Life As We Know It- part 11

I am back to feeling like I do not want to be alone. I am scared to drive as it makes me feel out of control. I am too tempted to do something because I am so ashamed. I do not want to go to any of my meetings anymore out of want- It is forced. I don't want to have to see my psychiatrist tomorrow as I am afraid he will put me back in the hospital or tell me he feels ECT ( shock therapy) is our only option now. I also feel like I am letting him down. No matter what he tries with me it seems to backfire. Either I can not take it, or it stops working after a while, or it never works to begin with. I am sick of talk therapy as I feel it is not getting me anywhere. I do not feel like I am accomplishing anything or feeling better as a result of it. I do not want to talk to anyone and even let calls from my closest friends go to the machine. I can function in the world as I showed at the party on Saturday. The problem is I can pretend well. I do not intentionally do it, but I want others to enjoy themselves even though I feel nothing. I do not feel enjoyment or happiness. I don't want them feeling pity or talking about how bad Randall's wife is doing. I don't want the reputation of being the crazy one. I was so much more prior!! I want to be the woman I was and to be respected for being a mommy that can handle four kids aged 5 and under. I took pride when someone was shocked or sat in awe wondering how we did it. We just did. It was our life and you don't question it at all when you are living it......Why can't I get back there? Why can't I just live and not question again??


Today was another rough day for me. I awoke late in the morning only to realize I had missed my first of many appointments today. I was supposed to have my second round of acupuncture for this week. I guess it is not that big of a deal seeing as I really honestly did not feel like facing anyone again today. I was still nervous about having to drive my car to the Dr appointment in the afternoon and I was extremely hyper focused on that. I was still fighting off feelings of guilt inside myself for all I am putting my family through. I worry about how much Randy can really take. I know one day he is going to snap and be past the point of dealing with me...Then what? Then I am even more alone in this world and would be out the one support I have as well as my kids. I want to feel in my heart that I love them all again. Yesterday was an awful day...I hate days like that. They make me realize how quickly everything can slip back downhill again. They make me realize how far from normal I still am. I know in my heart I love these kids somewhere as I would never have had them if I did not want them....I want to be that woman again.

Feeling so lost and helpless in this world sucks. You feel like no matter what you do you get judged. You go to a hospital- you are grouped with the crazies in others eyes. You call out for help and no one seems to hear or care. You judge yourself- as the looser you are at that point. You know that none of what you feel makes sense yet it scares you as you have no control over the thoughts. Then there is the guilt for having ever even thought the thoughts. There is just no winning. Having to take a pill to feel normal makes you realize how abnormal you really are.

Speaking of pills I had to go to my Psychiatrist today for my emergency meeting Randy scheduled yesterday. He has added pill number 4 to my daily mix. I sure as hell hope he gets this cocktail right soon as I am fighting a loosing battle and may need a REAL cocktail if this keeps happening. ( And all you other crazies out there know we are not supposed to drink on our meds....That puts a slight damper in my plans!) I still feel like I am letting him down since he is trying so hard to "fix" me. I just want to be not broken again! I do not understand how you wake up one morning just BROKEN. Broken and a totally opposite person from who you really are. How do you just "lose" the love you have for your spouse? The Dr. today told me that he feels that my depression still has not lifted. Gee You think!? DUH! Here I was thinking everyone went around having crazy insane thoughts of hurting themselves! Thanks Doc! Here is your 100.00 for that diagnosis. I am sure I never would have gotten to this conclusion on my own....
The Dr. told me he feels that I may be dealing with some ADD which is complicating things. He of course still feels that Bipolar may be a possibility as well. ( I thought we were past this...) I still say that is not it though and my Psychologist agrees. He ( Psychiatrist) told me he felt I was doing a good job of fighting these thoughts on my own, but that I needed a little more help from a med. He still said he has no real plan for me as he is so limited with the drug choices due to my SSRI allergy. We discussed trying yet another SSRI and chancing it, but he feels I have trialed enough of them that we can safely assume I will react the same. He told me he was proud of me and had no worries sending me home when I asked if he felt I needed hospitalization again. THANK GOD he said no! He said I seemed to be open with my husband about my feelings and he would trust me to continue doing that and to contact him if I needed anything or had another bad day. I am glad he has such faith inme. I just hope I never let him down again.
I was terrified of the hospital. I recall not so long ago wanting to go back, but I seem to have come so far it feels it would be admitting defeat to have to go back again now. I will learn to survive this on the outside! At least I sure as hell hope so...I let some woman put needles in me trying to fight this for god sake!
As I said before no stone will be left unturned. I still feel shitty today, but at least I have a little hope after getting a new drug. I hate the drugs, but if it snaps me back to me I am game! I can also pat myself on the back as I started the day with the kids running around this morning and I managed to keep cool. I said goodbyes and I love yous as a good little mommy should. I just wish I felt those words again! I even sat and watched Zoey for a while unbenounced to everyone else who thought I was sleeping. I can not understand my own thought process. I go from caring who she is in daycare with to feeling bad about daycare to being afraid of hurting her like I was in the start back to my normal BAD day. I don't feel hate or anger towards any of my kids though. Of course that is when the guilt steps in. I know in my heart I could never actually hurt any of them at least that is what I have to believe. I don't feel I would keep talking about it and putting such blame on myself and feeling the guilt if I could. That is my hope at least...I have to have hope in something right? I figure I am so far into a deep dark hole right now that if I haven't snapped yet I probably wont. The thought that I could still scares the shit out of me though. No mom should ever have to think these thoughts! No parent for that matter, but for it to be the one who birthed them..Oh the shame I feel. Shame that reminds me what a bad mom I am being right now.

I can be thankful for at least one thing though- I made it through these last few days and am starting to see some light again just like before. It is not much light more like a tiny sliver of light shining in from under a shut door..But it is light. Not only did I survive, but I did it at home. I am heading back to my fathers house as I still do not feel up to staying 100% of the time, But I did it! I still don't see much that motivates me to keep going, but I did it! Each time I make it through one of these horrid backtracking pitfalls I feel a little more at ease when they start to lift. They never seem to fully lift, but even the start of it brings some relief. I dread the next one all the more each time. It gets harde to stand up again each time. I wonder how many falls can one take before they give up? I am not sure of this answer yet, but I hope that one day I can answer this better then the owl with the tootsie pop. I hope one day I have my life back. I hope that one day I can say I am stronger for all this. I hope one day I love my family again.

That day is not today and I doubt it will be tomorrow, but at least after two psych. Dr appointments and a new drug to be hopeful of I can say I hope to see another day. It's not much, but at this point I'll take it. I just wish I could see when my someday was going to appear. I wish I could know how many times I must fall and what I can really take. I hope I can at the very least answer these things someday. I hope that someday my kids forget about Mommy being sick and having to live with Pop Pop. I hope My husband and my children forgive me someday. I hope that I can forgive myself someday. I hope I finally get the chance to be what I wanted my whole life...A Mommy. I sucked out of it pretty bad for now, but I never intended this pain! I hope that all involved will know this some day.
To be continued...