hurt them is big and tough. I am sure even more so if provoked, which is why I have never been afraid to tell him my thoughts as they occur. When I am so sick that I can not feel anything to make me want to love and defend my children; I go to the next best thing. I go to my better half who I know loves me, but no matter what love he holds he loves me and his children enough to make damn sure I don't hurt them. We must also note that having thought is very different from acting on a thought. Third take notes as I personally chose to tell Randy everything I was feeling from the get go. I have told someone anytime I felt even slightly out of control. Does that change what my thoughts were saying? No, but they are just that- thoughts NOT plans. You can be reassured of that seeing as I am upset by these thoughts, that I do remove myself from the situation and tell someone my thoughts, and the fact that I am blogging it. Does this mean that I do not become scared when I have these thoughts? NO. The thoughts are gruesome and scary and there is always a fear of snapping when you have postpartum. The statistics however are better for those that have been afraid of the thoughts and bothered, but never once acted on them despite a fear that they could.

I will share the gruesome details so that another woman does not come here and get false ideas that she is all alone and so much worse then I was. I will also share them to paint a vivid realistic picture of what I am dealing with. It is not fun, pretty,uplifting, motivating,or wrong. It just is. It is a disease that strikes thousands of women a year, yet we are still made to feel it is wrong and something to hide in shame. Am I proud of having these thoughts? HELL NO! But it is what I have to face still everyday. It is what the cards dealt to me have to say. I did not get a choice in the matter. If I had I would still be at home madly in love with my husband and children. They were my life and having this problem sucks, But I won't hide my head in the sand. I won't change words because a friend was horrified at the images I put in her head with graphic details. I will pave a path for others who suffer in the hopes that if enough exposure is given maybe people will address the problem. I will write to get the letters from fathers thanking me for giving them hope. I will write to educate. We know we have a problem when we are suffering, We know we need help, We know it will never be OK to have these thoughts no matter if the subject is addressed. It will always be a disturbing thing. It will always be a medical emergency in my opinion. It should not ever be looked on as an acceptable thing to think..But at the same time we must stop faulting women who do have these thoughts because of the disease. When the postpartum takes hold you loose the right to control your own thinking. Is it fair to fault someone for that? Is it fair to make them feel shame more then they already do? If we were more educated on this disease maybe more women could speak up to a Dr, family member or friend. I had no second thoughts when this all started. I knew it was not OK. I knew something bad happened. I knew I was scared to be alone...But you know what I never once was afraid of? I never not once had to wonder if my husband would hear me out and try his best to help me. So no the graphic details will not be changing, but I hope you will continue reading so that the day I say something hopeful or have finally found my way home so to speak...Well I will be vivid in that too, and I hope that you all will be there to celebrate and rejoice with me. I am certain there will be more falls before that day, but I am trying to hold onto some small amount of hope that it will happen. See there is that slight sliver of light under the door again. Maybe if I stand here long enough I will find a way to open the door and actually bathe myself in the sunlight.

If you still don't understand and accept my blog as what it is, that is not for lack of effort on my side. I do not write to offend. I must say that although annoyed I also respect my friend though. She came to me and spoke to me as a human when she was offended. She could have just as easily judged me or wanted nothing to do with our friendship anymore. She did not do that though she came to me and treated me as the friend I am. She led the way in letting me know she did not feel differently about me, just upset by the details I used to decribe my illness-I also think she understands a little more now after our talk. I can only hope anyone else who reads my pages and may possably have been upset by the painted images will take a long look again at all of my story and will read this part first to know why the details are there.
To be cotinued...