Life As We Know It- part 12

That day is not today and I doubt it will be tomorrow, but at least after two psych. Dr appointments and a new drug to be hopeful of I can say I hope to see another day. It's not much, but at this point I'll take it. I just wish I could see when my someday was going to appear. I wish I could know how many times I must fall and what I can really take. I hope I can at the very least answer these things someday. I hope that someday my kids forget about Mommy being sick and having to live with Pop Pop. I hope My husband and my children forgive me someday. I hope that I can forgive myself someday. I hope I finally get the chance to be what I wanted my whole life...A Mommy. I sucked out of it pretty bad for now, but I never intended this pain! I hope that all involved will know this some day.


I wrote my last LAWKI entry nearly a week ago now. I started my new medication and promptly stopped it four days later. The side effects of it hd to have been far worse then what the depression can throw me. I told my husband and my Father that I have never touched an illegal drug in my lifetime, but this had to be like tripping. A bad trip at that. The first night I felt nauceous and like the room was swaying and spinning. I was dizzy and things kept going out of focus. The second day I still felt like the room was swaying. That made me feel like I was sea sick. Then everything started to go out of focus and look like it was moving when it was not. It made things appear to be vibrating and often coming at me. At the best moments of clarity looking at things reminded me of looking at a hot roadway in the summer heat. You know how you can see lines of heat rising? Yeh well everything I looked at I had to look at through those lines. The third day I felt aggitated and very low emotionally, but at least the world was not moving. By day four I was feeling what I feel is equivalent of rage and was very depressed again. I told Randy I saw a picture of one of our children on the wall and it made me want to rip it up. Even on my bad days prior I never had a problem with the pictures. I may not have felt much to look at them, but I never wanted to ruin them! I also was very irritable. The kids were screeching when I called Randy and it was like nails on a blackboard. I had to go to the house to pick up some things, and I told Randy to expect it to be a fast trip and I was coming when the kids were in bed.

Because I had been taking this med at around 8pm but I obviously was not safe to drive on it, so I did not take it before leaving. By the time that 11:30pm rolled around and I was still at the house looking through some bins of baby things I was giving to someone on trade I was feeling good. I felt calm again, I was able to talk to randy and laugh at a video he had taped the night prior. Then the baby woke up and smiled up at me and started cooing. Right then and there at least for that moment I was sold. I picked her up and played a little with her. I changed her diaper, and passed her to daddy well I made her a bottle. I told Randy at that moment I felt I could come home and learn to adjust...IF it were just me, him, and the baby. Not forever, Not I want to erase the other children from my life...I just can not seem to be able to tolerate the hecticness that comes withthe amount of them and thier ages right now. This is n no way there fault, and I loved the experiance usually....Right now it is complicated though.

I noticed about two hours after I should have taken the medicin that a bad headach started. We looked up side effects and listed under wihdrawl off this drug was a headache, seizures, body aches, suicide tendancies, anxiety, and hallucinations. Great so coming down off this I would have a headache that was going to make me want to die which would lead to anxiety and then I will start to hallucinate about ways to go about it, but then my muscles will ache so bad that I would not be able to act on anything if I wanted to...Oh but have no fear as just when I am at such a miserable point that I feel I can take no more I will have a seizure! WOOHOOO. I actually lucked out probably because I was not on the drug long term. I got a bad headache for two days and my body ached. I also felt very jittery like I drank way too much coffee, and my insides felt warm well my hands and feet felt cold. I was back to my old miserable plain depressed self by day two's end.

Maybe it was having felt so awful on the drug in between or maybe I really have been having a couple of good days, but after the withdrawl affects of the medication were done I felt good. Not dancing in the streets, set up a parade I am coming home good, but good. I was not anxious, I did not feel aggitated or rage towards anyone, I did not feel sick. I just felt...normal. Certainly not 100%, but any amount of normal I will take.

Today was not as good as yesterday, but it was still good. I had a DR. appointment and was hoping maybe we could get my estrogen figured out. The Dr has sent me on to see another DR reguarding the estrogen. It is like nobody knows what to do about this problem, yet everyone agrees it could be part of the problem. They also tested me for some rare pregnancy complication that can affect your liver and the pituiary gland which in turn affects your hormones. They said they do not think I will have this as it is very rare, but being that I have all the symptoms he felt obligated to test me. It would be just my luck with the way everything else has gone with this prgnancy recovery.

So lets just hope that the good vibes continue for me. I just want to get through christmas. I feel the kids deserve me to be at the house on christmas morning, but that is going to make for a very long and stressful day for me. Once christmas is over I still have to make it through my anniversary. I am still trying to figure out how to go about that one. How do you celebrate being together when you can't feel the love OF being together? I don't know, but I sure hope that the new year brings back my old life. I have had a few good days, but I still miss me.
To be continued....