Life As We Know It- part 15

Hello, hello my loving blog readers. Yes it really is me again. I did not drop off the face of the planet as it must have seemed.( OK maybe that is not so funny right now....) Actually I have had a fairly decent two weeks. I had my ups and downs, but I feel about 70% on the new dosage of medicine.

So lets see where did I leave off at.... Oh yeah
For the most part I KNOW that those days will pass now, and I know I will feel better even when my brain says I never will. For the most part I am not where I want to be yet, but I can see the huge hill I have climbed already just by stopping for a minute to turn around and enjoy the view. I do not know when it happened or even how, but for the most part I think I am starting to be a little stronger for having had the experience. I still have trouble feeling, and I still have a hill to finish climbing, and I still am not 100%, but I will get there. I may have to stop and take breaks along the way and I may slip and fall from time to time...But I will get there. I have to, I am a Mommy, a Wife, and one hell of a person to know. I never used to give myself that credit...Now I know to take it and to also ensure I exist as me as well as being mommy and wife. Now I know to take a deep breathe, talk to my spouse, pop a pill when it gets ugly, and hold on tight for the ride. Now I know when the ride ends I may not want to hop back on and do it again, but I will think wow that was awesome and look you lived. As even the bad days are awesome if you make it through them....The bad just magnifies when you are in the midst and life spins out of control like a teacup.


So now to catch you all up. I spent New Years Eve here with my husband as I should have being that it is also our Anniversary. We watched the ball drop and evil Knievel's son jump in LA, and we played a game of electronic monopoly where I kicked some major butt on my husband! I stayed at the house for the next 6 nights before deciding once and for all I needed to make a decision to officially try coming back home. I figured that I can't adjust and make this my new norm again until I am here. So here I be. I am doing OK. It is stressful and harder then I would like. I still get scared I could hurt myself or one of the kids. I have noticed however that when I have these thoughts now It is not a "I am going to go get a baseball bat and knock that kids head, but it is an I COULD hurt them not an I want to hurt them. Big difference there even if they are both hard to emotionally deal with. The amount of times that these thoughts are felt has decreased ten fold though! I also can drive down a road again without thinking of driving the car into the side cliffs or over a guardrail. That is a relief!

I actually have taken notice lately that I am so afraid of HAVING these thoughts that I "check in" with myself often. It is like
"OK, I feel a little off....Oh No! Quick do I feel like slicing my wrists open....Nope, well alright maybe everything is...OH No! Do I feel like I want to hurt one of the kids?"
No is usually my answer to both, but because I am thinking about it and making myself notice if I am feeling those things I am keeping it on my mind, and thus begins a vicious cycle all over again. It is like that ride on the teacups. I do not do so well on the teacup ride. There are too many circle motions happening all at once in too many directions. I can do roller coasters, I can do Ferris wheels, I love to be shot up or down large towers at amazing rates of speed. I am a amusement park Junkie if we must be honest. That is until we hit the teacups.

That is so fitting of how my life feels right now. I am circling in too many directions at once and I can't get off the ride. I would do anything to be back on the platform with the world no longer spinning, but I am stuck Seat belted and metal barred into a little metal Teacup replica- And to top it off I am sitting next to the ugly fat kid who LOVES this ride and wants the thing to spin off from its base and fly away. So he keeps spinning and spinning on that little circle in the middle making you spin faster and faster....Yeah I hate that ugly fat kid. My ugly fat kid is my own brain though. I hate my brain right now. I want to stop analyzing everything. I want to just live again like I once did. I want to enjoy my children. I do not want to look my husband in the eyes and see questions in them. Questions that go unanswered far too often. Questions of things that far too often I have no answers for.
Things like will She ever just say I LOVE YOU again and mean it? Will she ever be the same person again? Will I be able to handle taking care of her, the kids, and the house well maintaining some sanity myself? When will she be able to go back to living our old life where she cares for the house and kids....Better yet scratch the when WILL she ever?
I do not know Hun, I just do not know. If you want to hold down the fat kid and throttle him a few times for spinning me like this- well maybe I will come back around....Oh wait- Never mind that may be detrimental to our marriage... and Hey that kid resembles you somehow...Just kidding.

In all honesty I know he would never have even let me step onto this ride to begin with if I had not begged, jumping up and down excitedly. I know he still would have said No! Had he had even an inkling of the harm that would come our way. Somethings you just have to experience to learn from. Besides sometimes despite being dizzy, nauseous, and sick You still have fun, and sometimes you still want to jump back on the ride again. I sure have not had "fun" but I am fairly certain at this point I will survive. I hope it gets better as I am not real happy with where I am at, but I think there may be SOME hope. ( This may change tomorrow- thus is the life of a depressed woman) As hard as the trips around and around have been I learned something...I hope my husband has too. As hard as the trips around have been I still sulk in a corner like the little girl who can not ride the ride because she will get sick. I sulk because I grieve, I grieve because I thought I would have just one more ride and be fine. I thought that I would want to hop right back on again...and now I am confused and sad because I can't. I can't because the fat kid is jumping aboard again and we know I will get sick. But it still LOOKS like so much fun, and it seems so unfair because everyone else can ride, and I REALLY really wanted to, I even saved one last ticket to go.

As Bad as the teacup event is though, I can not let it overcast my opinion on what the days entirety has been in the park. I still had fun, I can still have fun on other rides someday, and I learned who would watch out for me and keep me off the teacups next time. I learned who cared. I also had to experience hurt, and grief, and frustration when this person said what I least wanted to hear...But I know somewhere inside that they only say No because they care. They do not want me to step back into the wrong teacup and get sicker then last time....heck they don't want to see me sick at all. But it still seems so unfair on all ends of the spectrum, after all most everyone else rides and does not get sick...and most everyone else gets to ride whenever they like....and all I wanted was one more turn, one more turn without getting sick. I guess that maybe it is time to step back out of that amusement park. I need to so that I can put on my boots and head back up hiking on my hill. I hope I get to a spot where I can see a beautiful view. I hope I feel peace..and I hope I never forget to stop and turn around to look at what I have already done. I also hope someday I stop grieving for that teacup ride and return to a park to enjoy everything else that I CAN do. I hope someday I notice and know in my heart how awful those teacups were. That indeed it may not be fair, but to forget about it and go on and enjoy the other sites! After all there are many other rides out there to enjoy aren't there.