C Shell? C Shell Crazy with kids by a c shore

Fragmented Dreams

2010-07-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since ai last wrote in my blog. This last week has left me floored by hard decisions to make though, and then the shock of my life that left me shocked while at the same time staring face to face by a blatantly obvious blessing from God.

About a week ago I found out my husband and I were expecting another baby. A second condom baby. Visions floated through my head in all directions. I saw my family that I always dreamed of, I saw myself dying, I saw a baby who brought me back to myself, I saw angry family members, I saw lack of support, I saw my husband crippled by fear, I saw 9 months of fear and wonder, I saw my life as I tried so hard to come to terms with terminating a baby I always wanted. Yes, I was so scared, confused, terrified of dying ( from Hellp or postpartum psychosis complications), so afraid to face the unknowns that after speaking to one of my Dr's and remembering vividly all the speeches we had heard two years ago from my OB, and nurses on maternity, and ER staff, and psychiatrists...recalling everyone of them saying we could NOT have another baby as it would almost definitely kill me. I researched my odds and I had about a 60% chance of having Hellp again.....after many many tears, lots of praying, talking to my husband, talking to our neighbor, and trying to make peace with myself I decided we needed to at least go in and speak to a DR. regarding terminating the pregnancy.

This was the hardest thing I think I have ever had to decide. You see my entire life I have been pro life. I think there are cases like rape where only that mother can decide for herself and the option should exist legally for her, but over all I would hope she would decide to give that child life. I never thought I would find myself in these circumstances.

I cried myself to sleep the night before going in. I was so scared of what the office would be like. One of the main things we needed to know was an exact dating from ultrasound. I arrived, and sat next to two other women filling out the same forms. Randy held my hand, and I could barely focus. All I could think was what these other women's stories were. How big was the baby they were getting rid of. How did they feel? Did they have reasons I would support or would the story they told me make me feel nothing for them and everything for this young innocent being who could not speak and they wished to dispose of. Was I hypocritical for this?

Finally I was called back where they attempted to get blood from me. If you have followed my blog you know I am TERRIFIED of blood draws. the nurse was not amused despite my telling her in advance. They would not let Randy back with me, they ended up doing a finger stick as they were I think as traumatized as me after I bawled with just the attempt. Next I was asked to pee in a cup so they could confirm pregnancy. they seemed amazed I was there so early on, I guess they do not normally see people in thinking of abortion before 8-10 weeks. I would have been around 6. They told me that more then one test would be rin if they got a negative on the first as they had different sensitivity tests available. I was then sent in for an ultrasound. The screen faced away from me. i was so thankful for this, but found it so weird. I recalled all my past ultrasounds. they were usually happy, joyful, and my husband was there to share with me. I usually anticipated this little one, not planned to end their life before it began and by my own decision. I wondered if this meant I really was the evil women I feared I was when I thought I could hurt my children during the postpartum psychosis.

The nurse then told me she could not see anything with the abdominal ultrasound, and wanted to check my tests. She said that if they were positive that we would try a vaginal ultrasound. A few minutes later she returned to tell me one of my tests was negative and one positive. We went in to check the ultrasounds again with a vaginal screening. This time we found the gestational sac. It measured 12mm and estimated at just under 6 weeks. Here is where I felt god stand with me though as the nurse tells me that there is NOTHING in my sac. She blew it up 4 times to 400% there was just an empty sac. No yolk, no fetal pole nothing. They asked if anything odd had happened or been felt. I had been having what felt to me like braxton hicks for 2 days and had noticed some light staining when I wiped the night prior. The Dr was consulted and they informed me that most likely we were looking at a blighted ovum. At 6 weeks at least a yolk sac should be seen. Definitely with a gestational sac at 12mm. I agreed to take the RU486 abortion pill rather then have to go through surgery. I was saved by a god who loves me and I him of having to make the worst decision of my life. One no mother should ever face, my life or theirs LITERALLY. I felt guilty that I was leaning towards mine when in the past my baby would always have won. It was then my husband pointed out I never felt anything motherly or lovey this time. Apparently my heart and soul knew no child was really formed there in my womb.

I am going tomorrow to confirm all tissues have passed. The pill was not even 10% as bad as what I pictured. I can assure you I would feel totally different if a baby had been forming and I had to see it. I have miscarried 3 other times in my life. one of those was at around 9 weeks. I have seen a tiny little baby alien seahorse type thing pass. It is freaky and you never forget that child. I hope to never see the inside walls of a clinic like this again in my life after this. The staff was overall nice, and my last nurse was SO helpful. She reminded me that I am still pro life- that I was not making this decision just because, I was doing it to save a life, my own....I loved that. I still feel bad that I had to use medication to pass the sac, but I get infections easy and could not bear carrying a sac for who knows how long. Those were my options after this was found, wait it out, take the medication, or have a vacuum aspiration. Vacuum was out as I am afraid of it and just seeing the room where this would happen I nearly got sick. Thinking of all those lost souls....I still cringe and cry for those women who feel they have no way out. I feel angry as well, I dream of adopting some day and have given birth 4 times and miscarried 3 more (4 now I guess sort of) I only faced this decision because my life was truly in danger...too many use this as birth control. Too many do not want to do it because it is hard. Too many feel they are all alone.....Carry your baby and you will have made the biggest and best sacrifice one can. You will never again be all alone. Yes it is hard, but what is it for your child who is ripped from you feeling every bit of it and dying all alone. I get your fear. I get your pain....but you are carrying a gift. You have the only hands that can unwrap and open that gift...and for most of you doing so will not kill you. I believe in a choice when rape, incest, or life is present...but even then think hard. It is not easy, it is not pain free, and it does not all end when it is done. If it is your life do your research, talk to others, and pray lots! In incest cases I feel the same since the child has higher risk of complications. If it is rape remember this child is not them. You can revive yourself and give life to this little baby who did nothing.

I know this post was all over the place, but I just needed to speak from the heart. i have seen both sides now, and neither is easy. I would have done almost anything to erase my postpartum issues though and be able to safely have another baby. I am so thankful to god that when my decision was being made he handed me a safety net and asked me to climb in. I prayed and prayed for god to please take this child back into his hands safely and painlessly so i would not have to face the inside of a clinic making a decision that broke all my morals...I recall thinking in the waiting area if nothing is there I will take it as my OK from god. He took me one step further though and not only didn't have a fetus but also no yolk or fetal pole which I FULLY expected to see either way. ( having this many pregnancies I have ALWAYS had a heartbeat heard at 6 weeks....so to not have anything and a correct sized sac was a blessing.)

I still feel slightly guilty at not waiting it out, and the but what if's have started for me...But I know it was not viable. I can not begin to express the feelings of relief I have to not have had to face a decision with a fetus involved....I hope everyone knows how hard the other side is as well. I did not even leave my dead baby in their office and I will have nightmares of what occurs in that office. I think some of the staff I saw are amazing. They do not judge. I am sure they suffer with some of the cases, but for the ones who truely need it like I would have I am glad someone like them are there. The most amazing part for me though is something I hope stays around, I feel like I am more the old me then I have been in a long time. Maybe God sent me an even bigger blessing as the sac itself releases hormones not just the baby. I was terrified I could face depression again when the hormones went away. instead I feel more alive then i have in a while. not myself fully...but headed there. I hope it is not just while the hormones adjust and then I crawl back into the hole

Roads long traveled...

2009-10-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

My husband was telling me a story last week about a cat his family owned growing up. The cat somehow got lost most likely jumping onto the back of the pickup truck. His Family ran a concession stand at a local fair event, and they had been going to set up the tent the week the cat went missing. The event came and went and the cat was missing for well over a month. The family had given up hope and gone on with life figuring that the cat got hit, or someone took it in and he had a new home, or that he had crawled off somewheres to pass. Then one day up the road and onto the little porch crawled the cat that had gone missing. His paws showed wear like he had gone cross country, he was tired, thin, and probably a little thirsty as well....But the cat was home.

I feel like this story matches my life so well lately. All I want is to reach the safety, warmth and comfort of HOME. I want normal. I want to just be as I was prior. I have traveled a dusty twisted road for miles and miles and the pads of my feet ache just as I am sure that his cats did. But I keep traveling even when I can barely stand I keep going slowly step by step on a search for the comfort I once knew so well. Unfortunately just as life went on for my husbands family cat or no cat life has gone on around me. I feel like even when I am standing on the stoop of my own home life has just somehow changed. Mean while all I long for is my old normal. I am determined though. Some days feel tough and my feet bleed and I can imagine the taste of a nice cold drink of water but others I can feel nothing but defeat and imagine being stuck lost out here forever...still others I see hope. I can imagine curling lovingly up on the lap of my owner. See I really am much like a cat.

I have discovered that even once you get home, life feels different from the natural passage of time. It is hard to adjust to change when all you crave is the comfort that you knew. It is harder still when what set you into this state of hardness was the very thing that was once so new and exciting. I am sure that the cat was thrilled to travel with his family. I know a cat would LOVE getting to hunt around a new environment.... but there had to have come a point when loneliness and hunger set in. There came a point when all that cat craved was for his old life at a home he loved. He loved that home so much that he traveled for WEEKS to find home again.....That is how I feel. I struggle and am walking a very hard path I notice the differences and long for my old normal...But I keep walking through the pain because that is the only way to ever stand any chance at all of getting back. I am like a cat. The road is long. I am hungry, But I am like a cat. So I will keep on walking, because someday I may just stumble upon the place I called home.

About me

2009-10-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

...As if you needed to know more!I saw this little questionnaire on Emilys' blog page and thought it might be just the distraction we need over here as well.

What is your favorite thing to snack on while your blogging? I like to snack on anything and everything lately....peanuts sound good right now though!
2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? My computer.
3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?Hmm, I would go with beach.
4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty? Anything involving energy??? Oh wait...I guess ONE thing would be dishes.
5. Who do people say you remind them of?People who knew my mom when she was younger say I look like her only chunkier.
6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam?Home mostly, but occasional getting out is good!
7. What's your all time favorite movie?Dirty Dancing
8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night? Well I rarely wear makeup at all, so that is an easy clean up! LOL
9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? I sing and dance....Well! ( So much for modesty! LOL)
10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? getting babies to sleep through the night ( not sure how I did it, but all of them slept through within weeks)
11. What first attracted you to your spouse?He made me feel safe and he made me laugh....and He was a cute little Shit in School!
12. What is something you love to smell? Lilac kids shampoo
13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I like things to go my way and have a hard time with change.
14. When you have extra money, what's the first thing you think to do with it?Extra money? What's that? It always goes to the kiddos!
15. Are you a silent laughter or a loud laughter? If it's worthy of a laugh at all, it might as well be a loud one!
16. Where is your favorite place to shop? Target and Old Navy
17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time?I have more time than I've had in a while, actually, and I'm not so great at managing it. So I really don't know.
18. Are you a big spender or frugal?I try to be frugal... definitely, definitely not a big spender.
19. Who is your favorite character of all time? Too many to pick just one. Roseanne, Meredith Grey, Cupid, Sabrina.
20. Would you want to be famous?Nope.

What are some or all of your answers?

Can it really be?

2009-09-23T00:18:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can hardly believe the life I live. I am very proud to say I am still here to experience it, yet I wish I felt the happiness this life used to bring me. Do not get me wrong I enjoy some things- but the true love for my life and the happiness it used to bring me seem to have gone somewhere deeper and though I search and search they do not want to resurface. The happy has not in any way been totally been replaced with sadness either, which I must say is a plus. I still enjoy my time with my husband and often long for the moments to last longer. I still talk to other parents and laugh. I still roll my eyes at my children's latest antics...It just all feels different and almost distant.

In light of all these feelings and struggles I face at times I made a decision recently to force myself to face the facts and own up to and actually recognize what I DID do over the last year. I have always been awful at giving myself credit. I usually notice more what I do wrong or should have done instead.... believe this was most likely installed into me long ago growing up. I am not passing off blame and pointing fingers, No I take responsibility for my life and know that although I may have been dished some bad times It could have been worse and I made it. It is now my own responsibility to move past it.....Too bad it is not that easy.

I needed and wanted help so bad when I first came home and that made me feel weak, insignificant, replaced, and stuck. But the fact is I was here. Despite my liver being in the beginning stages of failure, despite having out of control BP, and despite having dizzy spells and anxiety attacks I was here. Yes I needed help but I was here. I may not have held my baby nearly as often as I wish I had but I did hold her. Those days and the many talks I got to share with an old friend....That is what I want focus to be on. Now to make my head and heart believe it.

When I entered into postpartum depression and then psychosis in October of last year I still reached for the man I loved. I still wanted his approval and input. I still for brief moments felt safer if he was near. It may not feel like enough some days but the truth lies on my next statement at least for me. That man was so connected to my soul that even when slipping Far away mentally I reached for him and trusted him. That man who has faced so many struggles of his own this past year lies next to me now snoring away- I will let it go for a few moments just to relish the fact that he is still beside me to do it.

My spirituality has grown again after a long lapse of being placed on a back burner. I never stopped believing, but now we attend a church again and I get to share re finding a path with god with my husband.

I was present when my baby took her first steps. I was here for everyone of our children's birthdays. I got to attend my oldest sons preschool graduation. I was around for his start in the big school. I got to help my daughter learn Spanish. I witnesses my younger son grow to an age where he felt comfortable sleeping in a separate room from his sister who is less then a year older. they have been like twins and inseparable since he was born...He now sleeps in his big brothers room AKA the boys room as we had always planned. I saw my sons first soccer game and my daughters dance classes. All of these things would have taken place with or without me here, but I am glad I got to be there to witness them first hand...I hope my children are happy and proud of the fact that I was there as well.

Can it really be that I am still here a year from when this all started? I am still standing. My legs feel weak, my heart aches, and I long for the "easy" life again, but I am still here. It hardly seems possable. To me it seems like time stood still and I am still so lost and upset that there is NO way a year has passed....then reality hits and I realize it is true. A YEAR...Part of me hurts that a year passed and the pain is still here but part of me takes great pride in saying I survived a year of extremely tough times and am still here. I still have my marriage, I still have a life with my children, all my pets are still with us, and life has grown into something hard for me to fathom. Life continued and all I want is to find my footwork and stand again where I last remember feeling normal...but life went on without me knowing how to stand. A Year...Can it Really Be?

Do you know Peace?

2009-08-20T22:49:00.001-07:00

So much pain, tears, stumbling, screaming, confusion, and anger have followed me throughout the last 10 months that I have barely had a moments rest. My mind feels cluttered 9/10 times. I just feel frazzled and angry so often thinking of all I missed out on and will never get again. The 10th time has been rare, VERY rare indeed. I have to share though and I hope so many of you will be able to relate.

It will start with a question. DO you know peace? Do you know of a time when your mind rests, you feel warm inside, you notice nothing but how very blue the sky is? Do you know the feeling of comfort? A feeling like " Hey everything will be alright"....Yeah It is certainly a rare moment for me too. The few times I have felt this in the last months have been something I have struggled with figuring out exactly how to share. How do I tell this story, and not come off sounding even crazier then I am!?

I guess as I learned long ago when I started dating my husband, the best and only way is to jump in with both feet. The peace I speak of came to me through the grace of God...Literally. I have been a christian believer most of my life. I am far from a Holy rolling strong willed woman, but I believe. That is as far as my belief has gone though. I believed, because I saw no reason not to. I figured if you live like there is a God and actually treat others nicely and try to be the best person you can be What harm did you do? I can not imagine much harm can come in that...However live like there is no god and treat others with no respect, always try to one up others, always have attitude and be a grump- act better then others, well imagine the world if we all acted that way. I for one do not want to live in a world that fits that image! I have heard stories through the years of people feeling the spirit guiding them, even speak t them or their hearts. My confusion began there. I believed, but God had never not once came knocking on my door screaming " YO get up! Move Move move...Do you know that there are children, animals, and disabled members out there in the world who need you!? GET UP!!!! They are right there, head on over to 867 Flatbed river St and look for yourself. THEY NEED YOU!!!!" yeah, I can say I never heard that, and questioned how others could have heard anything when all I got was the swishing sound inside my head from focusing too hard on my thoughts.

All I got was the swooshing sound until oddly enough I broke down to the weakest and hardest point I feel I will ever god willing face in my life. Suddenly out of nowhere one day while out driving to see Randy and the children The radio I had blasting loudly as usual drifted far away in sound. I got the most amazing feeling of warmth one can imagine and I felt calm. CALM!? Yes I still to this day question how I felt that myself. There in my car while driving I felt as if I had a hand on my shoulder and I felt peace. In my car that day I went from the feeling a camel must feel when packed to the brink with baggage. I was becoming crushed under the weight and then just peace. There is no explanation to me or my immediate family other then God was there with me. I had a similar occurrence two more times VERY spread out and I can not even begin to tell you how badly I searched for that feeling. I would drive in my car blasting the music talking to myself ( well I was hoping it was to God and maybe he would Liston and show himself again) Begging literally for that peace. Trying to reason with what I did not know. Trying to just force that feeling again. Once you have had it NOTHING compares. I guess if it were always there we would not hold on so tightly to those rare moments though. If it was always there we would not have any need to believe or to appreciate it.

The reason I decided to share all this tonight is I had that peace once more today. I was driving to Target and I swear I saw a face in the clouds smiling down on me...No sooner did I see it ( Imagine the pictures we all so often see in church of Jesus and That is close to what I saw) and it was gone replaced only by Bright beams of sunshine literally. ( you know when you can actually see the beams coming down at earth?) I tried and tried to find what I could have seen. I of course could only search so hard being I needed to keep my car on the road as well! LOL I never did see it again, but maybe ten minutes or so after I saw it and suddenly I had this INTENSE urge to turn the radio to the christian Family Radio station. I am not a Huge listener of christian music, as you can tell by my list below I like some groups that are christian- but my true love is Country music followed close by groups like Nickleback. I do not even know what station plays christian music! Yet I found it in three quick flips of the dial. I found it and suddenly there was that peace....But this time it was different. This time I had old memories that really happened in my life reappear in my minds eye, but as I saw them I FELT the happiness, the joy, the anticipation I felt when they first happened. Anyone who knows me well, knows I have not FELT any true feelings especially memory related feelings and ESPECIALLY happiness in over a year. Yes folks a YEAR if I face the truth....the last time was when I was still pregnant. But I felt it and saw it today. I literally had to wipe the tears away so I could see to drive. They were tears of happiness though as I said out loud to myself ( because I could not believe it myself even!) " I CAN FEEL!" " I CAN FEEL IT!!!" " I know what it felt like when that happened! I was happy! I can feel it!" If the cars next to me could have heard they would probably have me back on the Hospital wing! All I wanted at that moment was someone close to me especially my husband- someone to share it with. Someone who would appreciate it, and celebrate it with me as much as I was.

It still brings a smile to my face now to write it. I did have some of the feeling fade away again, but I still have a sliver of it inside and can bring it up at will. The smile on my husbands face when I told him also made me smile again. We have faced a VERY rough year. It is far from over. But if I can keep having these brief moments of peace I think I would stick around just to search for the goal of ultimately finding that peace more permanently...It is that amazing. I am sure some of you are thinking how very far off the deep end I have gone to be writing this. Believe what you want, but I hope you will share in the journey of trying to find the peace I speak of. My husband is not a strong Christian either, but I think he knows exactly what I am saying to you. I think he knows not 100% for sure what exactly happened or what I saw, but he knows I Felt and saw something! He knows and I think he likes what It brings to us. The moments we have shared talking about these experiences and saying prayer's because we had nothing else left we could try...Those are the moments I felt closest to him, and those are the days I will live a life striving to repeat over and over.

So Again I ask have you felt Peace? If you have please leave me a comment telling your story, and if not I hope maybe my story can be an inspiration in leading you down a path to a place maybe you can. It is amazing!

Ahhh Crap.......

2009-08-18T23:51:00.001-07:00

When one has a momentary lapse in sanity and slips fast into a Place far away from normal the last thing you think is that the medications given to help you and ease life back to normal will one day become a problem. Lets get one thing straight right from the get go I HATED having to pop a pill to see even small glimpses of the life I once loved. It was unfair. It was not OK. It made me different.

I cried many nights to my beloved Husband and to God. Whining as much and as annoyingly I am sure as my children do to me. But it was and it still is unfair! Why me? Why now 4 children in? Why my life? Why me who is so weak? What in the world did I do to deserve such an injustice!? Why must I miss all my favorite times in babyhood? Why must I stress my family out? Why, Why, Why!? I am sure that both God and my husband are sick of the never ending Burden of hearing me. I will say both have stood beside me through every moment of this maddening mess though.

So now I am 1 year out from the birth that started the whole mess. I am staring down a dark tunnel towards the day fast approaching which will forever mark the day I lost touch. I am still not 100% back to normal. I am still pissed above and beyond at the injustice this was to me, I still do not understand, I still feel jipped, I still wonder why, and I still feel guilty for something I had no control over.

As the dreaded day fast approaches coming up in 8 weeks 2 days 8 hours and 59 minutes ( to the day it all started add 2 days to get the day the psychosis officially began) I am scared. I still feel just as out of control some days now as I did then- The difference being I know who I am, what is happening, and some ways to help control the intensity now. I also am not attached much to my children anymore or at least not as I was, but I no longer have the thoughts of harming them. The fact that that went away is a relief, but now I face the FEARS of having the thoughts come back again. That is where the PTSD portion of this huge mess comes in. No matter how I looked at it though I knew one thing. If I was going to make it out of this I did not want to be on drugs for the rest of my life. My personal feelings on this matter at this point are that They are not doing much for me anymore. My problems now stem from the PTSD and the fears and trauma of all that has occurred. I need to deal and do therapy not be drugged up. My Dr. Gave the OK about a month ago now to lower my Welbutrin down another step. I am now at the dose I was when I originally started that drug. We also have pretty well cut my Seroquel out totally. I take half of a 25mg pill which is basically nothing. I have not used my Visteral in 3-4 months now and hope to not need it again....And the Cymbalta has been maintained at the lowest level prescribed since I started it.

One would think this is all great news! If the Dr is allowing me to drop pills I am better right? If The Dr allowed me to lower doses then I am celebrating right? WRONG! The Dr. lowered my doses reluctantly because of severe side effects I was having on the Welbutrin. I requested to attempt dropping the Seroquel and he said OK as I was on such a small dose, and The Cymbalta I just dropped recently due to a fluke and error on my part. My pill bottle got left somewhere by accident. I missed a night and then another and by the third day I called to talk to the Dr and he said I could continue staying off and see how it goes if that is what I wanted, or I could restart it..He left it up to me. Celebrating is far from the mind however when you enter with drawl on these drugs.

I am a sensitive person to medications anyways, but Seroquel being kept at half a pill is my doing because I do not want to face the with drawls again I faced when going from 50mg-25mg. I had insomnia, I was hot, I got headaches, I was moody, I had several anxiety attacks, and it just plain out sucked. Now I stopped the Cymbalta and I am having with drawl from that. OH MY does the with drawls from this one bite!!! I have had a bad headache for two days, I am hot, I am cold, My joints ache, I feel like I am going to puke my guts out any moment, and the world started spinning making me dizzy earlier tonight. I am also having weird creepy dreams that are out of place. To top it all off I am moody, feel like crying on and off, and then there are the thoughts of passably hurting myself or thinking how nice smothering my dear husband would be to make the snoring stop...The good thing is I am sane enough not to act on any of these things. I also know they are occurring unlike before. They scare me none the less though! I also have spoke with my Dr and with a message board that deals with this particular drug and these are all fairly common with drawls off from it including the thoughts. The good news is They should end in the next 2-4 weeks. the bad news is that I may not have had the worst of them yet. I have been able to help ease some of them such as the spinning by taking dramine....No one ever tells you about this part though, and you are not worried about it when you are that low. Drugs made to help you should not take you back making you feel as if you are mere inches away from the spot you were at your worst! It is scary!! I at least have a husband who has stayed with me for two days and is going to be ready to come home if needed at any point for the next few weeks. I also have a Dr on call, but still it is hard work facing up to your worst fears again.

I can say I know what my problem is and no drug will fix it. My problem is letting my own guilt go. I have yet to forgive myself for missing so much and loosing so much. I have yet to move past all I felt, and so I fear it all staring again. no drug will fix that. I would like to think I am strong enough to work on this without a drug....I am also stable enough though to know if I reach a point I can't I will pop that pill again to try all over again in a few more months. I have an ultimate goal, but I will not endanger myself or my family to get there. If I were talking to a friend I know what I would say, but hearing it all in my head is not helping....I need more help then I myself can give in getting past this. I am proud to say I can see I have improved despite my fears. I can say despite the fact that The last thing I felt like doing was being a mom I have been. I was at Mothers Day tea at my kids school, I was at preschool graduation, I have done family outings, we have gone swimming, we did picnics, I have school shopped, I have rocked a baby to sleep, I have done bed time books, I have done baths, I have been the one to remember medications, I have celebrated birthdays, I was here for Christmas, I got to witness the joy on my kids faces for firework displays, I stood up for my kids, and I have helped them. I saw my oldest baby grow up into a little boy who will start school at the big school this year. I got to attend the teachers meet and greet....and looking back I am so very glad I did these things! I may not have been present as I would have normally been, I may not have enjoyed them as much as I would normally have....But I was there. Those are the moments and the thoughts that will get me through all these horrid with drawls and fears. That and my husband. He may be Jerkish at times when he is burned out ( who isn't!?) But He is there. He is trying. I honestly think for the most part he really would give me the world. Having him remind me this too will pass and it is the with drawling helps so much- Just knowing he is there for me even when I don't want him near means the world. I guess when I look at it that way despite this hellish time lately I really do have a lot.

Not Me Monday!

2009-07-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well Today marks a first here at my blog. I have officially stepped up and decided to join in the fun of not me Monday. What's that? YOU do not have a clue what not me Monday is? Well here let me help you.

Not Me Monday is a fantastic fun way of getting all hidden away secrets of how your REAL life goes out in the open. Use a pad as a diaper on your child because you forgot the diapers at home? here ya go. Have a messy playroom with no floor able to be seen?? Yup that too fits. Did you decide that bath night could be pushed off because you used a baby wipe on the kid to clean them? Yup! So now you get the idea of what fits, now you need to know how to write it. NONE of us would ever REALLY do any of these horrid unmotherly acts in real life would we!? NO! So we must of course write it out in blogging that It was not me who used a pad on my kid! Still do not understand? Maybe stopping in at the link in the top of this post will help or just keep reading here and we can all hope for the best!!

So here goes nothing!

My house could not possibly be known as home to 13 animals. Nope not mine! We most certainly would never have that many pets THAT would be insane!

We most certainly are not the people who also willingly took on a 7th cat for a week while the family traveled out of state.

My house is always clean and tidy. I am certainly not one of those people who could not tell you the last time I mopped my floors! I am also certainly not uncertain of what lays on my floor in the playroom because too many toys are scattered. Not me!

I can not fathom how other families can live out of laundry baskets of clean clothing or live with giant piles of dirty clothes. MY laundry is always caught up and folded or hung to be put away immediately....Yeah, No piles or baskets of clothing in MY house!

I most certainly do not send my children outside to play on the trampoline just to get a few seconds of peace....NEVER!

My children most certainly will never see the walls of a daycare or have someone else watch over them long term....THAT would be so unmotherly of me. And while we are on the mothering subject I can not imagine post partum issues really exist or what a life would be like living with them! Certainly You can will all that away just using your special mommy skills! Even worse I can not imagine having to do these two things together. Imagine sending your children to day care because you are suffering from post partum!? NO WAY! Not for me!

IF I ever did have to send my children into those awful walls of daycare, I most certainly would never enjoy having the time alone during the day! That would be horrid and so selfish!

I would never use my caller ID to screen calls, and avoid talking to those annoying bill collectors. I mean honestly those people should be out a job. If people would just grow up and pay everything on time the job would not exist. How childish not to take responsibility for your bills and pay everything. If you have a medical emergency happen you should just drop everything else and live as a hermit to make sure you can pay every last penny off....That is what I would do. I would NEVER have a bill collector call my home.

I most certainly am not addicted to buying baby clothing. I can not imagine buying things second hand at a yard sale either! I mean honestly how yucky! I do not have bins upon bins of baby clothing in our closets. All clothing my kids do have most certainly came from a store, and we only have what we need. Imagine having all that clothing, ......Honestly!

I most certainly did not put my daughter into shorts with no underwear the other day because I forgot to pack them. That could not possibly have been me.

I also could not possibly be the person you saw stopped on the side of the road last week in the middle of nowhere so my two preschoolers could pee in the grass. That is disgusting, I would never do that! Kids can always hold it long enough to get to a proper bathroom, besides I would never be the mom who forgets to ask her kid to go to the bathroom before we leave the house...Nope not me!

See ya next week!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LAWKI- When the sun peeks out

2009-06-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hello All, It has been a very long and much needed break for me from writing lately. I hope I did not leave any of you with a fear that something awful had happened, because that was not the case or the intent. Life has just well carried on, and I have been pleasantly surprised that I have at the least been taking Day trips to enjoy it...OK so maybe Enjoy is not the right word..Indulge. I have been Taking day trips to indulge in it.

When I last wrote Back in the end of March I was feeling fearful of what the world would think of me in the aftermath of this huge mess. This statement being made by me took many of you by surprise. So many knew me as a strong woman who could care less what others thought. So many figured I had the perfect life. So many figured of all people who could be fearful of what others thought it SURELY would not be a woman who wrote out her every thought during such a critical and debate ridden illness. Surely that person already had learned to stand her ground and was afraid of nothing certainly not judgement or criticism. I guess I wore my mask well. The truth of the matter is I am weak when it comes to standing up to people even for my own good. I have been trained my whole life that what I felt did not matter. All I was to people was an annoying loud mouthed child who stood out in a crowd and followed a different drummer. I have been all too often accused of being stubborn and bull headed, not listening to sound advice from my elders and doing exactly as I am told. Part of this is true. I did follow my own beat, I did not do so to be stubborn or difficult though. No, I did this as I entered Survival mode. I did what I could manage and survive.

When it comes down to fearing what others think of me, I WANTED to appear all tied together. I did not want to do this to make it appear I was better then others. I wanted this, at least I believe I did now, because life was So hectic and so out of control, and I had so much good that I was not sure I was worth of- They all mashed together and gave me a need to appear exactly opposite. More I imagine to prove something to myself then to others. I cleaned my house top to bottom before most guests entered. I made sure my children had on clothing and that it was EXCELLENT condition preferably with a brand tag attached. I cleaned the animals, and I acted like this was how life really ran day in and day out. Do you want to know what my life really runs like?

- My Playroom has had a horrid doggy smell since we purchased this house. Being the size it is though, We can not afford a new rug, so I just spray with everything in sight and open windows, and steam clean often to give the false thoughts of clean. My sons cat has decided that since dogs were allowed to potty themselves in that area, well By all means he is too! Not happy, Frustrated, and fed up with the smell ESPECIALLY in rainy weather does not even begin to touch it!

- We often can not even see our living room floor at the end of the day due to all the toys, clothing, TV remotes, Magazines, Papers, Baby toys and exersaucer and playpen, Rocker toys....Yeah. I swear I really do tell my children to clean up after themselves. I really do not approve of this behavior. yet I get so drained that it happens.

-My husband and I used to bicker at least 3-4 times a week and typically had a few good blow out yelling matches late at night when kids slept per month. It was not that we did not love each other, No We really do have an amazing love between us with a fairytale story. yes the fairytale writing was there, but the stress placed Dark colored glasses over our eyes. We have gotten 90% better at this area after sharing a wonderful book together to strengthen our marriage though!

-We can be found rushing around our home like lightning bolts if someone is coming over. If My walls could talk they would tell the true tale. " RANDY! Can you take the Garbage out, Then quick sweep the floor and mop? Mean while I am going to do a fast clean of the living room, vacuum the rugs, and spray down the bathroom....Oh crap and I also will change cat pans before xxxxx gets here. HURRY!" Yeah organized we are not.

In spite of all this though, I have to tell you I also function off a certain amount of stress and hecticness. I love being complimented on surviving. I like the recognition. I would however prefer a little less hectic, a more deserved feeling when others are in awe, and to feel loved and honored. Alot of my need for recognition I believe stems back to childhood. I have never been enough. I have always heard my faults, but it was rare to hear of proudness or pride in my accomplishments. I basically kept driving on going only on an inner strength and inner push saying You are GOOD. you Will hear it if you just do a little more, or a little better. Just you wait...It will feel that much better and that much more deserved if you have to wait a little to get it....In many areas I have been waiting a lifetime though and have still not heard it. At some point you have to get tired.

The point of tired I find occurs that much faster when Finances are bad, you and your spouse are bickering, you have no family or friends near to physically lean on or take the kids for a few hours, days, whatever to get a break. I have had ONE break in my children's ENTIRE life for more then 4-5 hours and when I was not giving birth. Would you like to know what I did with my time?? Did I go to a beach somewhere warm? Did I lay in bed all day with my spouse? Did I go for a walk? Did I go meet with friends? Did I go dancing??? Nope I did none of these things. Me, I went to a psych. ward and got admitted. Yup, that was my one and only vacation. Well After that trip I have had it much easier since I have not been Oked to have all four kids alone in my care for unended amounts of time yet ( I can have 1-2 for as long as I am comfortable) My husband makes sure on weekends I get time alone upstairs or someplace. he knows he has to, as He can see my spirit fall and see the panic in my eyes when I am crowded for too long with yelling and screaming and running around.

So I suppose I should let you know what else has happened since March. I have started a new Therapy. EMDR and am loving it. It has some scary moments, and some startling realizations but it appears to be working for me. My husband and I have gotten much closer and I am happy to say we fight much less. The love never was gone, even when I could not feel it...But it is even stronger then originally now.

I still have dark moments where I freeze up and the fear of getting impulsive overtakes me leaving me crying in a heap of fear. The feelings of Dejavou have not gotten a whole lot easier to handle...I am finding now a days I can focus on them being here only short term though. This is a slight bit if sunshine on a dark rainy day when you think about it.

Another area of sunshine I am finding is having BRIEF moments alone with each of my children occasionally. The baby now brings a smile to my face very quickly. It is just starting to dawn on me really however that this baby who is nearing walking is my BABY. In my minds eye she should still be a few days old and barely able to lift her head and smile. It saddens me to see how far she came without me and all I have missed. I also fear missing so many more of her firsts as the state wont OK me having any of the children in my care with daycare assistance. Either I have all four or none during the day. That is hard since My Dr has only said he feels Comfortable with me having 1-2 alone for however long I am comfortable, but that all is too much. I agree.

My Youngest son is a sweet little guy who runs to me upon getting home to get Huggies. The human hug type not a diaper! LOL His love for his froggy melts me and I want to feed this tenderness loving need for as long as I can. I know the comfort a lovey can bring..And I still have mine although I believe he has lost that power now;-P

My oldest daughter has gotten VERY bratty lately which frustrates me, so I avoid a ton of alone time with her....But on her good days, and late at night is our special moments. She likes Mommy to read her bedtime book and tuck her and each of her 700 Stuffed animals in each night. I am who she runs to if she wets the bed. And the occasional outing I feel up to with her often leads to unforgettable moments such as her telling me she thought " THAT PLACE IS SO PRETTY! I want to go there tomorrow!!!" Or the day she told me She like goats when we drove past some and I pointed them out. She then went on to say I like goats, but I like <> too. After I asked her to repeat 4 times she finally got annoyed and looked at me saying " I SAID I LIKE GOATS, BUT I LIKE SHEEP TOO!!! You know The things that go BAAAAAAAAA Mom!" All I could do was laugh my fool head off.

Then there is my oldest. being the ADHD child he is another hard one for me to spend a ton of alone time with. He too enjoys when I do his bedtime book though, and we have had some of the best talks later at night around bed. We looked up a frogs lifespan together one night after looking at the frogs in our pond area. We have discussed the tooth fairy as he has his first loose tooth. We have talked about his fears for school next year and his excitements of it. I have stood by proudly and in awe as I watched my "baby" ride off up our little hill on his two wheel bike that only the day before frustrated him to no end. I have listened to stories of his school trips to the park, and I have listened to his biggest hope for the new school- Will it have a HUGE playground!?

Yes folks, I am still not myself, and I still struggle saying I have had a good day. I think I am more in need of forgiving myself nowadays though. people have proven to me time and again that they will still love me, or that they will get to know me despite the facts. Forgiving myself comes alot harder though. As I told my EMDR therapist when she asked me the question if I felt worthy of my family-
" No."
Shocked she said " you don't!?" "Why?"
To which I calmly and honestly was able to answer this." I am not worthy, because they deserve more. I was there for all my other babies and this one deserved the same- I jipped her. My husband deserves a wife, not a partner who places more stress on him. My older kids need a mom. they DESERVE a mom. they DESERVE the mom I used to be and more. They should know how loved they are and never feel like they are being pains...Which I am sure I portray too often now adays with being so easily overstimulated. They need a cheerleader for baseball games, they need someone to push them on the swings, they need hugs, they need support, and they need guidance. I am not much of any of that lately. Had you asked me this a year ago when I had 3 and before all this, Then no doubt I felt worthy, and felt I was right where I wanted to be"

So yeah I am still working on this. But I must say that through all the rain, and past the clouds and fog I see climbing this mountain...through it all I am seeing some points where I see the sun peek out. I hope as I continue climbing I will find more and more strength making the climb go easier. I am sure the view will be wonderful from the top, But I dread the climb to get there. It is filled with many falls, Rocky roads, Clouds, and lonliness....But there is at least some hope I will make it there. That folks certainly shows me the sun.

Hello my name is..... Life As We Know It

2009-03-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is Rachelle. I am a young woman. I am a mother to 4 children age 5 and UNDER. I am scared. I have a marriage I miss and is struggling under the weight of my current mental status. I am suffering from post partum psychosis/depression. I have also been given the "gift" of anxiety. Even before this whole mess began I was already diagnosed with OCD. I feel I am failing everyone. My husband, my children, my friends, my Dr's, and myself. I just can not seem to get fully better no matter what they throw my way with therapy and medication. I am tired. I feel like a freak that everyone is or will judge. I have been hospitalized in a psych ward. That is my reason of feeling like a freak. I have been Suicidal and way too close to Homicidal for any comfort. I did not have a full plan in place for myself. I NEVER had a plan for anyone else, just a fear and an intense urge to act. This Urge did not care that I had no plans, It just said FIND ONE and ACT!

There now I have said it.

I have been judged by others as most of us have for most of my life. I like many others out there was the black sheep. I was "different" Eccentric, and no one liked me because of it. OK, That is a lie FEW liked me because of it. Family hated that I was difficult and High strung. Kids hated that I dressed differently , wore my hair in a sloppy pony tail, and did nothing but dance. I was an easy target. It is hard growing up separate from most of the world. It is even harder when you come of age and suddenly these same people who hurt you and judged you, want to talk and say hello. It is harder still as you try to find your feet in the world and still get judged for how you choose to grow up. Then when you are married and have children you are still judged. So then you become angry. You are angry you always have to defend YOUR life.

After anger Annoyance happens. You have no outlet like everyone else seems to have. No one ever offers to take your children to play for a while or at a grandparents house for the night. You and your husband NEVER get adult time. You feel guilty for wanting it because you do know you had these kids. You did want them, and you do not EXPECT someone else to just come along and magically raise them...You just want a night. An adult night.

It is at this point that you find yourself pregnant again. This child is a true miracle! You wanted to have another just not yet. You planned a large family, just not this quick. BUT here they are. You had been using TWO forms of birth control when this pregnancy came to be. No sooner do you adjust to this idea and suddenly complications begin. You start bleeding. As many of you know bleeding of any form in pregnancy is always alarming. You go to the hospital alone because no one can or will watch the other children so your husband can join you. You discover that you have placenta previa and all should be well with some mild bed rest. The remainder of the pregnancy goes smooth until 32 weeks. Suddenly just as it has with each of the other pregnancies your blood pressure sky rockets. This time you enter pre eclampsia however. protein is in your urine, pressure is still high, and contractions keep starting only to be stopped. You attend each Dr visit fully expecting to get a date for delivery as you start to feel worse and worse and you start to swell. Then your Dr goes on vacation. You are left to an assistant. They determine you are fine at 36 weeks despite all the problems. You see Your regular Dr again the day you turn 38 weeks. You are contracting harder. This time he says you are delivering. This is where the real fun begins. You deliver after a longer and harder labor then any of your other three. You feel guilty for moping about this because in comparison to most other births yours was still very easy. It is not NORMAL for YOU though. You had alot more happen to you this time and more procedures that were abnormal to say the least. you are left feeling jipped of your record fast births, jipped of your normal for the most part not overly painful deliveries, jipped of not being invaded In labor, and all you want is to go home and adjust to life again. Adjust as you always did with the others. You decide to sign out AMA since the baby is being discharged. A day later you are back because as they now discover your preeclampsia went from preeclampsia through ecamptic, and kept going all the way to HELLP syndrome. Your liver is now failing, your BP is so high you cant think straight, you are woozy, your heart POUNDS. This continues for another week and a half. Your BP was at a high of 203/187. You are repeatedly told how lucky you are to be alive.

Why is it then that you do not feel lucky? Why instead of getting better does your mind keep sending you into massive anxiety attacks? Why can't you just adjust? Why when you look at your little girl do you feel nothing when weeks prior as you carried her inside all you wanted was to see her little face, kiss those chubby cheeks and small lips, tickle her chunky little belly, and learn if her calm nature carried over to the outside world. Why? Still no one asks if they can help you and your husband. You nearly cry when a sitter you had to pay an arm and a leg for asks what they can do for you. You want to cry because the next words they said are this is about YOU. This is about getting Rachelle back and getting healthy. No one has ever said this before unless they were being sarcastic and mean.
" Rachelle always gets her way, what she wants she gets"
This statement that you have heard more often in life then is fair for any little child Stings and annoys you every time. It stings because they have no idea what YOUR life is like. They are not told because they never ask how you really are. They do not seem to care how having an ADHD and possibly autistic child affects you. They do not feel they need to help despite having THREE babies who are under the age of 3. They tell you that you made this mess now live it. You did have these babies, you do want these babies, you don't want someone else to raise them. All you want is a break for a day. Some adult time with your husband. A feeling that yes you really do have a safe place to fall if you need to talk. Instead you hold it all in unless talking to your spouse.

A couple months into this and the anxiety attacks are still present. You have proven the Dr's wrong by being able to keep your Blood pressure down, no longer needing the medication they said you would be on for life. You feel overwhelmed, scared, annoyed at yourself for not being able to just bounce into this role of mothering as you have every other time, you hate feeling sick, you are sick of the panic, and nothing feels real to you. It is like you go through the motions of caring for the kids, going on runs to the store or yard sales or fun days with your family- you go through the motions but FEEL nothing. In your mind you literally see everything that you do play out like a movie. You feel like you are watching your life through a window. You did the actions but you never feel a thing. You laugh with no real joy inside. Inside you actually find your self thinking LAUGH NOW -this would usually be funny to you, and others will wonder what is up if you act weird...So laugh- laugh now. It has become mechanical.

Now it is 2 months exactly since the birth and suddenly you slip. You have a friend over helping with the kids. A friend who your husband had to call and ask to come be with you. A friend who you have to pay because they have to drive to you and beyond that you are asking alot. They agree to take less then originally is offered, but they still get paid to be there. This removes the friend status in alot of ways. They have now become an employee. They care for your kids as good as they can ( It is not their home and no one will ever do it the way you would) You try to hint that you need to talk hoping some areas may be able to be related with. They act like they do not want to talk and do not seem to take much interest in how YOU are doing, just the kids. You switch your brain process figuring to be thankful for the help while it is available- after all the KIDS is what she is being paid for. So you stop. You stop just as you start to slip the most.

As most of my readers will recall ( and for those who do not please read part 1 of Life As We Know It) This story is MY life. It was at this exact moment of slipping that the postpartum depression began. It was October 16, 2008. It was awful. I made a decision that I did not love my husband or my kids. I had decided I felt trapped by all this family living and I just wanted to pack my bags and leave. I figured that everyone including me were better off If I disappeared from life around here. There is a very large underlying part to this however. I have loved my husband since the start. I had a HUGE crush on him for YEARS prior to our first date. All I wanted my entire life was to be a mother. If I had packed up and left I can assure you of what my next move would have eventually been. Being that this was my life goal to be a mommy leaving would have torn me up. Since I was already having Suicidal Thoughts I am pretty confident saying had I just left alone, I would have isolated and eventually taken my life. I would have seen life as useless and that the one thing I had a dream of becoming I had failed at.

October 18, things were at an all time worst. I was hallucinating I could not get a straight sentence out. My mind felt jittery. I was scared. I felt no love towards my husband ( although something inside kept pushing me along and forced me to guide him through every thought I had) My husband sent me out the door. He had instructed me to go straight to the local ER. I went in silent. My voice was merely a whisper as I told the nurse I had Postpartum depression and I needed help. I remember thinking why can't I talk, where is my normal little giggle that I use to lighten a mood and let others know I am friendly? Where is my liveliness? I bet everyone around is wondering what the heck is wrong. They can literally see this person who has pulled into themselves and is disappearing; And that is exactly what I was doing. The person I knew and was holding onto with all my might was pulling away and disappearing. The strong, level headed, loving wife and mother just jumped ship and was gone. I was left remaining a shell of who I was. How ironic being that my name lovingly nicknamed by my husband, closest friends and my Internet email signature is Shell. Not Shelly, not my full name Rachelle, just five simple letters. S-H-E-L-L.

From this hospital I was taken to a local Psych ward in a separate hospital by ambulance. My mood lifted ever so slightly when I knew one of my EMT's for transport. She was wonderful at making me feel like this was all going to be OK and everyone in the world holds a little Crazy. She told me of her own depression and medication attempts. She stayed with me until the very end of the sign in process and them walking me to a separate room. She told me in advance what to expect in this separate room as she had interned on this floor. Her heads up calmed me more then she could ever imagine.

When my husband showed up I felt nothing towards him. I knew him ( little did I know that this too would soon slip) I knew why he was there, but I was not relieved to see him as I always normally would have been. I felt like that empty shell. All I could clearly think was where the heck did I go? What is happening to me. Is this what total insanity feels like? How in the world did I go from a fairly sane and stable human to this figment? I was scared. I was jittery and could think of nothing clear headed or straight. They asked me if I thought I needed to stay to be safe or could I go home...I remember stuttering, I recall saying I don't know...I, Uh, I Just don't know. I don't know what is best. I then looked at my husband and asked simply " What do you think" I will never forget his saying I think you need to stay. It hurt to hear that, It sucked because that confirmed how far gone "I" was. That confirmed my thinking that I could not make it on the outside. So I was wheeled upstairs and taken into a locked floor where I was assigned a room. This conformed to me that I would always be the freak who had to stay on the psych floor. This determined to me much of what my future was capable of being. I like to have everything out in the open with no secrets. I like it this way because I do not have to think before I speak. How was I too go about accomplishing this now?

I mean honestly can you just imagine meeting someone for the first time at say a PTO meeting and the conversation goes like this..
" Hi!"
"hello"
"My name is carol and I am a mom of three little girls who attend your daughters school"
" Oh, how nice. My name is Rachelle, and as you know my daughter goes to this school I also have two other children in the school as well. One in # grade and one in * grade."
"Oh how nice! Wow you all must have a rather busy household! I thought mine was bad with the girls three years apart. You must really love being a mom then"
" yeah , I do. My last she put me through the ringer though. When I had her I entered psychosis and they put me on the psych floor at the hospital for 2 weeks. It sucked."

Most likely they would never hear the it sucked. The conversation would end with the words psych floor for 2 weeks. This woman would just go ahhhh, oh gee that must have been hard. Yeah, um Well I have to go talk to Kathy about our......our book sales. ( book sales will be code to me for YOU)

So now I have survived 5 1/2 months. I am still not myself. I still feel no bond to my children. I still actually do not like being around my children as they just make me feel sensory overload. The hecticness I used to thrive off from has become my worst enemy. For one of the first times ever I find myself longing for a different life. One with my husband who I know I love and maybe just a baby. Possibly even 2.....I have never wished my children were not here. I feel so overwhelmed and feel I can not even complain about this, because all I get is a
" well you wanted this. You asked for this life, now you better find a way to start living it again Rachelle. You had better stop all this moping because I have no sympathy. I have none when you chose to have ll these children. This would be my worst nightmare, but Oh No you said you could handle it. Well you always get what you want don't you? So now you want to run and leave? Running away from these kids is not fair- Stop thinking of yourself and you are going to have to make due."
I know I loved my hubsna dbefore all this began. I know he has stood beside me with as much strength as he can manage. I have gone through disasociation so strong as my brain apparently tried to protect me, that I totally went amnesic. I did not remember my husband or any of our life together. I felt nothing at all towards the children. I felt like I was visiting a home of a friend when I came home. It felt eerily de ja vou...yet I felt out of place. nothing fit as it did in the past. I thought when my memory came back months after it left, that maybe I would make it after all. Maybe this was getting better. I could do this. Then as fast as I felt that I was thrown back down by the sepression and anxiety. I am so sick of standing up only to fall flat on my backside again. I am so tired of the look in my husbands eyes.

I did ask for a large family. prior to this birth I was Happy to live this hectic life. I thrived off someone trying to figure out how we managed. I held on when my oldest baby started preschool. I got a giddy feeling knowing I was doing something everyday that most could never handle. I guess the joke was on me, as it appears I can't handle it either. I just do not know what to do about it. I can't make the kids go away. I still feel an urge to hurt myself when I think of them growing up here wondering why mom hates them so much. There is no escaping. Then there is this little thing of being known as the freak forever. I just can not figure this all out, It makes me feel all panicky. I miss my life. I loved being a clueless woman.

Lord please not again.... Life As We know it

2009-03-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

Hello All! My writing has gotten fewer and farther between it appears. I have yet to decide if this is good or bad, I guess it just is. Life has become a garbled mess lately that intimidates me and gives me great doubts. I fear everything, I doubt everyone and everything, and I get anxious long before anything happens often just thinking of upcoming events. ( Mind you I am talking events like going to the Dr's, going to lunch, having a friend visit- these types of everyday events) The things that send me spiraling into a tailspin are things I have no control over and that normally would not have caused me to bat an eye let alone turn my whole head!

I feel like a child who has experienced a movie or a story that scared them. I feel convinced now that there MUST be monsters under my bed. If they are not under the bed then BY God they are in my closet! No amount of reassuring or turning on of lights is causing the fear to diminish. I remember the fear night after night when I am tucked back into what I am told is a safe bed.

I as a "child" have no idea what this monster is either. I wonder if maybe it is really a cute friendly little guy like Tully in Monster Inc. Or is my monster one of the mean bad ones who will rip off my limbs and eat me for dinner? I never know if that monster is going to be present for sure that night. I may go peacefully into my room and tentatively peer under the ruffled bed skirt. That night all I may find is a cute pink fuzzy bunny slipper, my favorite warm teddy bear, and a collection of dust bunnies that any collector would be proud of. :-P

This all started back in out of nowhere around two weeks ago; At first we blamed it on the middle of my cycle, then it was that I had lowered a medication, then it was that I did not sleep well, and now when it still is not going away we blame it on the fact that we are near the end of my cycle. I have started seeing a new individual counselor for therapy. I had no choice as my husband had a change of insurance at work. So I am at the point of having to refill in a new person about all that has happened again. I do not know if my break from individual therapy contributed, I don't know of this is good- that the psychosis as I was told has to work itself out backwards as well so I would enter PPD again before the end would be seen. This all started with anxiety. I am not talking a little anxiety like you chew your nails backstage and forget your lines when you walk on stage...No I am talking mind crippling anxiety that makes me fear everything. Have an off day? "Well it all must be returning and let me check in with myself..Hmmm Do I feel like dying? Nope, do I want to slice my wrists like I had fear of in the beginning? Hmm Maybe.. Oh My I ca feel that familiar tingle in my wrist...See I knew it, It IS coming back. I need to get to a hospital. No I don't want to go back there- that is like failing after coming so far. Maybe I should just leave here and go live alone or with Dad again. Nope that won't work I hate being alone too long, want my "Normal life back" and can't live off Dad forever. Do I even love Randy? Hmm Maybe that's the problem. Oh My God I am married to someone I don't love. That's it I know it. My marriage is failing and I am stuck here having to sleep next to someone I don't love. That has to be it. Great now what I am stuck" This is my brain lately. I still tell my husband everything I can force out, but I have to admit it has gotten harder and harder.

The fact that it is harder now makes sense to me. I can only take seeing the tired upset look in his eyes so many times knowing I put it there. I can only crush my husbands world so many times before i fear he won't stand back up. I can only stress this man so far when he has blood pressure issues and is holding sanity with all his might himself lately. Who would not be? He is raising four YOUNG children basically alone. He never gets a day off, He never gets to sleep in or even go to bed early for the most part. I know how that feels and what it does. That was MY life not so long ago. The worst part is I miss it. I miss being upset that I had to do the majority of everything, but also knowing I could and that for my children's sake I wanted to. I miss FEELING Love towards my family from the very core of my insides. I loved this man for years before I even had one date. I was hooked the first kiss. I told him at the end of our first week together that I was falling and falling hard, and that Randy...I know this may sound crazy with the timing, but what the hell. I think I may love you.

I never said it first to anyone. I never got no reply and felt comfortable with that, besides I was not waiting long at all for before week two was out he was leaning over the couch arm kissing me good bye before work when I heard. " So I am leaving. let me guess...You love me right?( to which I of course said yes!) Well that is a darn good thing, because I love you too." I staring in shock was kissed one more time and he left. He left leaving me to wonder was that a dream? It was not. So where did all my faith and confidence go? I know deep in my heart I really love this guy, but I just don't feel it much of my time anymore. Most of my time I am now just numb. I feel nothing. MY mind races with so many thoughts and at such a pace, that even I can not keep up. I could not vocalize every thought if I had to, because too many of them are like broken fragments they come so fast.

This of course sends me into hysterics as I wonder if the Dr was right and I am Bi-polar. Despite I have Always been a little hyper and fast talking with no mood swings or major crashes. Despite the fact that they have all agreed now that I most likely am not bi polar. Nope now I am convinced something must have been missed- that has got to be it. Something was missed and now I am manic, and OH my if I am manic I may hurt myself, and I really should not be around these kids in that state, and I can not live with that diagnosis I just am no where near strong enough.

My brain just will not shut up. My mind races with these thoughts and my " Monster " appears just like it does to a child in the night. It has no rhyme or reason, but once it hits- I can not rid my brain of it. Every action I do ( or at least many of them) makes me think back on the horrid day the psychosis hit. Invite someone to stop at the house on a Saturday? My brain remembers the day I was supposed to be singing at October fest. That was a Saturday and I had PLANS to do something on that Saturday. Look at my baby girl and flashes if her birth fly into my memories. I remember the frustration when she did not come fast and furious like all her siblings did. I remember how mad and frustrated I was when The Dr left me laboring refusing to break my water and he would see me in the morning to do it if I had not had it go on it's own by then. I remember feeling like this Can't be happening. he can't leave me here like this. My water NEVER breaks fully on its own. I can't do this ALL night and why should I have to all my other children came FAST. I remember maybe a half hour later a nurse coming in saying she wanted to check me again. I remember this nurse saying how frustrated she too was with the Dr, and that she disagreed with his doing that. I also remember the internal checking from Hell that followed. It was awful, excruciating pain like I do not think I can describe in words. It was an internal that I can only say made me feel so trapped and so invaded. I can also tell you that I had mixed feelings as well, for I knew what she was doing. I was not 100% until "IT" happened, but I was 99%. I was not sure weather to be Thankful or feel violated. I liked this nurse yet I hated this invasion. I have birthed Three children prior to this day, I am no stranger to internals. I did labor drug free for two of the three. I am no stranger to labor pain. I had every nook and cranny checked and pressed, and rubbed, and cleaned and never was left feeling invaded....NO but when this nurse did this internal she had a purpose. She had a goal of helping me, but the process was scary and felt long, and was just "different" Not a normal part of labor. Nope this girl had a goal other then just checking me, She was going to give me what I wanted though she could not do it in traditional manners. She broke my water With her own fingers covered by a mask of " Doing an internal to check progress." I have never batted an eye when my water was broken traditionally. It never hurt. It did not take an extended period of time, nothing was left inside me to wait it out until the next contraction....
I see my baby girl and all this comes to my mind. Then I see her crying the first time, SO thankful it is over. She came with her legs Indian style and that HURTS. That sucks when a Dr. Has to readjust your child before they can come out. Then I see her layed on my chest and I immediately feel the lack of connection and love. I look at Randy and simply say " Get her off me"

I lay on my bed and flashback come out of nowhere because that was my sanctuary before her birth. because the contractions were present for so long prior and I was bleeding I would just lay in the bed waiting for the day it would all end and I could have my body back and hold my baby girl...I remember daydreaming of the possibility of doing this Just ONE last time. of being able to talk my husband into having the fifth and last natural. For us to be able to really plan out trying and have that bond. It will never happen. It will Quite literally kill me.

That is when the flashbacks begin of nearly dyings days after the delivery. Of my own frantic feelings about leaving, and then of the shakes and dizzy spells when the liver failure began and my blood pressure rose out of control. The feeling of being SOOOO scared I was dying. The fear and lonliness I felt lying in the hospital bed when Randy had to take me back. I recall crying myself to sleep just longing to feel my husband beside me. That night was the first night in four years LITERALLY that I was away from my husband. We never were apart from the day we started dating. Either I would crash at his house after a marathon movie night or he would come to mine after work leaving early to make sure his dog got outside to pee. Distance with no time frame of when we would next be HOME together had never existed. I missed my cats, I missed my kids waking me in the morning, and I missed my husband more then I even thought was possable. All I wanted was HOME. All I wanted was my security and safety. I wanted to be cleared as healthy again and to know I was fine. I wanted to FEEL fine. Then I wanted to be able to be held, to yell at my kids and enjoy the company they provided me as well as humor. I just wanted my life to resume all I wanted was home. I am back here now and yet I am not. Home does not have that magic now that it held then. Too many monsters have been seen.

We go someplace as a family and flashbacks come of me "trying to feel normal when the anxiety was so bad....Back then I thought it could not possibly get any worse then that. If I had only known. I have brief glimpses in my mind of remembering life before Zoey. I remember that I DID love my kids. I remember Feeling so frustrated with Ashton some days and yelling so much when he would act out..But just knowing we had to get through that it would end. Knowing once he was asleep that I would most likely look in on him as I often did after nights like that. That I would feel bad for yelling so much, and would just stand and watch him breathe because he looked so peaceful and innocent in that state. That was when My brain would start turning on how to fix my actions and prevent his actions for the next time.

I miss all of that. I miss seeing my husband read a book to our children or playing on the floor with them and just watching in Awe feeling such Love for him inside of me. I miss Life. I miss My OCD causing me to stand on a washcloth being our biggest mental issue and my OBS acting up being our biggest concern between me and the real world. I miss calling my Friends Because I wanted to talk to them and feeling happy when I did. I miss smiling and just experiencing it instead of thinking four steps ahead. I miss yelling at my husband on stressful days with little doubt that I would be safe in his arms again later that night. I miss wanting to have an intimate life exist....Now I have to wonder if it was all just a game my brain played on me and the actions were only for one thing. The eventual conception of our next child...I always had the next one to look forward to even as I enjoyed the time with the present baby. I miss my life Horribly! I miss it with good cause, It was not perfect but I really did have it all. I had children, I had a husband who loved me, I had animals I cared the world for, and I could talk myself through anything and come out stronger. When I alone was not enough to manage that- a simple talk with Gabby or Randy always left me feeling resolved, Loved, Safe, and ready to face the world again stable on my feet.

I went from being a mother who HATED time away from her children, who had a strong belief that we brought them into this world we are the ones responsible for them and who are to raise them. No one else made the decision , so it is ours to do. If others do not help, it sucks but that is their right. They are not these children's parents and so they have no obligations we do. I raised three of my four children- Then the fourth came. Now I can not stand when they come home from daycare despite the fact that I cried so often about the amount of time they would have to spend there. I still feel guilty that they spend so much time there, yet it never seems to be enough. I rarely think about the fact that I see my children for 1-2 hours a day max...I worry that someone else is going to see my last baby take her first steps. I have NEVER missed a first of ANY of our children. So I find myself wondering again where did I go? Who is this women who lets someone else raise the kids? Another kisses boo boos away, another dries tears, another reads books, another makes my babies giggle. Someone else steals my smallest boys hugs and calms him when he gets upset being left by Daddy. Someone else gets to see all the chalk drawings I used to treasure so much I would take pictures of them. Someone else plays board games, and computer games, someone else takes a top importance in my children's life. Someone else sees the smiles I miss enjoying so much.

So I will end this saying that I do not think that anyone can understand how much this tears me up. How confused one becomes when everything they stood for, believed and loved flips upside down. How hard it is when you still remember feeling the old way, yet the new parts say No- The children touch too much, yell too loud, and ask too many questions. I can not take the stimulation. I do not think anyone who has not been there and maybe not even all of those who have can comprehend the strain and pain a marriage suffers during things like this. How you can look in a mirror and search and search for your former self....yet all you see are monsters.

I am baaaaaccckkkkk- Life As We Know It

2009-02-17T11:42:00.001-08:00

Hello all! I have had so little time to write lately, that my blog had to be dusted off in order for me to write this new post. In many ways this is good news. This means that I have been keeping busy and that my hectic life is starting to resume. hectic for the most part is good ,as Hectic is normal. How can the word Hectic not be in our Norm with four kids running around!?

Anyways I have been shopping, and doing our taxes, and meeting with insurance folk, and carrying on with life as best as I can. Am I back to "ME"? No, unfortunately still not yet. I am getting closer by the month though, I just know it. I am terrified to be left alone with my kids for more then a few minutes. This is not because I have plans to hurt myself or them in any way. This is because I am scared. I am scared of what to do if it returns full blown. I am terrified of the idea of slipping FAST into a full psychosis again and this time going so far I have no idea of what is right and what is wrong. I am terrified of becoming a statistic of one of these women who harm the kids they love because of a mental state that tells them that the child is Evil, or that the child is better off gone, or that to make them pure you must do X and Y....Do I feel any of that right now? No not even a glimmer of it, but I am still terrified of slipping. I am afraid of falling back and going so fast I can not catch myself. Going off what my Dr has told me and what I have researched on my own this is not a normal occurrence unless you stop taking your medications to early. I have not stopped and have no intentions of doing so until my Dr says to try. I still hate having to take a pill to be happy or "normal", but I will force it if it is what needs to happen. I actually am already having day dreams that are sweat inducing and just short of a panic attack. What brings them? Imagining my life getting to the point of the Dr. saying I am OK to start weaning off my meds. Imagining that he is wrong and I am not OK and that I then slip backwards and get worse. Imagining that I get not only worse, but worse FAST and hurt someone I love. The fear of the unknown is powerful. I am terrified- scared stiff so to speak. I am the deer in the headlights. I want to have my life back to normal. However normal life was me caring for the kids ALONE all day. I do not think I can do that again. I am scared to try. I find myself thinking of past news stories that involved postpartum psychosis cases. One that struck me hard involved a women who hung herself in her basement. She told her husband to go to work. She then placed the baby in the car in his car seat and went down to her basement and hung herself off a water pipe. Every time I think I am ready to have some alone time with my child or children this story flashes through my head. I find myself touching base and wondering do I feel like hanging MYSELF? Why does this story keep reoccurring? Am I waiting to be alone to hurt myself?? I am not planning any of this. I do not have thoughts of hanging myself and long for a time to do it. Instead this vision is brought to me by a FEAR of doing this. Then I start questioning weather my husband is having these same thoughts. if I say I will be OK for five minutes to go ahead and run to the store, is he thinking I need to hurry what if she is planning on using this time to hurt herself or the children? Does he doubt me and have as must distrust for me as I have for myself?

With all these fears and doubts and the strength of them running my mind lately both Randy and I have started wondering if the severity of going through all of this and having such traumatizing thoughts has caused a sort of Post traumatic stress disorder about. I just can not let go. Then the fact that I can not let go scares me. I wonder if I will ever have a life where I do not touch base with myself often to make sure I am not going to hurt myself. I wonder will I ever jokingly use statements like " Just shoot me" or Just kill me now when something goes wrong and not get a jolt through my body of remembering and wondering do I really feel this way or am I just saying a common phrase that is too close to bad memories? Will I ever feel comfortable picturing my future again? Will I ever be able to say things about the future and smile? Man I hope so!

Now onto a totally different rant that is along the post partum lines still. I am a huge fan of Grays anatomy and Private Practice. Truth be told both my husband and I enjoy sitting to watch these shows TOGETHER. So last week when they did the two hour cross over special I was excited. Randy and I DVR everything so we can watch it after and skip all the commercials. We sat down and started watching. I was really into it for the first hour. Then hour two started and I was hit full blown on with the fact that TONIGHT that night that I was so excited about was the night that they were airing a show about post partum depression. I sat stiff as a board as it started showing this woman. I became terrified of reliving all these things as the show went on. I all too well recognized the women's tearfulness, her fidgety state of both sitting and talking sort of mumbled and very out of sorts. I remembered the feelings of feeling SOO out of control and feeling ones self slipping further and further from reality. I remembered the fighting that feeling with trying to vocalize more for ones own convincing then for another stating
"I love my baby...My baby. I gave birth to that baby, and so of course I love her. That baby...A mother can not not love her own child right? Of course I love THAT baby."
Seeing this scene played out in front of me was hard. I was afraid it would trigger something in me. It did not, scare me yes- trigger bad things no.

The part that disappointed me however is what I will now discuss. First this show was endorsed by post partum International. There was an announcement made a good week before the show aired that it was coming. All of us Mothers who use these sites for support knew it was coming. Yes I am sure many others were scared of seeing it play out again in front of them...But I am also sure that others were excited to see the truth behind this medical disorder displayed. The show we were told was to portray postpartum DEPRESSION. We were also told that there would be a service announcement made at the end giving viewers a web site they could go to for more information if they thought they or a loved one had this. The show aired showed a Mother fighting Post partum PSYCHOSIS however.( which yes this is what I myself was fighting- when you enter psychosis you must also enter postpartum depression...usually in both directions from what I am told. meaning it goes depression-psychosis- medications-depression- hopefully back to "normal". Many women who enter psychosis however are actually Bi polar. Again I am a rarity here and have been completely cleared now by two Dr's of NOT having Bi polar.) The mother tryed to drown her child in the bathtub because she was sleep deprived and felt that was her way to get sleep. This part again was hard for me to witness as one of the thoughts I had and was terrified of doing was drowning one or more of my kids in the tub. I never had a PLAN to do this I was AFRAID of doing it...but to see it played out in front of you is hard.

The problem with this is that the media LOVES to mingle these two disorders together. They are similar in some areas, but are Two totally different ends of the spectrum! When the everyday person who has never experienced any of these disorders hears them in the same light they think that every woman who has Post partum depression is going to go out and drown her baby. Or less commonly they think that it is no big deal even if it enters psychosis as women go into post partum depression fairly often and nothing happens Right? Yes it is fact that the majority of women will never harm the baby or them selves. These odds are not so much in your favor however once you enter psychosis. There is a 5% suicide rate in post partum psychosis. There is also I believe a 2% infanticide rate in psychosis. So MOST women will NEVER try to actually harm the baby or themselves...but like me they will be terrified and think about the possibility daily. That in itself is part of what drives you "crazy" in this state.

The second part that angered me with this show was that the Father kept asking how did I miss this? What happened? What could I have done?? This is a common response in the begining from the Father. The Dr's however just said one thing to this poor man and left it at that. You did not miss anything, sometimes this just happens. This is True in part that many women will not show outward signs as they start to slip. This is because many if not most women are terrified to let others know what they are thinking. They fear the baby will be taken away from them ( as it was in this show) They are afraid of being judged ( as she was in this show) They are afraid to admit any of it for fear of being labeled. The few that do show signs however the partner still could miss if he was not paying attention or did not know what to look for....The bottom line for me though is this man should have been told that EVEN had he seen this coming he probably would not have known the severity and he could not stop it. Psychosis can happen in the blink of an eye- you can slip FAST. You often think what you are feeling is strange but OK because of the psychosis- so you just ACT you do not think or tell someone. My husband I am sure would have done anything ANYTHING at all to make this all stop. yet I again was a rarity and I told him what I was thinking. As I was reaching the point of hysterical and all the lines of what was Acceptable and what was totally insane to think were blurry; I walked this man I love dearly through. As hard as it was for him to hear I am sure- As hard as it was for me to get the words out...I told him. I brought him as close to into my world as I could. I let someone more stable be the judge of what to do with me. I listened when he told me to go to the local hospital- to drive CAREFULLY and get there ASAP and safe. To drive straight there. I listened when I was asked at the crisis center if I thought I could go home safe...I listened when I was so confused I could not think of an answer and turned to him and asked what he thought. I listened when he said it would all be OK when he left my bedside in a psychiatric unit at 1am. I listened and I trusted- but again I WAS THE RARITY. But despite being that rarity and telling him, he still could not make it stop. I will never forget that day even as many of the bad memories of that time have blurred or been forgotten as easily as my own normal life was forgotten when the amnesia hit. It was October 18 a Saturday. I was supposed to sing at the October fest at 1pm. I had not slept all night and my husband had stayed by my side...on The couch. When I started to get hysterical I was fighting it tooth and nail as I did not want the kids to see. We sent them upstairs to play. We never send them upstairs to play..we have a HUGE playroom DOWNSTAIRS. They were yelled at to stay there when one would try to come downstairs as I was on a short fuse and a little unpredictable in my hysterics I am sure. When I left for the hospital it was dinner time and I am sure it was hard for Randy to call them down and feed them like nothing was wrong. I am sure they asked at least once where Mommy was- and I am sure it was hard for Randy to answer calm and in a normal way when he knew they knew something was up and he himself was wondering where his wife was ( as I was not who stood before him minutes prior.) So even when you know- you just can not stop it.

I will not stop watching these shows as I really do love them and I love the time I get with my husband. I do hope they aire a show that will better show the differences in psychosis verses depression though. It should not be hard since it is a clinic that deals with fertility, pregnancy, and ped work. I also hope they aire that broadcast of where to go if you need more information as the PPI broadcast never aired after the show. They need to have a much more compassionate way of going about things next time as well. The psychiatrist should not be fighting to remove the baby from the mother as this aides in healing as long as it is done protectively. Depending on the severity the mother does not always need to be watched like a hawk to have her kids in her care....and being watched even when you know you need it and fear the day you must not be- being watched is hard. I speak from experience.

So please if you take nothing else from this take the knowledge that post partum illness in any form can strike ANYONE. It does not care how well you cared for your body well pregnant, It does not care how much money you make, It does not care if you are married or single 15 or 42, It can strike anyone in a pregnancy or soon after. You could have a healthy perfect baby, a preemie, a still born, a child you adopted out, or a child you just can not bond too.....It does not care it can strike you. It is not fair. It is not easy. It is not exactly the same for any two cases. But if it strikes you or someone you love PLEASE do not hesitate too get help. If the first place does not Liston go to another...It took me three Dr's because I was too "perky" to be depressed. Two of these Dr's still follow me and have since apologized and admitted the error they made, But despite them saying all was well I knew better in my heart. Get the help you need and have NO SHAME IN IT! Do not worry if a person will come take your baby- they wont as long as you are getting proper help. Do not worry what others will think- If they judge you they are either uneducated or not worth the time- most never will bat an eye and will lend you support. Do not let it frame who you become. It take time- much more then we would like I am learning but you will become some sort of stable again in the future. Do not feel if you are diagnosed with any form of post partum disorder you are automatically doomed to harm your children- the odds are in your favor and if you seek help they are even better. Have a partner or family member to help? even better still. Hang in there you too will start a long journey down the road to recovery soon enough. If you need any information please head over to the site http://www.postpartum.net/ or to the site postpartumprogress.typepad.com. Both of these sites are very helpful in dealing with this area of the medical field.

Things I have done...

2009-01-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

Life lately has been just a hazey dream like look and it has been spinning past at warp like speeds, That I have trouble staying afloat with. I spend my days trying to keep occupied to keep my brain from having too much time to analyze. I try to fill that time with at least one chore a day that will help my household as a whole. The rest of my time If I get more helpful things accomplished GREAT! but if I do not and I sit and watch TV or type all day, I do not fret too much. I refuse to feel guilty when I am doing what it takes to survive. This may very well be the hardest thing I ever face, and it may very well be fact that I am doing ALL that I can already. If that is not enough for some, that is not my problem, I do what it takes for ME for now. I decided to use a friends tag to waste some of my time today. In doing so I also get to see exactly what I have already done in my life. I hope you enjoy!

I will tag a few friends at the bottom of this post, and they will do the same. You must copy and paste the list below into your own post, and then make bold (and/or italicize) all the things you have done. Here we go:

Started your own blog
Slept under the stars
Played in a band
Visited Hawaii
Watched a meteor shower
Given more than you can afford to charity
Been to Disneyland/world
Climbed a mountain
Held a praying mantis
Sang a solo
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Adopted a child
Had food poisoning
Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
Seen the Mona Lisa in France
Slept on an overnight train
Had a pillow fight
Hitchhiked
Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
Built a snow fort
Held a lamb
Gone skinny dipping
Been to a Broadway show in NY
Ran a Marathon
Been in three states at once
Ridden in a gondola in Venice
Seen a total eclipse
Watched a sunrise or sunset
Hit a home run
Been on a Cruise
Seen Niagra Falls in Person
Visited the birthplace of your Ancestors
Seen an Amish community
Taught yourself a new language
Had enough money to be truly satisfied
Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
Gone rock climbing
Seen Michelangelo’s David
Sung karaoke
Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
Visited Africa
Walked on a beach by moonlight
Been transported in an ambulance
Had your portrait painted
Gone deep sea fishing
Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Been to Grace Kelley’s grave in Monaco
Gone to a drive-in theater
Been in a movie
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Taken a martial arts class
Swam in the Mediterranean Sea
Visited Russia
Served at a soup kitchen
Sold Girl Scout cookies
Gone whale watching
Gotten flowers for no reason
Donated blood, platelets or plasma
Gone sky diving
Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
Bounced a check
Saved a favorite childhood toy
Visited the Lincoln Memorial
Eaten Caviar
Pieced a quilt
Stood in Times Square
Toured the Everglades
Been fired from a job
Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
Broken a bone
Been on a speeding motorcycle
Seen the Grand Canyon in person
Published a book
Visited the Vatican
Bought a brand new car
Walked in Jerusalem
Had your picture in the newspaper
Read the entire Bible
Visited the White House
Killed and prepared my own meat
Had chickenpox (twice!)
Saved someone’s life
Sat on a jury
Met someone famous
Joined a book club
Lost a loved one
Had a baby (0r 4)
Seen the Alamo in person
Swam in the Great Salt Lake
Been involved in a law suit
Owned a cell phone
Been stung by a bee

Ok, now create your own post of "Things You Have Done" if you are tagged below:

Sara

Annie

Clint

Emily

Jason

Life As We Know It

2009-01-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

Hello Again! Life here in our house has still been moving along at a slow yet steady pace. I had a small set back last week for about a day, but we are assuming that it was in part due to my hormonal cycle. I appear to have a few bad or worse days towards the end of my cycles every month.

My new dose of medication seems to be working wonders on the emotional side of things. Getting past the guilt and the analyzing of ones own current state is another matter all together. We have also been having some trying times here as the hubby is beginning to feel the stress of all that is happening. He saw my body physically back in the home and appears to have thought that meant all was fine and I would resume "normal" again. This could not be any further from the truth. I am still uneasy around the children alot of the time. I still hate being alone (although I manage during the days when he is at work)I still feel proud of myself if I actually get up, make the bed, get dressed and accomplish at least one chore around the house. In other words I still have to push myself to make this happen, which is not normal. I still do not just utter the words I love you to him on a whim as I used to. Heck for the most part I still don't know if I will ever love him the same again.....That in itself is scary. I wonder daily where it all went to. I used to say it multiple times a day and I NEVER left the house without saying it. I used to tell my kids where I was going, when I would be back, what I needed, and that I Loved them before walking out the door. Now I find myself bolting as fast as I can some days out the door without looking back to take the time of where I am going, when I will be back, or the fact that I love them. I just have to trust that I said it enough in the past that they all know it, and that will be enough for now.

Randy and I have seen many a better day that is for sure. Do I think a divorce is on the horizon...Some days I wonder, but no for the most part I doubt that strongly. Since I arrived back home I have caught him in lies to me that stung bitterly, have had a few too many yelling matches, have felt my position in the house being threatened, and have felt I have no pillar to lean on. All of these things add up fast to an amount that I do not know how to handle. Apparently they are adding up on his side as well. For that reason I strongly suggested that he find a counselor of his own. he thinks he is a big tough guy who can handle anything, and well I hate to admit it He is wrong. This has been trying on his emotions too- how could it not? I hope that maybe he will take my suggestion. I hope that he makes some progress, because presently I find myself asking " GOD, when is my break coming? I feel like I just get off one slippery slope and I am thrown into another. What else could possably happen!?" I have yet to get an answer, though I will keep seeking.

As we have been facing hard times day after day, I found myself thinking or fantasizing about what my ideal for this situation was. What did I really expect or hope for in my husband if we absolutely MUST have this horrid thing occur. For one I wanted the perfect mate. I wanted him to know I loved him completely, I wanted him to WANT to help me, I wanted him to LOOK for ways TO help me. I wanted to feel like he was strong enough to handle anything that could possibly be thrown at him and that he would ALWAYS be beside me. I wanted to see, hear, and feel the love he had for me in his faith that we would make it through this and I would get better. If he had doubts I wanted them to be talked about elsewhere so by the time he saw me he had the faith again to face me with inspiration. A delicate balance needed to be formed. I needed to see enough done and managed around the house that I felt secure that he and the kids were safe and comfortable in my absence; yet not so much perfectly done that I felt I was not needed. I wanted support on the good and bad days. Someone who took note of when I showed progress and said "I am proud of you! See I told you you would make it through..Look at the progress step you already took!" Just as much I wanted a cheerleader on my sideline when a bad day struck. Someone who would stay by me AWAKE, trying their best to occupy my brain on something else or to talk about what was on my brain if that was needed. Someone who did not point out to me all that was going wrong, or what they SHOULD be doing instead of sitting next to me. Someone who made me feel like even though the world kept spinning they would be right there next to me SUPPORTING me to make sure I kept spinning with it. I guess what I am trying to say is I expected him to be ~~a loving husband~~ Superman.

On the inside it felt like every other person I spoke with had what I so craved. I heard stories of women who said that they would not be where they were without the support of their husband. I read blogs by those same husbands who said how they loved their wives so much that they occupied anytime not eating, sleeping, or caring for children with researching the disease that took the wife they knew. They then took that research added in some therapy of their own to make sure they were strong and stood beside the woman they loved. They not only stood there but they stood there supporting, cheering, and never letting the women know of any fears or doubts. I am not a big one to advocate lying...But maybe being honest that you feel out of control and that you can't see the light to know how to save us is not what needs to be said in the midst of crisis. Own up to that little lie later when the women you love is stable again and back to living. I read stories of the amazing amounts of support these families got from family and friends. Hubby and I have very minimal support, and often what is offered is not what is needed; However if we dare ask for what IS needed and we are expecting too much, using people, or pushed right out of the picture.

I will be the first to admit that my spouse and I had ~~a full plate~~ an ungodly amount of stress even before the Postpartum hit. We also took pride in being able to swing all of it for the most part with ease. I however was always much more in need of a cheerleader then Randy was. I tried my best to give what I wanted, hoping that the old saying " treat others the way you want to be treated" may apply. Apparently either my husband forgot to read that part, never even bothered to pick up the book ( much more likely) or was just to darn tired to care. I am going to guess that the later was true, but I still felt jipped when I did not get what I so needed and craved. Due to the fact that we had all these stressers prior leads me to two things. First I know we had alot going, so I also understand how much Randy has on his shoulders alone right now ( but I still feel like I deserve some of that time no matter how hard it is to fit!) Second If we had all of that stress then Imagine what it has ballooned into now! For those that do not know me so well I would like to share some of these stresses. Please do not take this as bragging or asking for pity...I just want you clued in.
- We have 4 kids ages 5 and under.
We did not choose them to be this close and yes even tried to prevent them being this close. Someone higher then I must have wanted them here when they came, and who am I to argue? All 4 of our kids were planned to be at some point and we love each of them and were happy when they came to be. If truth be told we actually had planned for more prior to this occurring and had a few losses in our pathway as well. Had we not had the losses we would not have all the kids we do have...So again Who am I to argue?
- Our oldest child is special needs.
Our oldest son has ADHD and has many Autistic traits. They are undecided on labeling him as autistic or not. He also has sensory integration, speech delays, and is one of the most active kids I have ever seen. He is also one of the most caring if someone is hurt.
- We own two houses on one income
We owned a house that was tiny prior to having our fourth child. Due to the mortgage being low and the market at the time we decided to keep it and use as a rental. This left us holding two mortgages. We chose this path and honestly still think if the cards fell right we could handle it. The first problem we had is the city we lived in has some of the strictest rental guidelines in New York State. This meant alot more work then we had expected. Truth be told again we still have not finished all the work and have turned it back over to owner occupied for now. For the last year however we had rented it against city regulations. The renter we had was AWFUL and never paid her rent or utilities on time or sometimes at all. She ruined parts of the property and took things off property upon vacating. This home was a place we lived for five years prior to moving and so therefore was far from unsafe. So yes it was not coded, but that was for minor things like siding on outside damaged, Outlets sunk in past a certain point where drywall was installed instead of being out and fully flush, paint work on interior not finished on places where repairs were made, 5 lb fire extinguisher not installed ( but a 3lb and 2.5 lb one were ) no railing in cellar way ( which was not a place the tenant used for anything other then to have access to the breakers if needed.) The stove exhaust fan was a plug in style instead of being hard wired, the facet and soffet on the back were damaged. This house did have faults as I admit here. The cost to do some of the work was above our means with her not paying us...Our fault and we admit. But she had a brand new kitchen with a flat top stove, new oak cabinets, a dishwasher, a new fridge, and a high pot sink faucet. She had a washer and dryer, She had a brand new remodeled bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub and a shower, a pedestal sink, a new toilet, and a ton of cabinets for storage. She had three bedrooms and a second half bath upstairs. She had a laminated hard wood PERGO style floor in the living room. A new roof, a 2 year old furnace, a new hot water heater, 6 Fire alarms, a fairly large yard, a new porch, a garage/shed for storage, and a huge back porch and deck combo. She was far from slumming it. She made it so we had to worry monthly about the second mortgage though, and we always had the fact that the house only had a partial inspection pass on our heads. Yet again some of the costs such as painting and residing the outside were costly. Now that the tenant is gone we continue paying two mortgages with no sign of an end in site...We are happy if the house gets paid even if late thus staying out of foreclosure. That would be a bigger nightmare for us.
-We have a small zoo.
We are both animal lovers and at least one of us usually both always has felt they are like family. We have 3 dogs, 4 cats, and a rabbit. We would not dream of getting rid of them and care for them properly at all times. The dogs have a pen outside that is 27 foot x31 foot. The pen is attached to the basement area of our house where the dogs have their own indoor room that is 18x 21 foot. The cats live with us in the house, and the bunny has a large cage in the basement separate from the dog room.
- we have little family support
As mentioned in a prior article my husband made a choice to become estranged from his family years ago. he has since led them on in my opinion wrongly. he would hold things in front of them or tease them by talking briefly just as you would tease a dog with a piece of meat. That caused alot of arguments as I felt it was wrong. Regardless of how we got there or if we chose it or not we do not have contact with his side of the family so we have half a side of support at best. My side is great for tossing money at you thinking it will fix everything and then complaining if it does not. My mother gets overwhelmed with the kids easy and so will only take them briefly and prefers only 2 at a time. My father was a huge help when I needed a place to stay, but we don't see much of him either. We have limited friends around and none that we feel close enough to to call and say we need a break or help around the house, or dinner made for a night...or well anything. Basically they are acquaintances. We have each other....so when that falls apart as it has been we have nothing.
- We both had prior medical problems.
I have IBS and migraines and am overweight. My husband has high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and he too is overweight. We both have allergies and I am also asthmatic. I worry about his Blood pressure issues as he does not care for himself with the medicine as he should. When we add in the stress we have had lately I worry about what I am causing, and who will step in if he collapses health wise as well....
- And then there are just your normal stressers. A drive to work, car troubles and maintenance, house repairs, cleaning the house, cooking meals, yard work, getting things mailed, paying the bills, getting to meetings and Dr appointments...The list goes on and on,as I am sure everyone Else's does as well.

I guess what it boils down to is we used to run on stress and never even notice. Now we have been driven one step too far and EVERYTHING has spiraled out of control as result. When you have that much going and you miss a step somewhere it is not good. Things need to run like a tight ship so to speak. Was our home spotless? NEVER but we cleaned regularly on weekends. Our animals were fed and cleaned weekly at minimal on the cleaning. The kids got to appointments, the bills got paid, we scheduled times at the other house as well as times to do repairs here, we checked on each other health wise, We dealt with the kids and our oldest health wise together, we leaned hard on each other..and it just worked 90% of the time. But when half of our team jumped ship ( not by choice...I feel like I was thrown over by pirates..) We were falling and crashing fast. Things got said that were regretted, Actions that never should have taken place did, bad habits from our pasts reappeared and caused alot of damage, children were placed into daycare that never should have seen the insides of those walls...and they often got hurt as a result. Animal care was done but done minimally, kids were fed dinners of hot dogs and mac and cheese many more nights then should have been, Kids were placed to bed later then normal still wearing clothes from the long day at times. Books were skipped, beds were left unmade and all too often left totally unslept in as one or both of us crashed on the couch out of sheer need or exhaustion. Dirty clothes piled up, lunches were made on the fly, items were forgotten for school in the mad rush, jobs were arrived at late, counselors were made to wait, car repairs waited as the car never moved anymore, medicines were dropped to save money for my new meds,friendships slacked, paperwork for odds and ends never got mailed, appointments got missed, bills got slacked on,and the world kept turning....And turning...And turning....I guess the fact that we are still standing at all says something. I guess the fact that we are doing our very best needs to be examined. I guess that there comes a time when you realize yourself alone or even your spouse and you alone just is not enough. Problem is what to do when you realize you isolated too much and you have nowhere to turn and it is too late. The problem is already there. Then what do you do? Pray and hang on tight? That is the only answer I seem to find.

Life As We Know It- part 15

2009-01-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

Hello, hello my loving blog readers. Yes it really is me again. I did not drop off the face of the planet as it must have seemed.( OK maybe that is not so funny right now....) Actually I have had a fairly decent two weeks. I had my ups and downs, but I feel about 70% on the new dosage of medicine.

So lets see where did I leave off at.... Oh yeah
For the most part I KNOW that those days will pass now, and I know I will feel better even when my brain says I never will. For the most part I am not where I want to be yet, but I can see the huge hill I have climbed already just by stopping for a minute to turn around and enjoy the view. I do not know when it happened or even how, but for the most part I think I am starting to be a little stronger for having had the experience. I still have trouble feeling, and I still have a hill to finish climbing, and I still am not 100%, but I will get there. I may have to stop and take breaks along the way and I may slip and fall from time to time...But I will get there. I have to, I am a Mommy, a Wife, and one hell of a person to know. I never used to give myself that credit...Now I know to take it and to also ensure I exist as me as well as being mommy and wife. Now I know to take a deep breathe, talk to my spouse, pop a pill when it gets ugly, and hold on tight for the ride. Now I know when the ride ends I may not want to hop back on and do it again, but I will think wow that was awesome and look you lived. As even the bad days are awesome if you make it through them....The bad just magnifies when you are in the midst and life spins out of control like a teacup.

So now to catch you all up. I spent New Years Eve here with my husband as I should have being that it is also our Anniversary. We watched the ball drop and evil Knievel's son jump in LA, and we played a game of electronic monopoly where I kicked some major butt on my husband! I stayed at the house for the next 6 nights before deciding once and for all I needed to make a decision to officially try coming back home. I figured that I can't adjust and make this my new norm again until I am here. So here I be. I am doing OK. It is stressful and harder then I would like. I still get scared I could hurt myself or one of the kids. I have noticed however that when I have these thoughts now It is not a "I am going to go get a baseball bat and knock that kids head, but it is an I COULD hurt them not an I want to hurt them. Big difference there even if they are both hard to emotionally deal with. The amount of times that these thoughts are felt has decreased ten fold though! I also can drive down a road again without thinking of driving the car into the side cliffs or over a guardrail. That is a relief!

I actually have taken notice lately that I am so afraid of HAVING these thoughts that I "check in" with myself often. It is like
"OK, I feel a little off....Oh No! Quick do I feel like slicing my wrists open....Nope, well alright maybe everything is...OH No! Do I feel like I want to hurt one of the kids?"
No is usually my answer to both, but because I am thinking about it and making myself notice if I am feeling those things I am keeping it on my mind, and thus begins a vicious cycle all over again. It is like that ride on the teacups. I do not do so well on the teacup ride. There are too many circle motions happening all at once in too many directions. I can do roller coasters, I can do Ferris wheels, I love to be shot up or down large towers at amazing rates of speed. I am a amusement park Junkie if we must be honest. That is until we hit the teacups.

That is so fitting of how my life feels right now. I am circling in too many directions at once and I can't get off the ride. I would do anything to be back on the platform with the world no longer spinning, but I am stuck Seat belted and metal barred into a little metal Teacup replica- And to top it off I am sitting next to the ugly fat kid who LOVES this ride and wants the thing to spin off from its base and fly away. So he keeps spinning and spinning on that little circle in the middle making you spin faster and faster....Yeah I hate that ugly fat kid. My ugly fat kid is my own brain though. I hate my brain right now. I want to stop analyzing everything. I want to just live again like I once did. I want to enjoy my children. I do not want to look my husband in the eyes and see questions in them. Questions that go unanswered far too often. Questions of things that far too often I have no answers for.
Things like will She ever just say I LOVE YOU again and mean it? Will she ever be the same person again? Will I be able to handle taking care of her, the kids, and the house well maintaining some sanity myself? When will she be able to go back to living our old life where she cares for the house and kids....Better yet scratch the when WILL she ever?
I do not know Hun, I just do not know. If you want to hold down the fat kid and throttle him a few times for spinning me like this- well maybe I will come back around....Oh wait- Never mind that may be detrimental to our marriage... and Hey that kid resembles you somehow...Just kidding.

In all honesty I know he would never have even let me step onto this ride to begin with if I had not begged, jumping up and down excitedly. I know he still would have said No! Had he had even an inkling of the harm that would come our way. Somethings you just have to experience to learn from. Besides sometimes despite being dizzy, nauseous, and sick You still have fun, and sometimes you still want to jump back on the ride again. I sure have not had "fun" but I am fairly certain at this point I will survive. I hope it gets better as I am not real happy with where I am at, but I think there may be SOME hope. ( This may change tomorrow- thus is the life of a depressed woman) As hard as the trips around and around have been I learned something...I hope my husband has too. As hard as the trips around have been I still sulk in a corner like the little girl who can not ride the ride because she will get sick. I sulk because I grieve, I grieve because I thought I would have just one more ride and be fine. I thought that I would want to hop right back on again...and now I am confused and sad because I can't. I can't because the fat kid is jumping aboard again and we know I will get sick. But it still LOOKS like so much fun, and it seems so unfair because everyone else can ride, and I REALLY really wanted to, I even saved one last ticket to go.

As Bad as the teacup event is though, I can not let it overcast my opinion on what the days entirety has been in the park. I still had fun, I can still have fun on other rides someday, and I learned who would watch out for me and keep me off the teacups next time. I learned who cared. I also had to experience hurt, and grief, and frustration when this person said what I least wanted to hear...But I know somewhere inside that they only say No because they care. They do not want me to step back into the wrong teacup and get sicker then last time....heck they don't want to see me sick at all. But it still seems so unfair on all ends of the spectrum, after all most everyone else rides and does not get sick...and most everyone else gets to ride whenever they like....and all I wanted was one more turn, one more turn without getting sick. I guess that maybe it is time to step back out of that amusement park. I need to so that I can put on my boots and head back up hiking on my hill. I hope I get to a spot where I can see a beautiful view. I hope I feel peace..and I hope I never forget to stop and turn around to look at what I have already done. I also hope someday I stop grieving for that teacup ride and return to a park to enjoy everything else that I CAN do. I hope someday I notice and know in my heart how awful those teacups were. That indeed it may not be fair, but to forget about it and go on and enjoy the other sites! After all there are many other rides out there to enjoy aren't there.

Life As We Know It- Part 14

2008-12-28T17:29:00.001-08:00

Randy and I got my grandparents for the annual christmas exchange. We decided that on top of buying them a gift as we were supposed to do we wated to do more. Grandma mentioned to me that they did not even have a tree this year and did not feel very christmasy. Although I can understand and even agree with this statement it also made me feel a little bad. So we took some of the ornaments that the children made bought a tiny tabletop tree, purchased an angel and some garland, and wahlah! Instant easy christmas tree. I hope they enjoy it.

I made it! It is official! I survived the christmas holiday, and when all was said and done I was mostly worried about nothing. I will admitt that the day began rather hectic and overstimulating for me, but with a few hours for my drug to wear in and I was back to being OK.

Actually for you to have a real idea of what it has been I suppose I need to start at the begining. Tuesday night the kids and Randy came to my Fathers house to open gifts. They ate dinner at the house first, and then began ripping and snorting through the gifts. The boys tired my Father out running laps through the house, and the baby kept Cheryl occupied as this was her first time seeing her. We gave them a giant gift basket filled to the brim with food items and house goods. We figured that it was the least we could do seeing how long they have let me stay never asking me for money only for occasional help around the house. This was just a way of replenishing the stocks I have helped to use.

Tuesday evening we took the tree to my Grandparents house. I then followed Randy home. Randy carried the kids into the house and took them straight up to bed being that it was late. I fed the baby and changed her diaper. Randy and I then sat down on our bed to start wrapping gifts. I should say Randy wrapped gifts, I sat and talked to him, watched him wrap, and handed him things from time to time. He wrapped gifts for about two hours and then we started getting dressed for bed. It was at around this point that I just totally melted. Randy had asked me to put something away and I had nicely handed him what he had asked for. I honestly was not thinking. I really thought I was helping by getting the item and handing it to him. Randy started yelling at me though which made me feel degraded. Him not taking notice that I was at least trying to help made me feel unnoticed. I just wanted him to DO for me and to work together as a team. I felt that he always threw me under the bus when trouble arose. I felt I could not count on him to stand up for me ever. I did not feel like I KNEW with all my heart that he would stand beside me and that he loved me so much that he wanted to do and say anything he could to help me. This led to a massive meltdown with me crying myself to sleep facing away from Randy. It was a first in a long time that I fell asleep and did not hear the words I love you from him. I just felt crushed.

The next day I awoke and realized just where I was. I remembered arguing the night before and crying. I then noticed Randy had not said good bye to me or given me a kiss. This made for a BAD start to the day. I felt like everything was unraveling in my life. I was scheduled for a counseling appointment and honestly I just wanted to crawl back in bed and return to sleep. I did not feel like counseling was getting me anywhere and so going felt like a waste of my time.( Waste of my time?...Like I was going to be doing SOOOOO much more exciting things if I did not have counseling right? Yeah, So I am not sure what that was all about.) I did not want to go chat about how bad I felt arguing with Randy. Talking made it all too real. Acknowledgement meant I had to face that my marrige ws sucking out right now, and that we may fail. Telling someone else about not feeling loved by my husband meant I had to acknowledge that I really was NOT feeling loved by my husband. I did not want to acknowledge that for many resons. First I did not want to throw Randy under the bus as I know how that feels. Second I did not want to sound like I was putting all the blame on Randy as that was not the case. Third If I said those things then I had to acknowledge that I really was not feeling loved by my husband...and that stung alot being that we have such a fairytale story leading up to the birth of our youngest child. After the birth my fairytale seems to have become a nightmare.

I decided with my better judgement to go to counseling anyways. When I started the car I looked down to see Randy had left me a note hand written on a scrap piece of paper leaning on the plastic covering for the spedometer. All I can recall is that he appologized for our fight and said he would try to be more understanding. He ended saying "I Love You <----- I was born to say this to you!" I was still mad, but I was also touched to hear this. Being Christmas Eve I left my appointment and headed to Binghamton to buy some last minute things. I started at Toysrus to exchange a sleeper. I was in line when the cell phone started ringing. I answered it to hear my children's daycare center on the other end. They needed someone to come pick up our daughter immediately as she had shoved a stone up her nose and it was stuck. Randy was 45 minutes away at work and had gone to lunch so he could not be reached. I was 45 minutes away at the store and try not to be alone with the kids unless I have to and know someone is coming to cover me soon. I tried my Mom and she was not at home. My father was at work and 30 minutes away even if he could leave. I tried my mothers cell and lucky for us she answered. She had plans for the night, but agreed to go pick her up as long as I was coming right home. We decided to meet at th hospital to get the stone removed. I arrived and had already put a call into Randy. I figured I would feel comfotable as I was not "really" alone since I was in a hospital. In the end my mother decided to stay and keep us company. They had to run Xrays and then they had to restain the pebble pushing toddler to forcefully remove the stone from high up in her nostril cavity. She screamed and put up a fight and although I am sure she will have a permanent fear of Dr's now, I am also sure she will have a fear of things going up her nose. I am happy to say they removed it quickly and even let her bring it home with her in a jar to show her Daddy. We ate dinner and handed out our annual christmas eve gifts. We always get the kids an ornament eah year that they can place on the tree on christmas eve and we also buy eachother Christmas pajamas. We all get dressed up in our new pajamas hang up our christmas stockings, and then pile into the van to go look at christmas lights. By the time we return home the children are sleeping. This year was no exception. Randy finished wrapping gifts when we got home, I wrapped up his stuff, and then we headed off to bed.

Christmas morning we were awoke at 5:30 when we sent the kids back to bed saying it was still dark and too early, Santa may not have even come yet. They reawoke at 7 and we were forced to rise from the dead and go open gifts. All the excitement and energy a house sees on christmas morning was a little much for me in my current state. I quickly was feeling burnout approach and wanted to run and hide. I would find myself wishing I could go back in time, make it so life was just me and my husband. I had taken my medication shortly after we got up, and by 9:00 or so I was actually starting to feel relaxed again. The kids were asking to play with all the new toys, and Randy and I started to clean up the mess of papers, boxes, and tape that was strewn around. We stayed at home letting the kids play untill 4:00 when we headed out to my Uncles for dinner. We arrived ate some dinner, and then the kids got taken into a back room to open more gifts with Grandma and Aunt K. My Grandmother was there and feeling rather lively despite her recent chemotherapy sessions. Her white cells were up, so risk of infection was minimal. She took the baby and they sat together singing and playing. I got some very nice pictures of them, that I am sure we will all cherish for years to come. This meant that all the children were occupied in safe activities, leaving Randy and I to spend some time together. All in All despite the fact that there were tons of people around it was a nice relaxing christmas. The fact that everyone stepped in to relieve me of the kids for a while was wonderful and I could not have asked for more. I only noticed one thing that was out of place for me. My Grandfather was talking about taking us to the cabin next summer and I froze. I became very uncomfortable hearing or trying to think about existing in the future. By the time we left and drove back home it was late and the children were all asleep. Randy and I talked about possably going to Target the next day, so I stayed another night.

I woke up and felt fine Friday. I may have even felt "Good" We decided to head to Target that afternoon. We picked up Winter boots for our youngest boy, toys from a grandma gift card for each of the kids, new christmas stockings for all of us next year, remotes for our PS2, some discounted clothing for all the kids, and a partridge in a pear tree. Ok so we didn't really get the bird in a tree. We then grabbed a dinner at Mcdonalds and headed for home. The kids were once again asleep before we arrived back, and we still needed to make a trip to Lowes, so I stayed yet another night.

Saterday I still felt pretty good. We went to Lowes and got a new sink faucet, some electrical things to hardwire our baby swing, batteries for some new toys, some cleaning stuff, and a bunch of discounted christmas items for next year. The best part was we once again had gift cards so we spent like $2.00 of our own funds. We headed back home after a quick stop at the Mall to get something from Radioshack. It was once again close to bed time when we got home, so I dressed the baby for bed and fed her well Randy took the others to bed. I then hopped online to check my email and some Ebay items I had for sale. Randy started the hardwiring project on the swing. We then headed upstairs to watch some TV together and eat some shrimp we had left from Christmas. I awoke the next day at 1:00pm! Randy figured it best to let me sleep. I appreciate the sleep, and I probably did need some of it, but I wish he had awoke me at like 11:00. I felt bad sleeping as late as I did, and sleeping like that nakes me question how depressed I am at that moment. That of course starts a spiral of questions and thoughts. I spent the entire day at home with the family again Sunday. I had plans to head back to my Fathers that night though, as I am still not comfortable being alone for extended amounts of time. Randy had to return to work Monday, so I went back to my Fathers. I noticed leaving felt a little weird though. Like I was going someplace that was not home. HOME.....That is something i have not felt in a long while. I smiled to myself driving to my fathers or my other home. I sang to the radio, and wondered if this feeling would last. I then realized with a start that I could not remember that awful jittery anxious feeling. I could not put my finger on the last time I felt it for sure and could not make myself remember what it felt like to feel that way. I felt peaceful thinking that maybe this was actually all going to work out. I did not feel happy so to speak, nor did I know what I had to live for 100%. BUT I also did not feel like not existing, and I could not remember feeling the anxiety of feeling like that. I told myself to enjoy and hope for the best, and to know more bad days may come, but that they would not last forever and that I could get through. It was the first time in a long while I actually felt some hope. I was afraid leaving to return to my fathers may cause a set back though. I had to wonder if it was like a ball of snow and that the more I let it roll the bigger and better it would be. I had to wonder if I was right before and what I needed to do was FORCE myself to be there and push my way through.

Monday I awoke at my Fathers and noticed I did not feel as good as I had the night before. I still felt better then I have though and I took that at face value. I went to my Depression support group that night after stopping at CVS. It was there that I got to share that I had been home for 5 days. It was there that I shared my feeling that maybe there was some hope, and it was there that I was able to share more about the initial experiance through now and how much I can see I have grown. I was met with encouragement and support. I was asked about how this form of depression differs from actual depression in the general form. I think that they have a hard time understanding how I will suddenly be better one day, yet felt the same way that they do and most likely they will feel some form of this for life. They still support me though. I find that fact hard to grasp at times myself. There will most likely come a day when I no longer need that support group as I have beaten postpartum depression and no longer have a need for a depression support group. I listion to some of the stories there and some people have fought depression for 30+ years! I will most likely thankfully never have to say that. Mine SHOULD get better just with time for the hormones to regulate, patience ( which I lack), support from my husband and family ( I can at least count on one of those for the most part) and medications to help me along the way. I parked my car at the hospital a few weeks back now because I had a meeting there. I sat in my car for 5 minutes or so staring at my old window inthe psychiatric unit. I thought how this was the same view my husband and Father saw when they came to visit me. I wondered how many people who parked there knew they were right below a psychiatric unit. I wondered how some of the other patients have gone on to live. I then thought of how far5 I have come. When I was inside I was terrified to come out. I was very frazzle brained to say the least. I was confused at best and paranoid, scared, jittery, and far from stable. I felt alone and terrified of hurting myself. I KNEW I could never make it on the outside. But as I sat in the car that day I realized how I am not jittery all the time anymore like I was. I am not scared of everything anymore. Yes I still get scared on real bad days, but for the most part I just want human contact and support on the bad days just to ensure safety and support. I still get scared that on real bad days impulsotivity will overrule my commen sense is why I want this. For the most part I KNOW that those days will pass now, and I know I will feel better even when my brain says I never will. For the most part I am not where I want to be yet, but I can see the huge hill I have climbed already just by stopping for a minute to turn around and enjoy the view. I do not know when it happened or even how, but for the most part I think I am starting to be a little stronger for having had the experiance. I still have trouble feeling, and I still have a hill to finish climbing, and I still am not 100%, but I will get there. I may have to stop and take breaks along the way and I may slip and fall from time to time...But I will get there. I have to, I am a Mommy, a Wife, and one hell of a person to know. I never used to give myself that credit...Now I know to take it and to also ensure I exist as me as well as being mommy and wife. Now I know to take a deep breathe, talk to my spouse, pop a pill when it gets ugly, and hold on tight for the ride. Now I know when the ride ends I may not want to hop back on and do it again, but I will think wow that was awesome and look you lived. As even the bad days are awesome if you make it through them....The bad just magnifies when you are in the midst and life spins out of control like a teacup.
To be continued...

Life As We Know It- part 13

2008-12-23T11:03:00.001-08:00

So lets just hope that the good vibes continue for me. I just want to get through christmas. I feel the kids deserve me to be at the house on christmas morning, but that is going to make for a very long and stressful day for me. Once christmas is over I still have to make it through my anniversary. I am still trying to figure out how to go about that one. How do you celebrate being together when you can't feel the love OF being together? I don't know, but I sure hope that the new year brings back my old life. I have had a few good days, but I still miss me.

I am moody today, and the kids are coming to open pop pops christmas gifts. I have decided that due to the hormonal problms I think I have entered menopause. Laugh it up, just you wait till it happens to you! I am hot as hell even outside in the snow. I am not sick, I do not get the chils..Just hot and then normal. My cycles have gone to hell as well and I certainly know I am not pregnant! I was always like clockwork which is how we knew when we were pregnant so early on! I am now having cycles of 37-40 days! This is nutts. I keep going from Dr to Dr though and nobody does anything to regulate these hormones. I keep being passed off. The new OB appointment is not able to be done untill January 15! Another two weeks...That sounds like a lifetime when you are depressed.

Randy and I got my grandparents for the annual christmas exchange. We decided that on top of buying them a gift as we were supposed to do we wated to do more. Grandma mentioned to me that they did not even have a tree this year and did not feel very christmasy. Although I can understand and even agree with this statement it also made me feel a little bad. So we took some of the ornaments that the children made bought a tiny tabletop tree, purchased an angel and some garland, and wahlah! Instant easy christmas tree. I hope they enjoy it.

Life As We Know It- part 12

2008-12-22T12:36:00.000-08:00

That day is not today and I doubt it will be tomorrow, but at least after two psych. Dr appointments and a new drug to be hopeful of I can say I hope to see another day. It's not much, but at this point I'll take it. I just wish I could see when my someday was going to appear. I wish I could know how many times I must fall and what I can really take. I hope I can at the very least answer these things someday. I hope that someday my kids forget about Mommy being sick and having to live with Pop Pop. I hope My husband and my children forgive me someday. I hope that I can forgive myself someday. I hope I finally get the chance to be what I wanted my whole life...A Mommy. I sucked out of it pretty bad for now, but I never intended this pain! I hope that all involved will know this some day.

I wrote my last LAWKI entry nearly a week ago now. I started my new medication and promptly stopped it four days later. The side effects of it hd to have been far worse then what the depression can throw me. I told my husband and my Father that I have never touched an illegal drug in my lifetime, but this had to be like tripping. A bad trip at that. The first night I felt nauceous and like the room was swaying and spinning. I was dizzy and things kept going out of focus. The second day I still felt like the room was swaying. That made me feel like I was sea sick. Then everything started to go out of focus and look like it was moving when it was not. It made things appear to be vibrating and often coming at me. At the best moments of clarity looking at things reminded me of looking at a hot roadway in the summer heat. You know how you can see lines of heat rising? Yeh well everything I looked at I had to look at through those lines. The third day I felt aggitated and very low emotionally, but at least the world was not moving. By day four I was feeling what I feel is equivalent of rage and was very depressed again. I told Randy I saw a picture of one of our children on the wall and it made me want to rip it up. Even on my bad days prior I never had a problem with the pictures. I may not have felt much to look at them, but I never wanted to ruin them! I also was very irritable. The kids were screeching when I called Randy and it was like nails on a blackboard. I had to go to the house to pick up some things, and I told Randy to expect it to be a fast trip and I was coming when the kids were in bed.

Because I had been taking this med at around 8pm but I obviously was not safe to drive on it, so I did not take it before leaving. By the time that 11:30pm rolled around and I was still at the house looking through some bins of baby things I was giving to someone on trade I was feeling good. I felt calm again, I was able to talk to randy and laugh at a video he had taped the night prior. Then the baby woke up and smiled up at me and started cooing. Right then and there at least for that moment I was sold. I picked her up and played a little with her. I changed her diaper, and passed her to daddy well I made her a bottle. I told Randy at that moment I felt I could come home and learn to adjust...IF it were just me, him, and the baby. Not forever, Not I want to erase the other children from my life...I just can not seem to be able to tolerate the hecticness that comes withthe amount of them and thier ages right now. This is n no way there fault, and I loved the experiance usually....Right now it is complicated though.

I noticed about two hours after I should have taken the medicin that a bad headach started. We looked up side effects and listed under wihdrawl off this drug was a headache, seizures, body aches, suicide tendancies, anxiety, and hallucinations. Great so coming down off this I would have a headache that was going to make me want to die which would lead to anxiety and then I will start to hallucinate about ways to go about it, but then my muscles will ache so bad that I would not be able to act on anything if I wanted to...Oh but have no fear as just when I am at such a miserable point that I feel I can take no more I will have a seizure! WOOHOOO. I actually lucked out probably because I was not on the drug long term. I got a bad headache for two days and my body ached. I also felt very jittery like I drank way too much coffee, and my insides felt warm well my hands and feet felt cold. I was back to my old miserable plain depressed self by day two's end.

Maybe it was having felt so awful on the drug in between or maybe I really have been having a couple of good days, but after the withdrawl affects of the medication were done I felt good. Not dancing in the streets, set up a parade I am coming home good, but good. I was not anxious, I did not feel aggitated or rage towards anyone, I did not feel sick. I just felt...normal. Certainly not 100%, but any amount of normal I will take.

Today was not as good as yesterday, but it was still good. I had a DR. appointment and was hoping maybe we could get my estrogen figured out. The Dr has sent me on to see another DR reguarding the estrogen. It is like nobody knows what to do about this problem, yet everyone agrees it could be part of the problem. They also tested me for some rare pregnancy complication that can affect your liver and the pituiary gland which in turn affects your hormones. They said they do not think I will have this as it is very rare, but being that I have all the symptoms he felt obligated to test me. It would be just my luck with the way everything else has gone with this prgnancy recovery.

So lets just hope that the good vibes continue for me. I just want to get through christmas. I feel the kids deserve me to be at the house on christmas morning, but that is going to make for a very long and stressful day for me. Once christmas is over I still have to make it through my anniversary. I am still trying to figure out how to go about that one. How do you celebrate being together when you can't feel the love OF being together? I don't know, but I sure hope that the new year brings back my old life. I have had a few good days, but I still miss me.
To be continued....

Life As We Know It- note of interest

2008-12-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

This is going to become a bit of a rant and rave I am sure, but I am feeling frustrated by myself as well as some other peoples opinions right now. A friend called me yesterday and told me she had read my blog and was disturbed by the graphic details I had used. ( if said friend reads this you know who you are and although annoyed I am not angry.) I am dealing with enough bullshit for six right now, and I rarely even take the time to talk to anyone, so please do not annoy me with nitpicking my blog pages if I do pick up the phone.

I feel I need to clarify a few things though seeing as if one person out of the hundreds of my viewers is feeling this way I assume others may be as well. First off this is MY blog. This is a space for me to vent my feelings and keep track of what I felt when, to hopefully be better composed later as a book. Suffering from Postpartum I have found that there are way too few books on the subject available. The facts are this though I am suffering from post partum depression that entered into full blown post partum psychosis. I blog my feelings as I felt them, as I have nothing to hide. The subject of postpartum issues has been made out to be taboo. The fact that it has been addressed in that manner makes people feel bothered to read about some one's experiences on that road.

There is no candy coating post partum depression though. When you have it the world sucks. You suck, you are alone, no one can relate and you place enough guilt and shame on your own shoulders for having the thoughts that nothing anyone says could be worse. I write this and do so in vivid details because I want to be a voice. I want to become a survivor of this awful disease for a second time. I want other families who are suffering as well to open my pages and feel at home. I want them to know I relate. I want them to know it is OK to talk about this and they have nothing to hide. When you suffer from this that is all you do do is suffer. Most days it feels like it will never let up. I want them to know others have been there and are still kickin even when they wish they were not.

I do not even feel sorry for those who are disturbed by the images I create. I do not feel sorry because these visions can not even come close to what it really feels like, but if I paint it vivid enough that you can feel it then I have done my job as a writer. You should feel disturbed! These thoughts are disturbing, so no I won't change my wording or make it out in less details. As you get a feeling of sadness or disgust due to my blog though you need to keep a few notes in mind.

First I live this life and have every right in the world to document my story if I so please. I will be using graphic details, so consider yourself warned. Second when I express details as I have often in the past about wanting to harm myself or thinking of a fear of hurting the children you should know I have already felt the feelings I am describing and have dealt with them in one way or another. In case you have not picked up on this yet I write in past tense. I find descibing what I felt easier when I know the outcome already. I can assure you the children and I are safe or you would probably already have heard about me on the news. I can also guarantee you that the daddy I would have to get through to hurt them is big and tough. I am sure even more so if provoked, which is why I have never been afraid to tell him my thoughts as they occur. When I am so sick that I can not feel anything to make me want to love and defend my children; I go to the next best thing. I go to my better half who I know loves me, but no matter what love he holds he loves me and his children enough to make damn sure I don't hurt them. We must also note that having thought is very different from acting on a thought. Third take notes as I personally chose to tell Randy everything I was feeling from the get go. I have told someone anytime I felt even slightly out of control. Does that change what my thoughts were saying? No, but they are just that- thoughts NOT plans. You can be reassured of that seeing as I am upset by these thoughts, that I do remove myself from the situation and tell someone my thoughts, and the fact that I am blogging it. Does this mean that I do not become scared when I have these thoughts? NO. The thoughts are gruesome and scary and there is always a fear of snapping when you have postpartum. The statistics however are better for those that have been afraid of the thoughts and bothered, but never once acted on them despite a fear that they could.

I will share the gruesome details so that another woman does not come here and get false ideas that she is all alone and so much worse then I was. I will also share them to paint a vivid realistic picture of what I am dealing with. It is not fun, pretty,uplifting, motivating,or wrong. It just is. It is a disease that strikes thousands of women a year, yet we are still made to feel it is wrong and something to hide in shame. Am I proud of having these thoughts? HELL NO! But it is what I have to face still everyday. It is what the cards dealt to me have to say. I did not get a choice in the matter. If I had I would still be at home madly in love with my husband and children. They were my life and having this problem sucks, But I won't hide my head in the sand. I won't change words because a friend was horrified at the images I put in her head with graphic details. I will pave a path for others who suffer in the hopes that if enough exposure is given maybe people will address the problem. I will write to get the letters from fathers thanking me for giving them hope. I will write to educate. We know we have a problem when we are suffering, We know we need help, We know it will never be OK to have these thoughts no matter if the subject is addressed. It will always be a disturbing thing. It will always be a medical emergency in my opinion. It should not ever be looked on as an acceptable thing to think..But at the same time we must stop faulting women who do have these thoughts because of the disease. When the postpartum takes hold you loose the right to control your own thinking. Is it fair to fault someone for that? Is it fair to make them feel shame more then they already do? If we were more educated on this disease maybe more women could speak up to a Dr, family member or friend. I had no second thoughts when this all started. I knew it was not OK. I knew something bad happened. I knew I was scared to be alone...But you know what I never once was afraid of? I never not once had to wonder if my husband would hear me out and try his best to help me. So no the graphic details will not be changing, but I hope you will continue reading so that the day I say something hopeful or have finally found my way home so to speak...Well I will be vivid in that too, and I hope that you all will be there to celebrate and rejoice with me. I am certain there will be more falls before that day, but I am trying to hold onto some small amount of hope that it will happen. See there is that slight sliver of light under the door again. Maybe if I stand here long enough I will find a way to open the door and actually bathe myself in the sunlight.

If you still don't understand and accept my blog as what it is, that is not for lack of effort on my side. I do not write to offend. I must say that although annoyed I also respect my friend though. She came to me and spoke to me as a human when she was offended. She could have just as easily judged me or wanted nothing to do with our friendship anymore. She did not do that though she came to me and treated me as the friend I am. She led the way in letting me know she did not feel differently about me, just upset by the details I used to decribe my illness-I also think she understands a little more now after our talk. I can only hope anyone else who reads my pages and may possably have been upset by the painted images will take a long look again at all of my story and will read this part first to know why the details are there.
To be cotinued...

Life As We Know It- part 11

2008-12-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

I am back to feeling like I do not want to be alone. I am scared to drive as it makes me feel out of control. I am too tempted to do something because I am so ashamed. I do not want to go to any of my meetings anymore out of want- It is forced. I don't want to have to see my psychiatrist tomorrow as I am afraid he will put me back in the hospital or tell me he feels ECT ( shock therapy) is our only option now. I also feel like I am letting him down. No matter what he tries with me it seems to backfire. Either I can not take it, or it stops working after a while, or it never works to begin with. I am sick of talk therapy as I feel it is not getting me anywhere. I do not feel like I am accomplishing anything or feeling better as a result of it. I do not want to talk to anyone and even let calls from my closest friends go to the machine. I can function in the world as I showed at the party on Saturday. The problem is I can pretend well. I do not intentionally do it, but I want others to enjoy themselves even though I feel nothing. I do not feel enjoyment or happiness. I don't want them feeling pity or talking about how bad Randall's wife is doing. I don't want the reputation of being the crazy one. I was so much more prior!! I want to be the woman I was and to be respected for being a mommy that can handle four kids aged 5 and under. I took pride when someone was shocked or sat in awe wondering how we did it. We just did. It was our life and you don't question it at all when you are living it......Why can't I get back there? Why can't I just live and not question again??

Today was another rough day for me. I awoke late in the morning only to realize I had missed my first of many appointments today. I was supposed to have my second round of acupuncture for this week. I guess it is not that big of a deal seeing as I really honestly did not feel like facing anyone again today. I was still nervous about having to drive my car to the Dr appointment in the afternoon and I was extremely hyper focused on that. I was still fighting off feelings of guilt inside myself for all I am putting my family through. I worry about how much Randy can really take. I know one day he is going to snap and be past the point of dealing with me...Then what? Then I am even more alone in this world and would be out the one support I have as well as my kids. I want to feel in my heart that I love them all again. Yesterday was an awful day...I hate days like that. They make me realize how quickly everything can slip back downhill again. They make me realize how far from normal I still am. I know in my heart I love these kids somewhere as I would never have had them if I did not want them....I want to be that woman again.

Feeling so lost and helpless in this world sucks. You feel like no matter what you do you get judged. You go to a hospital- you are grouped with the crazies in others eyes. You call out for help and no one seems to hear or care. You judge yourself- as the looser you are at that point. You know that none of what you feel makes sense yet it scares you as you have no control over the thoughts. Then there is the guilt for having ever even thought the thoughts. There is just no winning. Having to take a pill to feel normal makes you realize how abnormal you really are.

Speaking of pills I had to go to my Psychiatrist today for my emergency meeting Randy scheduled yesterday. He has added pill number 4 to my daily mix. I sure as hell hope he gets this cocktail right soon as I am fighting a loosing battle and may need a REAL cocktail if this keeps happening. ( And all you other crazies out there know we are not supposed to drink on our meds....That puts a slight damper in my plans!) I still feel like I am letting him down since he is trying so hard to "fix" me. I just want to be not broken again! I do not understand how you wake up one morning just BROKEN. Broken and a totally opposite person from who you really are. How do you just "lose" the love you have for your spouse? The Dr. today told me that he feels that my depression still has not lifted. Gee You think!? DUH! Here I was thinking everyone went around having crazy insane thoughts of hurting themselves! Thanks Doc! Here is your 100.00 for that diagnosis. I am sure I never would have gotten to this conclusion on my own....
The Dr. told me he feels that I may be dealing with some ADD which is complicating things. He of course still feels that Bipolar may be a possibility as well. ( I thought we were past this...) I still say that is not it though and my Psychologist agrees. He ( Psychiatrist) told me he felt I was doing a good job of fighting these thoughts on my own, but that I needed a little more help from a med. He still said he has no real plan for me as he is so limited with the drug choices due to my SSRI allergy. We discussed trying yet another SSRI and chancing it, but he feels I have trialed enough of them that we can safely assume I will react the same. He told me he was proud of me and had no worries sending me home when I asked if he felt I needed hospitalization again. THANK GOD he said no! He said I seemed to be open with my husband about my feelings and he would trust me to continue doing that and to contact him if I needed anything or had another bad day. I am glad he has such faith inme. I just hope I never let him down again.
I was terrified of the hospital. I recall not so long ago wanting to go back, but I seem to have come so far it feels it would be admitting defeat to have to go back again now. I will learn to survive this on the outside! At least I sure as hell hope so...I let some woman put needles in me trying to fight this for god sake!
As I said before no stone will be left unturned. I still feel shitty today, but at least I have a little hope after getting a new drug. I hate the drugs, but if it snaps me back to me I am game! I can also pat myself on the back as I started the day with the kids running around this morning and I managed to keep cool. I said goodbyes and I love yous as a good little mommy should. I just wish I felt those words again! I even sat and watched Zoey for a while unbenounced to everyone else who thought I was sleeping. I can not understand my own thought process. I go from caring who she is in daycare with to feeling bad about daycare to being afraid of hurting her like I was in the start back to my normal BAD day. I don't feel hate or anger towards any of my kids though. Of course that is when the guilt steps in. I know in my heart I could never actually hurt any of them at least that is what I have to believe. I don't feel I would keep talking about it and putting such blame on myself and feeling the guilt if I could. That is my hope at least...I have to have hope in something right? I figure I am so far into a deep dark hole right now that if I haven't snapped yet I probably wont. The thought that I could still scares the shit out of me though. No mom should ever have to think these thoughts! No parent for that matter, but for it to be the one who birthed them..Oh the shame I feel. Shame that reminds me what a bad mom I am being right now.

I can be thankful for at least one thing though- I made it through these last few days and am starting to see some light again just like before. It is not much light more like a tiny sliver of light shining in from under a shut door..But it is light. Not only did I survive, but I did it at home. I am heading back to my fathers house as I still do not feel up to staying 100% of the time, But I did it! I still don't see much that motivates me to keep going, but I did it! Each time I make it through one of these horrid backtracking pitfalls I feel a little more at ease when they start to lift. They never seem to fully lift, but even the start of it brings some relief. I dread the next one all the more each time. It gets harde to stand up again each time. I wonder how many falls can one take before they give up? I am not sure of this answer yet, but I hope that one day I can answer this better then the owl with the tootsie pop. I hope one day I have my life back. I hope that one day I can say I am stronger for all this. I hope one day I love my family again.

That day is not today and I doubt it will be tomorrow, but at least after two psych. Dr appointments and a new drug to be hopeful of I can say I hope to see another day. It's not much, but at this point I'll take it. I just wish I could see when my someday was going to appear. I wish I could know how many times I must fall and what I can really take. I hope I can at the very least answer these things someday. I hope that someday my kids forget about Mommy being sick and having to live with Pop Pop. I hope My husband and my children forgive me someday. I hope that I can forgive myself someday. I hope I finally get the chance to be what I wanted my whole life...A Mommy. I sucked out of it pretty bad for now, but I never intended this pain! I hope that all involved will know this some day.
To be continued...

Life As We Know It- part 10

2008-12-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say I felt Thankful and cared for that he came out and fixed the car. I wish I could say this switched something in me and I loved him again. I wished that I wanted to be home steady. I wish all was well. That is what I wish but the facts were that the Postpartum still had it's ugly hands around me tightly. I just wish now that I new how long that I was going to have to battle before I would be better, would I ever even be better?

A little more then a week has passed since my last blog post. I would love to tell you that is because I felt so much better I was out enjoying life. This was not the case for the most part. I spent Thursday afternoon-Saturday evening at home with my family. Thursday was a rough day for me as I felt like I was fighting an internal struggle that would not show itself and let me know what was wrong. I felt like I was loosing it as I pictured in my head that the cats were trying to talk to me. I knew this was not passable, yet I found myself trying to stay away from them just to keep the feeling at bay. This made me think maybe a med was off. I started feeling a little better after Randy heard me out on how I felt. It amazes me that through all of this no matter how insane of a thought I get I can tell him and he won't act shocked. As he said to me " Nothing surprises me anymore." I just hope that if I manage to heal he is able to trust me and heal from these thoughts as well.

Randy and I had to go attend a meeting on Friday regarding the state paying childcare costs while I am dealing with the postpartum. That went pretty well. Even though it was a day spent doing errands with him it was nice to just have alone time with my husband. Saturday we went to a Christmas party at a coworkers house. They had set up a theme of painting homemade decorations. The kids had a blast and even Randy and I got some time. The owner of the house also has horses and the kids were so excited to go to her barn and see the horses! We stayed later then expected as I was dealing OK and got to sit and talk with some other friends as the kids played. I was welcomed back with open arms and hearts. Many of his coworkers have taken to reading my blog and so have kept up on where I am. This was nice as I did not have to explain myself a thousand times everyone already knew where I was at, and that I was certainly not back to myself. As one of the girls told me " It was a step in the right direction though."

I headed back to my fathers house on Saturday night. I was feeling a little antsy, but figured I would be OK if I just took my meds and headed to bed. I thought it was just the excitement of the day, as even good stimulation overwhelms me quickly. I took my night meds which knock me out and headed to sleep at around 11:00. I woke in the morning still feeling a little off, but headed downstairs anyways and looked though the Sunday paper adds. I called Randy as Toysrus was running a very good deal on Diapers for us when I used the store coupon along with two manufacturer coupons we had. I was able to buy 2 boxes of 184 diapers each for the cost that we usually could buy 2 boxes of 128 for. When you do the math that adds up to about the same amount as getting a free 3rd box. I was also able to complete our younger son's Christmas shopping. I felt a little better after finding such good deals. It is not the shopping or spending money, it is knowing I got a GREAT deal on something we would really need and use.

Monday I went to see my acupuncturist and had to ask her to stop our session half way through. I was feeling very queasy and my stomach was churning. I headed home just in time to start feeling REAL bad. Within an hour of getting home Randy called and said the daycare called him and that our oldest daughter was sick with a stomach bug as well. He was heading home but would not be able to get her for an hour or so. I went over and picked her up telling him he better hold to his word as I did not want to be alone with them. She acted fine when she got home and actually started screaming bloody murder because she wanted to go back to school since the others had stayed. By the time my group meeting was happening I felt OK again and so I went. I told Randy to expect me back at the house as I had somethings in the car trunk for him. He made me dinner and I spent the night. BY morning I was far from OK.

I awoke to the kids running around about 51/2 - 6 hours after I went to sleep. I could feel my skin crawl and I felt very irritable. I felt different in a bad way. When Randy kissed me goodbye to take them to daycare I asked him to please come back home I needed to talk. He said he would be right back. I had a very nervous energy in me. I felt impulsive and Jittery. I was scared I was slipping and would hurt myself. When He left with the baby I was fighting off thoughts in my head. I was thinking I would feel better if I just cut my wrists where they tingled. My arms felt like there was bugs on them and my thinking told me if I cut myself it would relieve that feeling. I figured if I acted on what my brain kept telling me to do maybe I would feel better. Maybe all the urges would go away. I got even more scared though as the thoughts changed and became a thinking of if I killed myself I wanted to take the baby with me.

You have to understand I was not clinically insane in any manor prior to this. These thoughts scare the shit out of me. I get nervous sharing them even with Randy as I can see the stress it adds to him. I feel I am letting him down in some way. I also know that these thoughts are not under any circumstance OK or normal to have. Yes they are just thoughts, but they are terrifying to experience- possibly even more so having a piece of you know they are abnormal. If you did not know - you would act, but you also would not care. It makes me wonder amd I really the strong one or the weak one? I explained these thoughts to Randy in a way that helped so let me paint it for you in the same manor. When I have these thoughts they are just that a thought. It is my own voice or just a thought and really no one in particulars voice just a thought in my head. It is like when you get hungry or thirsty and THINK to yourself I am hungry maybe I will go make a sandwich. You think it before you act on it. My problem is I do not want to go make a sandwich I want to go slice my wrists.

I do not think I want to die. I want to make this jittery impulsive feeling go away and I want to stop feeling the pain I caused in my family life. At the same time I can not think of anything to live for that motivates me. Alot of days being gone sounds so peaceful and easy. Alot of days I wonder when I will get up the nerve to act on something to make this all end. I have no plan. Slicing my wrists is where my brain takes me, but as I said I want to do that to make another feeling go away. I see danger everywhere as I mentioned before, but none of them strike me as the perfect way for ME.

I am back to feeling like I do not want to be alone. I am scared to drive as it makes me feel out of control. I am too tempted to do something because I am so ashamed. I do not want to go to any of my meetings anymore out of want- It is forced. I don't want to have to see my psychiatrist tomorrow as I am afraid he will put me back in the hospital or tell me he feels ECT ( shock therapy) is our only option now. I also feel like I am letting him down. No matter what he tries with me it seems to backfire. Either I can not take it, or it stops working after a while, or it never works to begin with. I am sick of talk therapy as I feel it is not getting me anywhere. I do not feel like I am accomplishing anything or feeling better as a result of it. I do not want to talk to anyone and even let calls from my closest friends go to the machine. I can function in the world as I showed at the party on Saturday. The problem is I can pretend well. I do not intentionally do it, but I want others to enjoy themselves even though I feel nothing. I do not feel enjoyment or happiness. I don't want them feeling pity or talking about how bad Randall's wife is doing. I don't want the reputation of being the crazy one. I was so much more prior!! I want to be the woman I was and to be respected for being a mommy that can handle four kids aged 5 and under. I took pride when someone was shocked or sat in awe wondering how we did it. We just did. It was our life and you don't question it at all when you are living it......Why can't I get back there? Why can't I just live and not question again??
to be continued....

Life As We Know It- Part 9

2008-12-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight I have to go back to the house so that I can hear about the kids getting pictures with Santa at Daddy's workplace, and so we can set up the Christmas tree. I personally do not give a hoot about Christmas this year which says how far from me I really am. I will go though as Randy says he refuses to do it without me as it is a FAMILY tradition. I may even end up staying. I am not really having a good day, but I have to be back in Sidney tomorrow afternoon anyways, and the roads are yucky at night. Hopefully it cheers me up and this goes well. I am starting to think maybe I just need to force myself to be at the house despite the discomfort. Maybe the comfort will not come until I have to stare it in the face..Who knows. I am so lost and confused in this battle that nothing makes sense.

Sunday night went better then expected. We put the tree up and let the kids decorate with the unbreakable items. They had a blast and I sat by bouncing between feelings of enjoyment, feelings of frustration as the screeches of joy and bickering over who got to hang what got the best of me, feelings of the OCD urge to rearrange all that the kids did, and discomfort at knowing I really would normally just be loving this whole experience up. Randy took the kids to bed at around 8:30 and I set to work keeping myself occupied with cleaning up dishes, clothing, and other odds and ends. Randy came back down and we started rearranging the tree to satisfy my OCD tendency. We then attempted to settle a very fussy baby and made ourselves nest on the couch.

Since delivering the baby I have been uncomfortable sleeping upstairs in our bed. Now the discomfort is even stronger as I not only fight off an uneasy feel of the bed, but also an uneasy feeling of being too near to the children. I do not like being on the same floor as our sleeping kids. They are too vulnerable and all I can think is what would happen if I snap? What if The psychosis comes back and I do not stop to think before acting inappropriate and dangerously?

We settled and slept one on each end of our reclining couch. I slept the entire night and even awoke somewhat calm to the kids in the morning. I could definitely feel the uneasiness, but it was better then it has been in the past. The Children are only at home for an hour or so in the morning before heading off to preschool and day cares.

This is certainly not what I wanted for our children or how I ever let things go in the past. I feel bad they spend so little time at home and with their own parents. I became a stay at home mom so that none of our children would ever be raised by someone else. We made the decision so that we had no daycare expenses. We made the choice so that we never missed out on any of our own children's firsts. I am glad that the time is limited at this point as I could probably not make it through any other way, but at the same time I am angry at myself and feeling so guilty for sending them off to be raised elsewhere. I feel so helpless in fighting off this depressed mood and even more helpless feeling like I need a babysitter to even be near my own children. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I still can not trust myself and Dr's tell both myself and my husband not to allow me alone time with the kids. I feel like every move I make is being watched and judged. If I do things I normally would others think I am getting all better or am already there, when I act out of character others think how bad I am doing or feel sorry for me. It is like being stuck in a paranoid state constantly and it all started with the depression. I have always been a people pleaser, yet nothing like this. I did not make my every move around what I felt someone else would think of that move. It is hard to feel normal again when your life turns this far upside down and nothing you do feels normal or unjudged.

I had an acupuncture treatment on Monday for the third time. I started because I read that it can help depression in some cases. As I said before we wanted no stone left unturned if I did not make it out of this dark place. We needed to know we had tried everything in our power to try and light the way. Now to know how desperate I was To find myself again you must first know me. I am deathly terrified of needles. I mostly hate needles in a vein though, but really am not fond of them in any way. I hate needles so much that I chose to have three babies naturally just to avoid having a IV. So to willingly go have someone insert needles in me definitely says I am trying as hard as I can. I will say though and Randy agrees that since starting treatment I have shown definite improvement. I am still far from my normal self, and I still do not really feel emotion, but I am better then I was. We are not sure if that is because of the acupuncture or if the timing is just coincidental, but we will take it either way.

When one is fighting off postpartum depression you feel everything but normal and loving. You feel scared of what you could do and what you have become. You feel confused on how this could be happening during a time that is supposed to be so happy. You feel tired as you are fighting just to exist on a daily basis. You feel unneeded and unworthy from your family. You feel hate towards yourself for what you have become and hate towards others for how they treat you or think of you. you feel guilt, guilt at how you should be acting and guilt for what you have taken from your family. You feel every emotion under the sun with one exception. You do not ever feel love.

Back to how my Monday went. I made it through acupuncture and returned to the house. My husband took the kids to the store which I was not expecting and so I was sitting at the house waiting for them to return wondering what was going on. I finally left as I have a depression support group Monday nights. I got about 5 minutes into my trip and the cars battery light came on. As I cursed the car and thought GREAT, I am either going to be stuck at the house or stuck at my Fathers with no way to leave at will I pulled off the highway into a gas station. I tried calling home for 34 minutes before Randy finally got home. He got the kids reloaded into the van and headed off to come see what was going on with the car this time. While he was on his way I heard a loud exploding type noise. I shut the car off and feared the worst. When Randy arrived we got the car started and the light was still on. he had no idea what was wrong or what the noise could have been. he told me to take the back road home and he would follow. I went 35 MPH and refused to wear my seat belt as I feared I as going to have to get out of the car fast not knowing what the noise had been. We got a few miles down the road and the car started to overheat. I babied it through three more stops every few minutes to allow the car to cool off before we got to a point where the battery finally started to put off no power. Luckily we were right near a parking lot. Randy took a look again and discovered that another belt had blown. This was most likely the noise I had heard. We drove together into town and bought a belt and some dinner for the kids. We then headed back to the car where Randy put the new belt on in the bitter cold while the rest of us sat warm in the van. Never said he was a bad man, just that I felt no love towards him and boy do I wish I knew why! The night ended with me and Randy getting some more alone time and then me heading back to my Fathers.

I wish I could say I felt Thankful and cared for that he came out and fixed the car. I wish I could say this switched something in me and I loved him again. I wished that I wanted to be home steady. I wish all was well. That is what I wish but the facts were that the Postpartum still had it's ugly hands around me tightly. I just wish now that I new how long that I was going to have to battle before I would be better, would I ever even be better?
to be continued....

Life As We Know It-part 8

2008-12-07T12:58:00.000-08:00

That's about all I can remember right now. I know there has been more- good and bad. My brain just still won't let all of it come back. I miss loving my husband with every bit of myself though. He sure is not perfect but he is mine. I hope someday soon I feel the full impact of that statement.

It has been a few days since last writing. I have had some up days and some down. I have not stayed at the house again since last Monday as the comfort just is not there. Everything feels so forced. Loving my children is forced. Loving my husband comes forced. Surviving a day is forced. Staying in my home and not running because I feel so uneasy is forced. I like when life comes natural. I like to stay in my home or love someone just because it feels right. This forcing thing is coming very hard for me. I usually end things or run from things that come forced. I figure if it is forced it is not from the heart. I do not want someone lying to me, so I want to do the same for them. I don't want to stay in something that is fake. There is a problem though as at this point as much as I want to run, and as bad as all this feels I can not make a decision and know it is right. I can not make a decision as I am not myself. Acting on what feels wrong right now could cause detrimental consequences for me in the future.

Randy and I took the children to see the holiday parade on Friday evening. The kids had a blast and were very excited that Mommy was there with them. I think I failed in comparison when the big jolly guy in a red suit made an appearance. After all I have no idea how to fly, do not own any reindeer, and do not provide nearly as entertaining of gifts.(uhhhmmmm) Randy enjoyed having me around too I think. I was Ok for the most part, but I certainly was not myself. I just can not seem to live in the moment- just as the psychologist had said. When Randy was holding my hand instead of relaxing and just feeling how right that moment was my brain was wrapped around how this could passably feel OK as I was not comfortable in loving him that morning. It feels like everyone will call me a hypocrite or something if I actually let myself enjoy something. After all I am miserable so I should be miserable all the time or I am better right? No middle ground allowed. I do not judge others in this manner, yet I always judge myself like that and feel others judge me in that manner. we got a pizza for dinner after the parade. The kids were tired and hungry by this point which resulted in alot of whining. Randy got them to bed while I enjoyed some down time with Zoey. Yes you read that right...at least for those 10 minutes I ENJOYED. I fed her and then we played on the floor together until Daddy reappeared.

Saturday I spoke to Randy in the afternoon and we decided that I should go attend BINGO alone. This was an activity we used to enjoy fairly regularly together, so going would be both freeing- in being an activity I like and weighted in being something to remind me of how far from normal I am and that I am there alone without my husband. I did go though and I won THREE games. That was surprising in and of itself, but also made the night go much better. I went back to the house after the game and spent the evening chilling with Randy. He made me tea and I ate more then I care to admit. I had a headache and was starving....These are both a side effect of progesterone being high in my body I have learned from past problems. In light of the newest discovery of how low my estrogen levels are I do not doubt my progesterone is higher and causing some strange side effects. The best part though was that I ate like a horse and lost 1 1/2 pounds....can I have this problem continue please?

Tonight I have to go back to the house so that I can hear about the kids getting pictures with Santa at Daddy's workplace, and so we can set up the Christmas tree. I personally do not give a hoot about Christmas this year which says how far from me I really am. I will go though as Randy says he refuses to do it without me as it is a FAMILY tradition. I may even end up staying. I am not really having a good day, but I have to be back in Sidney tomorrow afternoon anyways, and the roads are yucky at night. Hopefully it cheers me up and this goes well. I am starting to think maybe I just need to force myself to be at the house despite the discomfort. Maybe the comfort will not come until I have to stare it in the face..Who knows. I am so lost and confused in this battle that nothing makes sense.

Life As We Know It- Part 7

2008-12-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

I wanted to feel safe and happy. I wanted to love my husband. I wanted to show how proud I was...instead I lost myself. How do you go from such pride and such happiness to a deep dark hole where you wish you did not even exist. How do you suddenly wish you did not even have the very kids you loved and cared so much for prior. How do you overcome having let everyone down so much and apologize enough for causing such pain? How do you make it all end without loosing yourself further? I was not sure of the answer, I just hoped maybe it would come to me before things got worse and it was too late.

I spent the remainder of that week bouncing to and from appointments and little odd jobs to keep my mind occupied. I needed to stay busy as the minute I was alone and able to breathe the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to leave my husband and children came rushing back. I hated the days I had time after meetings as I often needed to stay in our hometown for another meeting and so was forced to go spend time alone in the house. The house felt eery to me. It was too quiet and there were too many memories that would fight to escape in that house. The last place I had felt comfortable in was before I delivered our newest baby sitting in that house. The place I begged to return to mere hours after delivery was that house, and the home that I had made with my husband resided in that house. In a strange way I think that the house represented comfort, security and "HOME" to me even though it made me feel everything but these things. I think I was scared I could never return to those feelings so I did not want to be where they should exist. The other part of this was that the place I lost total control over my life was in that house. The place where I suffered through three days of torture fighting off this depression with my husband beside me was in that house. The third part of this feeling I think comes from never having had quiet in that house. I had never been without my kids running around yelling, my husband watching TV or playing music, or a combination of the two. I had never been alone in that house ever. The combination of these three things made the inner conflicts surrounding comfort in this house very strong indeed.

On Thursday of that week I got test results back from my Dr. I learned what could be very valuable information in the path of depression. One of the tests they had run was a progesterone and estrogen level. My estrogen levels kicked back at less then 0.05 on day 26 of a 39 day cycle. This is the levels of a menopausal woman. I researched Low estrogen counts and depression and found there have been studies that found that postpartum depression often would decrease or go away if the woman was treated with low dose estrogen along with an anti-depressant. It sounded like a good plan to me, The problem was finding which Dr would actually prescribe this for me and now. My psychiatrist was on vacation for weeks, so he was out of the question. The Dr. who ran the hormone test on me seemed not overly concerned so I was not sure he would do anything for me, and my OB/GYN had not seen me since I was 6 weeks out of delivery. I had answers with a possible solution and was not sure what to do as a next step. I was also afraid to hope this could actually be the answer as what would happen to me if it failed?

At the same time my Psychologist told me I needed to slow down and learn to live in the now. He told me I was always worried about the past and the future, but never what was happening right now. I knew this was a true statement but fixing it was another thing all together. He recommended meditation to me and said to start very slow like 2-3 minutes at a time. This sounded easy enough, but I later discovered even small amounts were very hard for me to accomplish. Being still and living for the now made me focus too much on what harm I was doing to my family. Being still made me feel just how little I felt for my husband right now. I hated not feeling and that scared me. Being still also made me realize how little I actually do for me. I have been accused of only focusing on myself many times in life. I never liked hearing that, and I know knew it was because of just how untrue of a statement it is. I rarely got exactly what I wanted. In the times I did things never turned out how I had pictured usually because someone else got angry. I hated conflict and preferred when everyone was happy. I was killing myself trying to accomplish that happiness though! I was tearing myself apart because someone else felt I got my way too often and meanwhile I felt I never got the easy way. I was only trying to get things done in a way that would cause others to be proud of me. I was only living to please someone else. I kept slipping further and further away and was being accused of getting it all my way. I did not want things my way, I wanted things to run smoothly and to give me that warm and fuzzy feeling. I wanted to please everyone else and also achieve a satisfaction with myself. This was not possible as I was only REALLY doing to please others. So needless to say sitting still was hard for me and made me think too much.

In all of that thinking though I got a chance to really analyze my relationship and living arrangements with my husband. I decided to date him not because of someone else wanting it, but because it was something I wanted and had wanted for a long while. We decided to have a second child together and to get married. I think now that the timing of his asking or lack of asking in our case was a little off. I now think I realize why I questioned marrying him so often. It was not only that it was a very big decision, but the fact that I was only asked after I conceived his child made it bittersweet. No one pressured me to marry him because of the pregnancy though. I decided that on my own with him and him alone. I remember having huge amounts of jitters on the big day though. As soon as we were on that big stage with a fire burning and minutes to go before fireworks to celebrate New Years eve I knew it was right. I looked at him in a new light. It just felt right and I loved him. He really did have me from hello.

We lived a sheltered life though. We had few friends, my family rarely visited and complained that the house was messier then they like when they did. His family only called and wrote to complain about me and state what an awful person I was. I was tired from raising three very well rounded children one with special needs. All I wanted was someone to say Let us help you for a day. Could we watch the kids for you so you and Randy could get reconnected and spend some alone time? That was what I wanted, but no one offered. If we asked them since it wasn't readily offered we usually got complaints about our asking. I felt stuck with no one to turn to. At the very least having someone unprompted tell me I was a good mommy and was doing good overall would have been nice. I had two outlets my Best friend Gabby and my husband. Gabby lived hours away though so only phone conversations existed no friend to truly lean on and go spend some girl time with. Randy was always there but that was part of the problem we never got alone time, we were both exhausted, and so true time together always got pushed off. I was hurting that we never had it and he appeared to just not care. This made my two outlets much harder to communicate with.

I felt I needed to keep all the complaints inside. If my husband showed up late as he always did I complained to him and him alone. Those complaints fell on deaf ears. He would show up later the next time. If we actually got to schedule something together or even with the kids he still showed up late. I felt very unimportant and did not know how or who to voice it to. I figured if I let family know I would either be put down for putting up with it, looked down on for being so weak as to put up with it, or they would never take me seriously when things were good as they would still recall all the bad I said.

I did not want to become a statistic and I really did love my husband whole heartedly... which was why I could not understand his treatment even more. I wanted to matter and know I mattered for just one person in this world. I could not understand why I was not enough to matter that much. Everything in our relationship just deteriorated. We never spent any time on each other unless it was with the kids or was for a holiday. Our personal life was falling apart and I was holding on for all I was worth. The intimacy was non existent which made me feel unwanted. The late times got later which made me question his faithfulness and made me feel unwanted. We were both exhausted and so arguments flared often. He expected more of me then I felt capable of giving and complained about what I did not do or that it had to happen my way. Still I knew in my heart I loved him and could not imagine my life happening without him. Plus there were those times when everything stopped even if only for a second and we could just be happy together.

I feel it only fair now that I have complained about him that I also point out he had good qualities. Partly because I know he will read this and I don't want hurt feelings, Partly because I don't want others thinking ONLY "what a jerk" and partly because I need to sit for a few minutes and just try to recall some of the good times we have had. I still feel little emotion with anything but being able to write out these old memories still feels nice.

I remember- and it was just right.

I remember crying my eyes out while he spoke to his Grandmother on the phone. She was talking about me and I was hurt he did not stick up for me. I was also hurting as I felt to blame that his family suddenly was like a war zone. He came up to me after getting off the phone and put his arms around me staring up at me (as I was standing on a chair cleaning out a cupboard) and stated one simple thing "This is not your fault."

I remember when he decided he wanted to officially start trying for a baby. This was a huge step for him as he was saying he wanted it to be with me, he wanted a second child in our house, and he was ready to biologically be known as Daddy.

I remember being upset one Christmas eve because we never got time to put up lights. Randy disappeared and when I went to find him he had gotten out a few sets of lights and was stringing them up on the front porch. I recall the statement " well it is not much, but there are lights. I hope this helps make you feel more like it is Christmas."

I remember looking at him following the birth of our oldest daughter and stating " I did it" ( she was delivered all natural with no pain killer in site) He smiled kissed my forehead and said "Yes, You sure did- I knew you could"

I remember his simple reply to me about a litter of rescue pups we took in. He said "I don't care about our dining room floor. If we have to rip it up we had planned to eventually anyways. I couldn't leave them out there in the cold to die" I was head over heels then and there. Someone who felt the same as me on the subject of animals...I was in heaven.

I remember the words "I Love You" being mouthed in the middle of our wedding ceremony. No one was the wiser and it was meant only for me.

I remember his coming home from work to help clean up a major mess that our oldest had made involving lipstick, eyeliner, powder, toothpaste, and water. It was everywhere! The floor was so wet it needed to be ripped out. I was so thankful he was there.

I remember sitting in the playroom at our new house and saying It's ours! He said back yes it is- all ours. First house we own together I hope you like it! It is ours though. Can you believe it?

I remember red roses, eggplant parm, a card, and my husband home to surprise me on my birthday. Scared the crap out of me when he rang the doorbell too!

I remember him telling me he would make the whole house safe for me if he could after my first suicidal thought in the start of this. I was then hospitalized for Liver failing, high blood pressure, and low platelets. Six days later I was taken to be evaluated at the psychiatric floor for having the suicidal thoughts. I remember him saying after seeing my room that he was glad he did not get the chance to come see me as he could not have left me there.

That's about all I can remember right now. I know there has been more- good and bad. My brain just still won't let all of it come back. I miss loving my husband with every bit of myself though. He sure is not perfect but he is mine. I hope someday soon I feel the full impact of that statement.
To be continued....

Life As We Know It - part 6

2008-12-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

I started the day anxious and tired from a lack of sleep and having to face huge crowds of people. I ended my day at home with my husband- discussing what more needed to be done and purchased feeling as comfortable next to him as I have to date. I still did not feel myself, but I felt better. I was still worried that I did not feel comfortable with my kids though, and I hated that this new found comfort was not a constant even after it arrived. I was happy to have even a few minutes of comfort though. I knew I was comfortable in those moments but even then I also noted that the intense feeling of love I used to have for my husband was not there. I realized at that point that we had to form a whole new relationship from this Day forward. I could not try to base it off my past as the past may never return. I needed to trust I was indeed with who I need, and that came very hard for me. I like reasons and explanations and in this case there really just are none. It did not mean I did not struggle to find one still just because I new this fact.

The happy feelings of Friday were not enough to overcome the powerful feelings of despair that came again Saturday morning. I felt useless Saturday. I felt I was never going to be the mom I longed so much to be growing up and then marrying this man I had loved. I was never going to be the wife I had been again. I missed out on so much that I can never regain back in this last month. I felt very low and like isolating myself away from all others. I felt that feeling of impulsiveness come over me again. I hate that feeling. It is a feeling of doom and a sate of mind where any idea I get good or bad is I feel/ fear going to be acted on. It makes me feel like my insides are jittery and that I will never feel normal again. It really makes you feel small, helpless, and like you are never going to overcome this.

I felt this way all Saturday and again on Sunday. I was starting to think I was entering a never ending slump again. I honestly felt like I just wanted to fade away. I did not want to feel all this confusion and pain anymore. I did not want to fear never loving my kids any longer. I hated feeling so scared, little and weak all the time. I hated feeling so alone in the world as well. I missed having a "normal" family life. I feared I would never again experience life in that way. Would I ever really feel normal again? Would I really wake up some day and love my kids and husband? Would I ever really feel safe in my own body and mind again? Could I ever have an off day and not fear I was slipping away again?

As I sat and let each of these bad thoughts in and analyzed each one of them until I drove myself further insane- As I sat and let the day pass me by I hoped against hope that maybe I could overcome this. I longed for a day when I could say and believe that I was a survivor. I wanted to be able to experience my kids growing and be able to tell them what I had overcome. I wanted my daughters to know the risks that they genetically had for this depression. I wanted to want to live again. I wanted it, but it just never seemed to be within my grasp. I wanted to feel the fog lift like they kept telling me would happen. I felt that I should be so much further then I was in fighting this feeling off. It had been more then a month since I had last been home, How long could I stay away and expect my family to still be there waiting for me to recover?

I was supposed to start going home to sleep a few nights a week to adjust to the house and to my husband. I was also going to be going home more in the near future to do things around the house and to spend time with just the baby. That was the plan at least. That plan kept getting taken away though as we could not find a sitter to come into the home. I needed it to be someone I trusted and felt comfortable with. We kept finding someone and then they would change their minds or start a different job. I was getting very drained with each let down. I kept alternating between feeling that my relationship with my husband was the only thing starting to feel normal again and a intense feeling that I could never go back home to him. It felt like too much had changed and happened to our family for me to step back in ever. It felt like I had let too many people down. It felt like my kids had learned a new way of life that no longer included me. You would think that this would simplify things and I would just walk away and start a new life. I could not even get myself to take that step though as it felt I would be giving up and admitting defeat of my marriage. I could not have really cared less about the children as they were safe with my husband and were adjusting to life without me just fine. I figured it was a matter of time before they stopped asking when I was coming home and would loose the memory of my having existed in the house with them. This should have scared me, but instead in some sort of sick twisted way it comforted me. I had gone back into a dark area where I did not want to talk to anyone and nothing felt safe or comfortable. I just wanted to run. The problem was I could never run far enough to forget I had existed in this former life. I felt nauseous even trying to figure out what to do with myself. I had spent the night back in the house prior to this drastic change in feelings. I don't know if that is what triggered some of this or what. I just feel lost. I can't even remember wanting my life Right now.

Not being able to remember wanting that life and not being able to get back into the swing of surviving in that life makes me feel even worse. I know I am an awful mother for not even wanting my kids to exist and for thinking of ever harming them. I know that others look at my situation and feel like I just failed another thing. They think I pushed for something that was too far fetched, not the norm, and completely crazy and bizarre. wanting a large family was a nightmare for some and they told me so. No matter how much I disagreed then, I now wish I could make those kids have never to existed because that would make this easier. I just wish I could feel the love I felt with each one of them again.

I remember my first being born. I remember feeling at last comfortable with myself having finally gotten a baby from my body into my arms. I remember the fear I had of going home to my apartment to survive as a family of two all alone on our own. I remember showing that tiny boy off and feeling pride. Then I remember him calling my husband Daddy for the first time. I remember him learning to walk and how excited I was. I remember my second child's pregnancy test. I recall my husband telling me one night when we decided to try for another baby that it was just the right time and he was ready. We got pregnant first try. We then had a long period of time filled with fear. Her pregnancy started with a positive test at home. I then started having pain in my side so into the ER we went. They took a test and told us that the Ultrasound detected no baby in my uterus and they suspected it was either ectopic or I was miscarrying. I was a week past my period at that point. I remember crying so hard at the idea of losing another baby. I went for blood work every other day for two weeks. They then did another ultrasound and low and behold there was our little girl safe in my uterus. no one could explain it. They said her conception must have happened later then we said by at least two weeks. THAT was not possible as we had not had sex in that time frame. She was born safe and sound at 37 weeks on the dot. Not even 10 weeks later I looked my husband in the eyes and told him we were having another. I remember hugging in the hallway and laughing and crying saying "how on earth are we going to do this!?" nine months later our second little man was born at 39 weeks gestation after weeks of 5 minute apart contractions he came into the world after only 2 hours of labor. He was 11 months younger then our oldest daughter. 2 years later I again experienced a miracle in another girl. This baby was conceived with two forms of birth control in place. I started hemoraging at 9 weeks pregnant and was terrified. She was a very calm baby inside and I was so scared something was wrong. She arrived at 38 weeks 2 days. I had everything I had ever wanted and suddenly I was fighting the worst depression I have ever experienced.

I wanted to feel safe and happy. I wanted to love my husband. I wanted to show how proud I was...instead I lost myself. How do you go from such pride and such happiness to a deep dark hole where you wish you did not even exist. How do you suddenly wish you did not even have the very kids you loved and cared so much for prior. How do you overcome having let everyone down so much and apologize enough for causing such pain? How do you make it all end without loosing yourself further? I was not sure of the answer, I just hoped maybe it would come to me before things got worse and it was too late.
To be continued......

Life as We Know it-part 5

2008-11-29T11:31:00.000-08:00

I needed to do the hard work, and if he could know how hard it was and how very tough I was trying! No one will ever know that, no one that is unless you have been there. So there I was 3 1/2 weeks in to my new found free life and all I wanted was to go backwards. I knew what happened then. I knew how I felt then. I knew I loved my kids then. I just wanted a sliver of those feelings again. Something to hold onto and give me a much needed push. Fighting yourself in a state of depression- ANY depression post partum or not is a loosing battle. Your life is black so all you feel and see and hear is black. Add to that a loss of any good memories and all emotions except pain and you really have nothing. You need to find that something worth going for it doesn't just appear unfortunately. But in the midst of a depressive state the last thing I felt like doing was going on a fricken scavenger hunt for motivation!

A few days after this realization hit I had the first of a many holidays come. My first holiday out of the hospital was Thanksgiving. While in the hospital I had a thought that if I made it through to Thanksgiving I was going to have so much to be Thankful for this year. I was going to have my family back, my memories back, I was going to be experiencing life at home with my kids again and feeling REALLY feeling happiness joy,frustration, anger, hope, and any other emotion that you normally experience in day to day living. This was about as far from my actual experience as you can get. I was still living at my fathers house and only visiting home a few times a week for a few hours at a time. I was still not feeling any motherly twinges towards my own children, and my emotions were still pretty well flat lined. I may be alive, but I was not sure on that day if that was anything to be thankful for or not. If I have to go on living a life with no feelings and no mommy like actions what do I have to go on for?

I was also scared of what the holiday would bring. We always attend Thanksgiving at my Fathers Fathers. My Grandfather has 4 children, 10 Grandchildren and 26 great grandchildren not to mention all those who married into our family. At these Gatherings we usually have an average of 25 people in the house. I was nervous how my family was going to act towards me after falling so far off the deep end. I was also fearing how I was going to feel trapped in a house with 12 children running around- 4 of them my own.

Thanksgiving Day brought about some surprises for me. I arrived at Grandpa's house at around 1:00. I was greeted by everyone with excitement that I as there. I was asked with true concern and love on how I was feeling now adays. I was spoken to by two of the men in my family about how I was going to pull through this and to just give it time. I was told to lean on my belief in God and to just do what I can manage day to day. I was reminded that I had a wonderful husband who loves me very much. I was reminded that he was struggling as well, but he was holding on to the belief in us with all his might. I was surprised at the excitement two of my cousins had when they decided I was sitting with them at what we affectionately still call the "kids" table. ( It was where we all had to sit while growing up, the kids table had now moved to a different table that was bigger) I was surprised at how easy my feelings and stories flowed to these two as we reminisced on the past few months. I was surprised at how everyone really was supportive and some even knew where I was coming from. I expected judgement and was shocked to stare acceptance in the face despite this trip in my pathway. I also was surprised at the need to give my husband a kiss when he arrived.

I can not say I was surprised at feeling enjoyment in seeing my kids, That part stung as much on that day as it always did. I still was not feeling love towards this tiny little girl who smiled so big at her family members as they held her and bounced her on their knees. I felt no pride at my grandfathers statement at what a lovely miracle I had made and that she was a spitting image of her daddy. I felt agitated as my older kids ran around and hugged me hello and asked for cakes and pies after dinner. I felt severe agitation when my youngest son started crying and getting whiny from a lack of napping. I was also pleasantly surprised however when I flew out of my chair and ran to the bottom of the stairs when one of the kids in the family started to fall down the steps. I was impressed at having such a natural reaction and having been the first one to make it to the bottom of those steps.

Thanksgiving did not bring about all the things I thought I would be thankful for, but it gave me new hope in how each of my relatives reacted. I felt support like I have not felt at any point in life. Having grown up feeling like I inconvenienced too many people and was a nuisance to have around this was a change of pace for me. In dealing with this postpartum depression I discovered how little support systems I had in place prior. I also discovered that after years and years of just wanting acceptance I honestly was starting to just not care. I came to not need it as much

I was saddened when I realized that the next holiday was Christmas and I could very well still feel this way then too. Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. I am like a little kid most years. I love to decorate inside and out ( or instruct the hubby on how I want it to look) I love the excitement, I love to bake cookies and fudge, and all sorts of gooey fattening goodies. I love to open gifts and to give. I love the excitement leading up to Christmas day, of picking just the right present for each person on our lists and planing for our children's BIG morning, I love the anticipation of just what my husband and children will have up their sleeves this year. I love going to look at the light displays and to get the kids picture taken with Santa. I just love this time of year ( except the cold snow...that is only welcome on Christmas eve in my book) So being in such a polar opposite state of mind at the start of this season intimidated me and made me feel like I was stuck in this horrid nightmare forever. This of course started me on a slippery downward slope again.

I quickly regained composure as I realized I could still do one of my favorite things- SHOP! I love to get a good deal, I love to pick out things for others and myself, I love the pride I feel when I find just the right thing...and that pride escalates if I happen to also get that deal at an amazing price. For these reasons Black Friday shopping has become a favorite shopping experience in the past few years. This year my husband and I had a much tighter budget for our family. This year we also discussed together what we were getting the kids, in the past this was something that for the most part I handled alone. We also cut out giving gifts to those who do not give to our family or who we just could not afford this year. Our main focus was on each other and each of the kids, and for once this actually felt right. I was not worried about what everyone else would think for once and that felt good. We forged ahead with our plan of attack of the gift buying. We sat and talked on the phone for hours and planned my travel route for the next day based on what time each store opened and if the gift needed was in limited quantities. I can happily say that at the end of that Friday for the first time in history our family was just about done with gift buying. We still needed candy and Randy needed to buy a few gifts from him alone, and I had some of the gifts being bid n off from EBAY...but the majority was done. Randy happily went through the bags with me upon my arrival to the house. We went online together to finish buying a few of the gifts only available online. I started the day anxious and tired from a lack of sleep and having to face huge crowds of people. I ended my day at home with my husband- discussing what more needed to be done and purchased feeling as comfortable next to him as I have to date. I still did not feel myself, but I felt better. I was still worried that I did not feel comfortable with my kids though, and I hated that this new found comfort was not a constant even after it arrived. I was happy to have even a few minutes of comfort though. I knew I was comfortable in those moments but even then I also noted that the intense feeling of love I used to have for my husband was not there. I realized at that point that we had to form a whole new relationship from this Day forward. I could not try to base it off my past as the past may never return. I needed to trust I was indeed with who I need, and that came very hard for me. I like reasons and explanations and in this case there really just are none. It did not mean I did not struggle to find one still just because I new this fact.
To be continued......

Life as we know it- Part 4

2008-11-25T16:00:00.000-08:00

My reactions to each of these events was not totally normal though and this was where my depression had taken hold. My Psychologist diagnosed me with dissociative amnesia. It appeared that the stress of nearly dying following this babies delivery (I had HELLP syndrome), acknowledgement that this was our last, and all the problems in my life with others, and now postpartum depression...well this had all taken a toll on my brain and basically it stepped out to lunch. This was a side note of the postpartum depression and I got to experience it all at once. No support system in place as prior that was my husbands position- now I barely acknowledged we were married. I felt very alone and the fears and thoughts started invading my head again. It was very apparent to me that I was struggling being in the outside world. A world full of dangers to hurt yourself with as was apparent in all my thoughts.

At this point I had survived two weeks outside of the hospitals walls. I did not feel any better and hated the fear and worry not knowing or having control of my own future brought me. I felt that each day was a struggle. A struggle won as I was still here the next day, but a struggle none the less. In my mind I thought I should be feeling all better by now. In my mind I could not understand how others faced this feeling of wanting to harm themselves daily. In my mind I felt hopeless and defeated. In my mind I felt like the worst mom and wife ever to exist. In my mind reality kept slipping further and further away as I fought an endless battle just to hold on. In my mind this will never end, but my mind we must remember is a bit warped and twisted right now.

I knew that my mind was twisted, but it never seemed to help me to remember it. I wanted to walk into my house and feel at home again. I wanted to feel and experience all the ups and downs with my husband and children and know we were a family and would survive. I wanted to feel safe when my husband wrapped his arms around me. I wanted to lean into the hugs that my children offered me after having not seen me for so long. Instead those hugs felt forced and many days made my skin crawl. The good nights felt forced, the medium nights my skin crawled, and the bad nights...well The bad nights no mother should ever experience. The bad nights brought feelings of rage and fear. Fear of hurting those kids that I birthed and always loved not so very long ago. I hated living this way. I called my psychiatrist and asked him if he felt I needed a Medication change. He told me no, I feel you are improving on your current medication, and besides we are very limited in what we can offer you with your problem with SSRI's. He told me we would however try upping my current medication from 150mg to 300mg. At least at this point the Dr was no longer trying to convince me of being Bi-polar. I believe this may have been because I have a relative who works at his office. I have a strong feeling she may have been questioned about my normal behavior as we had always been open about being related. It was either that or he finally figured I really was just a hyper person after three visits always brought me in the door acting that way. Regardless we upped my medication. The first night I noticed I felt a little edgy. The second day I felt irritated by little things. The third day I felt the same, so I called and made another appointment with him.

A week after I was upped on the medication I was back in his office to discuss these new side effects. He told me we would have to make due with them and to try taking my anxiety medication more regularly and see if we could combat it until my body adjusted. He said this was not a normal reaction so to speak, but again due to my limitations he felt this was the best drug of choice and we would have to make due. He did however offer to lower my nighttime medication in hopes that It would still work, but not knock me out cold for 12 hours straight. So now I was three weeks out and still struggling.

Now I was struggling daily with overcoming the feeling of possibly hurting myself and the fears of all the dangers that lurked in the world. I also had one tough week with my family though. My husband had reached an extremely high point of stress and decided to stop working his second job. Although this made sense to me I also knew it was going to strap our already way too tight budget. My husband also made a very stupid move on his part which caused our already wide gap to widen into a cavern.

My husbands family has not liked me from day one. I supported my husband through whatever decisions he made reguarding this situation, but told him I personally was not ready to go hang out with them if he was. I told him he could go, he could take the kids, he could do what he wanted in that area. My only requests were he make a decision and stick by it or have thought through changing his mind. This was not for my benefit, but actually for theirs. I did not feel it was fair of him to say he was done and then take things from them or act all friendly the next time he saw them.( all the while still telling me how angry he was) I did not feel it was fair to our family to not know what stand we were supposed to be making one day from the next. I did not feel it was fair to me if he stayed silent while they ran me into the ground. So I made the request that he make a decision for himself and stand by it. I also asked that if he chose to go back around them that he keep his promise to me that they would not be welcome back in our home after all that was said. This was my only safe place. The only place I could never be hurt by her in. It was one of the only things we had done as a couple that she was not a part of. He chose to end his relationship with his parents and had been estranged for a good 2 years at this point of making that promise. He broke that promise to me while I was already down about as low as one can get.

He called me at my Fathers and said he had some interesting news. I asked what, and was informed that his Mom had called and said she was minutes from the house and stopping. For whatever reason ( I will never understand) He said OK and let her in. He could have said no, he could have said I will meet you at the McDonald's or Pizza Hut, or anywhere. He could have stood up for the promise he made me, but instead he broke it. Now I felt I could not trust my husband and again felt worthless. I was not even worth keeping a promise to! In one move he had just removed the one thing I had asked him for. I already felt awkward at home and now I did not even want to be within a mile of that place. All I could picture was his Mom in OUR home playing with OUR kids. I could not even find the will to go play with my kids and bond with my newest baby, and here some woman who has put me down and told us two of our four kids did not matter was standing in our home with my children!

Inside I was crying out that I wanted the world to just stop for a minute while I regained my balance. Inside I wanted to find my way back home. Inside I wanted to be one of only two people who were top of the list to four kids. I wanted to be one of only two who could make a little baby feel safe and warm. I wanted to be able to make all fears and pain disappear as I once could- and I couldn't. So while I was incapable he let someone else who has caused nothing but hurt to us recently in. He let her play with our baby, he broke promises made a year ago after one of many hurtful letters. He broke a sacred trust I had for him. He was supposed to protect us and here he was breaking promises and bringing in people who he chose not to associate with because of how much hurt they caused him, me, and our family unit.

I could not see through the pain. I could not find which way to turn. I could not see how I could rebuild our marriage in light of this new event on top of not having many memories and no emotion to lean on. I tried to picture ending it and going to pack all my things. We own another house I could get a job to support it and go live alone, it could be done. I just could not picture doing it though. It hurt to much to picture giving up on my kids. It hurt too much to not have the safety of someone who knows me there. I felt frantic. My father tried to talk to me. My Fathers girlfriend tried to talk to me. MY best friend spoke to me and then called my husband to get more information and tell him I was not well.

I just cried and cried and cried. I was sure if I cried enough and screamed inside enough that maybe the pain would stop. I was sure if I yelled at him enough or said absolutely nothing long enough maybe I would feel better and be able to function. Yet three days in and I felt just as miserable as I had the first night. The pain of being lied to hurt just as badly. I finally called him and told him this was on him. That if he wanted us to ever be back he had some work to do. He needed to be the strong one right now as I could not even recall the good memories or most of the bad ones to lean on. I could not recall having a past with him even though I knew we had one. He needed to make me see what was worth coming home to- this was not the time to go lying to me and causing me more pain. I could not handle more pain. I did not really care of that was fair or not. I needed him and I was not usually one to get his attention weather I asked or not unfortunately. This was never his intention, but either he smartened up and made sure his wife came first right now, or he was loosing his wife. I could not see any other options. I was sorry I had to ask now, I was sorry he was already stretched thin. I was sorry he had to work. I was sorry, but unfortunately we do not get to pick a sensible or convenient time frame to need someone in. God how I hoped he would make all my dreams come true a second time. I hoped he could and would be enough to snap me out of this, or at least to give me reason to want to snap out.

I needed to do the hard work, and if he could know how hard it was and how very tough I was trying! No one will ever know that, no one that is unless you have been there. So there I was 3 1/2 weeks in to my new found free life and all I wanted was to go backwards. I knew what happened then. I knew how I felt then. I knew I loved my kids then. I just wanted a sliver of those feelings again. Something to hold onto and give me a much needed push. Fighting yourself in a state of depression- ANY depression post partum or not is a loosing battle. Your life is black so all you feel and see and hear is black. Add to that a loss of any good memories and all emotions except pain and you really have nothing. You need to find that something worth going for it doesn't just appear unfortunately. But in the midst of a depressive state the last thing I felt like doing was going on a fricken scavenger hunt for motivation!
To be continued.....

Life as we know it -part 3

2008-11-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

I agreed to stay the night if he promised to take me to the hospital in the morning. He called my Father at midnight and told him what was going on. I told him I needed him near me but not to touch me. I refused to sleep in our bed as it was on the same floor as our children. I also insisted he take the baby upstirs and just use the baby monitor as I would not allow myself to relax untill she was out of sight. I took my pills which knock me out anyways and just slept.

I awoke in the morning with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I suddenly realised where I was and it made me break into a sweat rather then relax. Home was no longer a place of comfort for me, rather it felt foreign and staged. I looked at Randy and said I still don't feel right. At that point my oldest Daughter pounced on me and layed her little head in the crook of my arm to watch T.V. I felt my skin crawl where her little head lay and I had to fight an intense feeling of wanting to just wrap my hands around her and shake. That scared me and made me uptight. My oldest child a boy is also ADHD and boarderline Autistic. This means that most mornings this one being no exception are spent with him whirling around the room, jumping on furniture, screeching, spinning his arms in circles fast. All this was way too much stimulation for me at this point. I went and hid in the bathroom. I came out and headed straight into our den. The computer is a familiar escape for me, One where I can find anyone at anytime day or night who relates. I sat in the den for hours working on ebay sales, chatting with other moms, and reading my myspace site. None of this brouht the same familiar comfort it normally does though. By the time I came out of the den we were already nearing dinner time. My husband asked me if I was staying. The kids all said please stay mommy, stay! What more could I do, I sucked in my breathe and fought through the intense discomfort with all my might. This is what was expected, these kids did not know any better and don't deserve to feel the hurt this disease was causing myself and Randy. I stayed untill they headed into bed. I then said good bye to Randy and started out the door. I recall the phone ringing as I prepared to leave and I distantly remember Randy telling my Father who was on the other end " Yes she is coming back to your place . Heading out the door right now actually. She is pretty tired after the day she had. It was very emotinally trying for her, but she is still here and not at the hospital." I left before they hung up.

Needless to say my husband was right I was not back in the hospital. I was drained and not feeling very strong, But I was still standing free on my own two feet...wobbly but standing. My only Thought at that time was getting off the road and taking my night meds so I could just sleep. I did not want to exist, I just wanted to sleep. I also made another change that day, I stopped taking the ZOLOFT to see what happened.

I made it through that night, and the next, and the next, and even the next after that. I also continued to not take the ZOLOFT and amazingly with each day that passed the feeling of worthlessness diminished a little. I did not cry at the drop of a hat. I could not remember the last time the broken record of You will hurt yourself had played. I started to feel like Maybe, just maybe I could come out of this and actually survive and maybe be even a little stronger. No sooner did this feeling start though and the next day I was back to ground zero. It was like a scarey roller coaster ride and all I wanted was to get off. The ups made the downs feel even more down. I did however start to feel that the lowest lows were still higher then I was when I first entered this depression. I started to g see my kids for 20 minutes at a time at night before bed. This way I knew the craziness was temperary and would end very soon. I even remember one night holding my baby and pretending to eat her toes and making fnny faces. I remember the smile and giggle she gave me. This was the first time I really had enjoyed this child in her life. I hoped against all hope that maybe this was her first real giggle. I was quickly crushed though as my husband quietly told me that no, our oldest had her in a fit of giggles the day prior. I was crushed, but I reminded myself that I still had a good experiance with her.

It was around this point that I went to my first hypnosis session. I had asked the opinions of all my Dr's and each had said it was worth a shot. I arranged the meeting and also arranged for my husband to be allowed in the room with me. I may not have any emotion attached to us as a couple right now, but I knew in my heart he would keep me safe and so wanted him there in such a susepetable state of mind. My appointment time was set for 1:00 and Randy said he would meet me there so I could go to another appointment and he could work a half day. I arrived early at 12:40 and when I parked I noticed my car muffler had fallen off and then when I went to restart the car to check the time the car was dead. This happens fairly regularly with this car unfortunatly. We had changed the alternator so figured maybe the battery was just no longer holding a charge after being run down so often. I walked into the office figuring when Randy arrived I would let him know. My husbnd has a bad habit of arriving lte for every event under the sun. I figured for this- something that may fix all of the thoughts or lack of memories and emotion- for this he would be on time. As the time neared closer and closer to my meeting time I became antsy. As my actual meeting time arrived I felt so lost. I felt so very unimportant and so little. I lost all faith that I possbly mattered in my husbands eyes. Every fiber of my being felt lost and dissapointed. I thought what in the world do I have to go through before he finally makes me matter? I then looked up and the DR was waiting on me. he said I needed to come in and at least start to talk with him as we were already late. He said we would wait a little longer for Randy before actually putting me under but we needed to at least start with the talking. About 15 minutes into the session I looked up and my husband was standing there. I was so hurt that all I could muster up to say was " You are in so much trouble." He appologized and said he had miscalculated travel time. I still just felt like I did not matter. I realize now that part of that was my depression speaking and part of it was a true feeling that my husband never heard me or made me matter. During my session many things surfaced. I had problems with my mother and feeling she never accepted me as me. I had pain from other experiances I had as a child. And the one that shocked me, but now makes sense. I remembered a memory with my husband. I remembered arguing in our kitchen about him being late from work AGAIN. It was that memory that surfaced from my subconcious that made my husband take a deep breathe and realize just what he had unintentially been telling me all these years. Actions speak louder then words.

We had a pretty good marrige over all. I loved him and he me. We bickered occasionally, but who wouldn't especially with the added stress of 4 kids? He kissed me before leaving the house and we never parted ways without an "I LOVE YOU" just in case it was the last time. But we also had issues. I felt unimportant and like I never mattered enough. He felt unheard and like I always had my way in the house. I always knew sitting right next to me was exactly who I wanted though.

I can not tell you how glad I am that we had always had a policy of kissing and saying I love you before leaving. I can not remember most of the memories of our relationship and those that I do recall have no emotion attached. Those two things do not matter much to me now due to this fact. I know however that my husband got a kiss and heard those words uttered the last time I walked out of that house. I know that at least he gets that memory to hang onto during these tough days.

My reactions to each of these events was not totally normal though and this was where my depression had taken hold. My Psychologist diagnosed me with dissasociative amnesia. It appeared that the stress of nearly dying following this babies delivery (I had HELLP syndrome), acknowledgement that this was our last, and all the problems in my life with others, and now postpartum depression...well this had all taken a toll on my brain and basicly it stepped out to lunch. This was a side note of the postpartum depression and I got to experiance it all at once. No support system in place as prior that was my husbands position- now I barely acknowledged we were married. I felt very alone and the fears and thoughts started invading my head again. It was very apparent to me that I was struggeling being in the outside world. A world full of dangers to hurt yourself with as was apparent in all my thoughts.
To be continued......

Life as we know it -part 2

2008-11-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

My stay in the hospital left me fearing facing the outside world. I was terrified of what other people would think. I felt like others would just know by looking at me. I feared facing my husband and my children as the feelings of love had not yet returned. I feared having to speak with my own mother as she was extremely opinionated on the subject of postpartum. I feared loosing my Independence as no one would trust me. I feared driving a car again after so long- what if I snapped and just drove it off the road? I feared most of all having to face the days when suicide sounded like the only option and not having the protection and support the hospital offered me.

My stay in the hospital ended on day 16 not because I was "healed" as I had hoped to be before leaving, not because the medical staff felt it was time, and not because my husband insisted on my release. My discharge was done hastily and in a time frame I was not comfortable with. My mediacal team was cautious of releasing me and told both my husband and myself to come back immediately if needed. I was discharged on day 16 of my stay because my insurance company said I no longer needed in patient care for my condition. Day 15 had been one of my worst days in the facility to date. I had spent it feeling hopeless and wishing I could hurt myself. I felt as bad to myself as I had the night I was admitted. I was extremely bothered by the fact that when talking to my husband I felt nothing emotional towards him. I was angry at myself for the fact that during these same phone conversations I became easily angered if the baby cried. I felt like jumping through the phone and throttling this poor innocent little being that I helped to create. I would talk to the children almost mechanically as I knew it was what was expected of me. I felt numb- and I hated it! I wanted to argue with the man I loved and know at the end of it regardless of who won we would be together. I wanted to feel safe and loved in my husbands arms. I wanted to feel success. Success at having survived, success at having the marriage to the man I loved, success at raising four kids all age 5 or under, and success at being accepted for being whatever it was I chose to be. Instead of feeling this success I so craved I felt nothing but failure.

This failure escalated when I started feeling extremely impulsive. Suddenly I was not only fearing harming myself impulsively or hurting my children on a whim...Now I was having fantasies of running off on my husband only to have an affair. I craved the feeling of getting drunk, high, or just smoking a cigarette. Prior I was the one afraid my husband would leave me or cheat on ME. Prior I have never been drunk, never touched a drug, and have not had a cigarette in seven years. Prior I was a kind hearted woman who was polite and hated conflict. Now in this new state of mind I not only fantasied of doing these things, but I also found myself easily frustrated and swearing at the nursing staff. I felt like an alien in my own body- Yet the insurance company felt I could be discharged to survive on my own two feet.

When I was discharged the Dr gave myself and my husband orders for me to attend therapy immediately and to start seeing a psychiatrist to follow my medications. I was to start going to a depression support group. I was also told that she did not feel at this time I should be discharged to head home. She said that home created two issues as far as she could see. One I could flip and hurt one of the children. Two I would quickly become overwhelmed in that environment. She also informed us that my final disgosis was being classified as Postpartum Psychosis. This is the rarest and hardest of all the postpartum issues.

I went home long enough to get some more clothing to take to my Fathers house where I would be temporarily staying and to tell the children hello and that Mommy was still a little sick and would be staying wit Pop Pop to recover.

The children were upset I would not be at home longer. I was upset at the lack of feelings I felt toward all of them. I remember walking into my home for the first time after this whole ordeal started. It felt awkward. I felt like I shrank and that the floor was coming upwards at me. I felt the anxiety levels increase with each attempt by my husband to comfort me. It also rose when the kids would screech. I remember one of my friends being there as she had been babysitting while Randy came to the hospital. I remember saying Thanks nonchalantly as she was walking out the door. Nothing I did or said held any emotion with it and I felt awkward.

I arrived at my Fathers house that night and headed straight to the bed. I was emotionally drained after the day I had. I still felt fear in every fiber of my body at the thought that I could hurt myself. I never formed a plan, yet I did not have to. Everything I looked at appeared to me only as what type of harm it could potentially cause if I flipped. My purse strap reminded me I could hang myself with it. A knife in the drawer reminded me I could slice my wrists. A gun cabinet reminded me I could shoot myself ( even though none of the guns were hand guns and I have never shot a gun in my life.) My bottle of medications reminded me I could just swallow this whole damn bottle if I chose. A razor to shave my legs became another weapon to use on my wrists. The shower curtain was something I could hang myself on. The stair well became a place I could throw myself down. A needle was something I could shove into my neck, and my own hands became a weapon I could use to throttle my baby when her crying hit every nerve in me. My older daughters shrill screech became annoying and I wished I could just make her shut up for good. The bathtub was a place I could drawn myself or one of my children in. The car was a weapon I could drive into the barricades on the highway or into oncoming traffic. The train tracks near my House became someplace I could park the car on or just lay my own body down on. Nothing in my own house or my fathers felt safe. I felt totally out of control and scared to death.

I came home on a Monday evening and had been told I needed to be out of the hospital a minimum of three days for the insurance to start paying again if I were readmitted. My entire focus was on getting through those days. On Wednesday I had my first psychiatrist appointment. I arrived on edge. He heard my life story plus some. He asked me questions. he then asked me if I was normally this hyper ( which I am especially if I am nervous) When I said yes, he replied with uh hmmmm.... He then said I ask you because I suspect you may be bipolar and experiencing a stage of mania. I replied back very bluntly and honestly
"Sir I respect your opinion, but I highly doubt I am bi polar, and if I am and this is mania then I have been manic for 27 years with no down periods of depression until now."
He asked again You are truly this talkative always? I again replied "Yes". He said well Ok, I think that the psychosis has triggered you to have extreme OCD.( I was diagnosed in 2003 with very mild OCD.It was so mild I was not prescribed any meds.)His theory was that these thoughts of hurting myself had become compulsive thoughts. Thoughts that my brain grabbed onto and would play over and over like a broken record. He asked me how I felt my other medications were working. I said I guessed OK, but not nearly as well as I had hoped. I said I want my normal life back more then anything. He asked me "what do you want me to do for you?" I replied after tearing up "FIX ME".

He then took a moment and said OK well I am going to add Zoloft into your meds to hopefully combat the OCD. We will start very low doses to see how you tolerate it. ( I reacted very badly with Paxil and they suspected by the reaction I may just not tolerate any SSRI's.) Zoloft is another SSRI, so I was extremely nervous adding it in. The first dose I took made me feel groggy, nauseous, get a headache, and feel agitated. The second dose made me feel alot of Anger, to the point of leaving my Fathers just to not be around anyone else. The third dose was Friday. I felt anger again slightly, but I felt very distant overall. I felt like my hand was not attached to my body and like everyone was talking from across the room even when right next to me. I mentioned to my Fathers girlfriend that I felt funny, and was going to go visit Randy. I arrived at Randy's ( which is technically my house) and felt very awkward again and just funny. I kept telling him I don't feel right. I kept talking about how distant I felt, then suddenly I started Bawling and could not stop. I kept saying "I feel like I came here to say goodbye. I feel like this is never going to end. I am so weak and so tired of fighting. What if we never get back to being US? I can't do this. I am too weak. I hate my life. I just want to go lay down and never wake up. Something is wrong, I don't feel like myself." He sat and listened watching me slip further and further away. He tried to reassure me that it was worth living and he loved me. That if we did not get back to us he would never blame me as this was out of my control. He said that I was obviously not myself and that I did not come to say good bye. He told me that when I felt it was time to go permanently in any way ( away from our marrige or life in general) To do him just one favor and to wait just a Little longer when I felt it was time. He made me promise- knowing full well and I am sure hoping the true me would at least hold to this aspect I never make a promise and don't do everything in my power to keep it. He then asked if I wanted to go back to the hospital. I said I did not know. I then said I need to go- I told Dd I would be back. He told me I was not driving back to my fathers, and he would take me in the morning to the hospital if that is what I wanted. He asked me what if anything had changed as I was MUCH worse today then I had been the last he saw me. The only change was the Zoloft.

I agreed to stay the night if he promised to take me to the hospital in the morning. He called my Father at midnight and told him what was going on. I told him I needed him near me but not to touch me. I refused to sleep in our bed as it was on the same floor as our children. I also insisted he take the baby upstirs and just use the baby monitor as I would not allow myself to relax untill she was out of sight. I took my pills which knock me out anyways and just slept.
To be continued.....

Life as we know it- my days of postpartum depression

2008-11-15T12:30:00.000-08:00

Life as I know it has vanished into a greyish fog. I awoke a month ago fearing facing the day in case of yet another bad anxiety attack. Instead I entered into a long lasting nightmare- one that risks my family, steals those important firsts with my last baby, and causes me huge amounts of guilt and pain on a daily basis. This is my story of traveling the long and difficult road of postpartum depression. I am writing it here to keep it fresh as I hope to someday write it out better in book form. I hope that my story helps someone else out there understand the severity of this disease or gives another woman some hope that she is not alone.

Instead of an anxiety attack I entered into full blown postpartum depression. I felt myself shift at around noon of October 16,2008. It was a creepy feeling that haunts me to this day. I knew immediate something was very wrong. I walked away from my crying child hoping with all my might that the sitter would take care of her and not bring her near me. I walked into a seperate room and made two phone calls. The first to my husband whom was told to get home and that I could under no circumstances be left alone. The second was an attempt to contact my psychologist. I stayed in my home for three days with my husband by my side fearing I would harm myself on a whim or end up harming one of my children. I called my psychologist again and also the suicide crisis phone number. I was told I did not have a plan and so therefore was not a harm to myself. I cried and cried and was afraid of being alone. I felt completly at a loss and hopeless. I was a failure as a mother and a wife. I felt that nobody understood and nobody cared. I felt I had to speak aloud every thought I had (to Randy) just to try and make sense of it myself and so that he knew what was circling around in my head.

In the end of those three days I looked at my husband and stated to him "I do not love you, I do not love those kids and I just want to pack my bags and leave you all. I just want to go somewhere and start life over." It was these words that struck fear into my husband and made him urge me quickly and quietly out the door to drive myself the block and a half to the local Emergency room to get some bloodwork and hopefully some medications. It was in that emergency room where I first stated the words to someone "I have postpartum depression and I need help."
In the moments that I sat wondering what was to come and how I would ever repiece my life together The hospital staff was busy speaking to my husband on the phone and then setting up transport for me to a local hospital that had a psychiatric unit.
I spent the next 16 days in that hospitl attending groups, getting grief counseling, going to individual therapy sessions, and forming friendships with folks I never would have given a second thought about. I considered myself a very open minded person prior- I learned I was extremely opiniated about people who were in the same place as me. I also learned that I had not laughed TRUELY laughed since highschool. I found this out completely by accident while sitting with one of the other patients late one night talking about our families. We sat at a table laughing so hard at each others stories that we eneded up literally in tears. It was moments like this that made the long stay doable.

My stay in the hospital left me fearing facing the outside world. I was terrified of what other people would think. I felt like others would just know by looking at me. I feared facing my husband and my children as the feelings of love had not yet returned. I feared having to speak with my own mother as she was extremely opinionated on the subject of postpartum. I feared loosing my independance as noone would trust me and I was moving back into my fathers home temperarily on Dr's orders. I feared driving a car again after so long- what if I snapped and just drove it off the road? I feared most of all having to face the days when suicide sounded like the only option and not having the protection and support the hospital offered me.
to be continued....

All in a hard days work?

2008-03-17T21:31:00.001-07:00

Ok I have about a million and one things floating through my noggin presently and wow Blogger is actually going to let me sign in. So I figured I might as well sit down and share all the fantastical BS that is in my head ( you know instead of starting laundry and cleaning my house that must be cleaned before 12 tomorrow for Aj's Speech teacher to come and why after all it is ONLY 12:30 AM) Anywho, I have had a rough day with stupid shit and bad boy actions today. It all started after getting home from a 5 minute OB appointment that I had drove 45 minutes each way to attend. Good news is all is well and baby bean is still sporting a healthy Heart beat of 165 BPM. Good news I am still at my pre-pregnancy weight and being overweight to start this is a BIGGIE for me! Good news my Gestational diabetes is still not rearing its ugly unwanted head at 17 weeks in. Bad news my Dr is going on a trip and so I have to see an associate at the next visit.
So I get home to find my house was just as much a mess as I recalled upon leaving ( Dumb fairies are screwing around at work time it appears) I also find that Hubby has still got a piece of ceiling down in the livingroom and has not touched the pipe he punctured With a screw hanging said ceiling. Now don't get me wrong I did not REALLY expect it to get done seeing as he had all the kids while I was at the OB and he is known for being King procratinator...Oh but I was Hopeful to be pleasently surprised and shocked at how much better the kids must be for him then me....Umm yeah- so not happening!
So first thing after telling Hubby how my appointment went was hearing that our lawyer still had not called back about our rental property. Our tenant has cars parked on the property with no inspection or license plates. SO against the city law that it is not funny! So we need to know what we are supposed to do now seeing as if we get found with them there we are the ones fined not her. We already gave her a written notice that gave her untill last Thursday to remidy this problem, yet Saturday the cars still sat there. That property situation is a WHOLE different head ache right now though. One that I do not wish to get into at this point.
This probably should have been my warning to delay all calls untill sunnier weather, but stupid me called up CDPHP to complain yet again about them canceling two of my kids policies AFTER they cashed my check for the payments!! Now let me be the first to say I was a month behind, but not for any reason of delay or bill problems etc. No it was because we have to recertify the kids yearly and stupid me figured since recertifying can often change your premium that you must not pay the month of recerts and they will tell you after confirming an amount that you owe this amount by this date. ( especially since no payment stubs arrived the month of recerts) But I was wrong and as soon as I got the next bill stating I needed to pay not only this months premium but last months I sent it out THREE days later. I mailed it on the 20th they needed it by the 29th. They claim it never got there untill the 4th yet canceled my kids on the 5th cashing a check for not only the back amount but this months which is to cover NEXT MONTH( premiums are paid a month in advance)So when told there is nothing they could do I asked how it was possable that I was told last week they only needed the check in hand by the 29th yet now it is they had to have cashed it and had it clear by then? The man says I am sorry mama that is just our policy and I know the mail can be difficult at times. Umm yeah I mailed you a check THREE days after your statement arrived in hand NINE days before you needed the cash only one day of which was a no mail day. It was going to ALBANY NY from SIDNEY NY I could have driven the damb thing there in 2 hours myself! So then I asked how can you cancel AFTER you have cashed the check paying what was asked for? Well Mam it is pur policy to dicharge anything not paid for by the 29th of the month....Umm yeah so you waited till the 5th to do said discharge why? And better yet What about the money I paid towards THIS months pemium you know the month you claim you are not covering yet you kept the money for? Well mam we have to cash every check that comes in here we get Thousands of them a month...Umm yes, but I deserve a refund or reinstatement because I ALREADY PAID YOU!!!!!!!! Yes this just got me placed on hold, told I was being directed to the office of applications and would have to reapply to which I was then placed on hold and given to the meanest nastiest most bitch like woman I have ever heard who argued with me about what my kids were covered under. yes mam they were in medicaid - Umm no I pay for the services we get thank you ( have no problem with medicaid- used it myself when needed but I want the credit of getting our family back on track and PAYING myself for what our family recieves even if it is at a lower cost WE STILL PAY) NO MAM your children our showing in our free mediacid services...(Well gee then you really Fucked up when you canceled my kids for ME not paying you then now didn't you?) Again I said no mam we pay you , this is what started this whole mess to begin with a check that supposedly arrived late. Well there is no supposed was her reply. Damb woman then argued with me about having applied for my youngest son to be added to the policy a few weeks ago. I was told by the CHP office locally that when they sent in the paperwork on him it should have covered all my kids since it proves we are eligable. I told her this and said I just want to confirm and save us both alot of time and energy doing something that is not needed if it is true. Her reply Hun YOU cant just add a child on the papers using your recert form. WTF? Where the hell did you get that? Did you not just hear me say we applied at the local CHP office for my youngest meaning that it was a new applicatyion and nothing on my end other then some signatures!? Oh well if it was a new application then yes that is correct you dont need me HOWEVER I dont have this information here and need it by Thursday to be valid???????????? WTH? I have nothing to do with this the county office mails it, and they told me last week they mailed it out already( I believe Monday maybe tuedays though.) Yeah IDIOTS!
So then I decided to make some dinner and give baths tonight and get kids in bed around 7:30. Yeah well my oldest was still up at 12:15. Oh and he so lovingly has smeared Feces all over his floor and broken up small pieces of styrafoam all over the place. This kid really gets to e many a day. And his newest thing is crapping his pants again after FINALLY potty training nearly a year ago at the age of 4 NOW he goes back to it. I kid you not he crapped in his underwear SIX times today alone. I am so frustrated with him. I do not know if it is from knowing there is a baby coming( he talks to my belly and kisses it, asks to see pics of baby, and says he wants a sister AND a brother) If it is medical, or if it could be related to his ADHD medications. All I know is this kid certainly should have come with a manual. He is SOOO much harder then any of the others. I love him, but I struggle daily it seems with how to do bst with him or for him. I rarely have a full day of just enjoying him. It is tough and hurts me, makes me feel guilty at times, and frustrates me to no end at not knowing how to deal with him or why he does alot of these things. Ok well I also had a bunch of stuff floating in my head about hubby and how life would have been different if other roads were taken and how thankful I am...buyt that sappyness will have to wait as I need to go clean now.

ANOTHER DREADED MEME

2008-02-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

1) link to person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Let's get cracking shall we?

First my friend Annie tagged me with this dreaded thing, so blame her for having to read all about my boringness.

Boring fact # 1
I love to eat chips with buttermilk. Yes I know this sounds strange, but I grew up on this and have aquired a much loved taste for theyummy treat of it!

Boring fact # 2
I want to have 5 yes you read this correct FIVE children. We are presently expecting number four in August, so we are not far off.:-P Considering my oldest if four years old can you guess what our hobbies consist of? My husband is happy with four, but he is considering five to make the mama happy:-)

Boring fact # 3
My oldest son has ADHD, Sensory integration issues, a speech delay, and also fits onto the autistic scale on the very low end This child has tested every will I have in my body in the first four years of life and I often wonder how we ever made it this far! I love him dearly, but it is a hard up hill struggle dealing with these diagnoses. We finally started him on meds for the ADHD last fall and yes he was young, but let me tell you what a world of difference it has made!! Never will I put down a parent for using these drugs again!! Witrhout the meds my son was a danger to himself and his siblings due to the severity of his impulsiveness and his brain moved too fast for him to learn to talk correctly or know what he even wanted to say. On Focalin he is a totally different child. he is still more of a struggle them\n most children, but he trys hard to behave now, is speaking much clearer, can relay what he wants to, and enjoys life as every child should!

Boring fact # 4
I love the cartoon character EEYore and have for as long as I can remember. I prefer the old Gray guy though. he is just so gloomy he makes me smile.:-)

Boring fact # 5
I sell EBAY items under the name Angeldancer202

Boring fact # 6
I still talk to many of my friends from growing up. My best friends however are Sara and Gabby. I am not sure what I would do without these two. Gabs is like a sister and we met YEARS back in a chat online..we connected from the get go, started talking on the phone and then two days after my first son was born met live for the first time. We talk a few times a week and I can tell her ANYTHING! sara is a friend I had in school who we stayed connected through everything. I was at the birth of her first son and although she eneded up needed a c-section it was the most AMAZING experiance I have ever had and can not thank her enough for it! She would be welcome in my birth room anytime, except my labors usually last two-three hours first contraction to end so being nearly two hours away puts a small damper on that!

I am tagging Sara, Clint, and amanda. Sorry the rest of you already did this too.

WOW! My first official Blogger award

2008-02-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

Well I was beckoned to go take a look at my friend Annies site and what do I find? She had left me the Oh so "famous" excellEnt bloggers award! Hmmm something fishey here as I aint blogged sheet in days! LOL Anywho, I am VERY honored so will wear my badge with pride, promise to try and blog more, and will leave a list of people to pass this award on to.

Ok so step two of this is to attempt to name 10 people whom I wish to pass the award onto. The trick here is that they can not already posses the darn thing. So here are my nominees in no particular order.

1. Emily
2. Amanda
3. NATE
4. Sara
And all the rest of my friend have already gottent his gift, so this will have to do!

Family time

2008-01-28T07:56:00.000-08:00

My family had a wonderful weekend this past two days. We did not go anywhere special, we did not even wander far from home at all but we had fun. It started on Saturday when we had friends over with a little boy right smack in between age of my older two. The four kids had a blast playing in our gigundo playroom( we have a 13x20 foot playroom)and I think the fathers had almost as much fun building our Geo trax set for the boys to race trains around on. While they did this my friend Annie and I caught up at my diningroom table. Annie and I have known each other since grade school but have not seen much of each other the last few years...so we had alot to discuss! If I could have killed off the naucious feeling of morning sickness it would have been an even better day! LOL Annie and her husband also took some things off my hands that I had no more need for but did not want to trash( 2 CD shelves and a dishwasher) So the visit not only made us all have a pleasent time but it made my house less cluttered as well YAHOO!
Sunday my husband was supposed to go work on our rental house in O- town but about two hours before his arrival time we got a call to say our tenant was sick and could we lease reschedule. This was perfect as Randy, the kids and I all curled up on the couch and watched the cat and the hat untill nap time for the two younger kids( and shamefully I must admitt mommy as well) When The babies got up we had a nice family sit down dinnner and then played in the playroom together untill bedtime clean-up and then bedtime rituals began. By 9:00 the house was quite and hubby and I had gotten the house tidieed back up, so we sat down to watch a movie together. I would say half way through we both looked at each other and said " I am hungry!" So we had oranges.....while our brownies baked:-P Have no fear Randy did not blow his diet all to hell as he showed much more will power then I managed to muster and only had a half of one. they were PERFECT all gooey, warm and fudgey just they way I love them! So all in all another good day.
In closing of this weekend I must ask you to keep Tristans family in prayor as he passed somewhat unexpectedly with the timing yesterday at 4:40. He was only 56 days old but was dignosed with Trisomey 18 so did not have a long life expectency. His family is very greatful for the tme they were given, but are of course also grieving for the time they have lost.

2008-01-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

ANIMOLOGY: What Animal Are You? Your Result: Ocre and Gray Dolphin Sea! You're a very hearty person being a good friend. You attract many friends because of your lovely personality, but you're sometimes pretty weird. Your soul mate is the Bronze Goat. You hate the Peach Pig.
Tan Giraffe
Blue Fox
Teal Cat
Red Jaguar
Gold Falcon
Silver and Red Wolf
Yellow Trout
http://www.gotoquiz.com/animology_what_animal_are_you">ANIMOLOGY: What Animal Are You?

Your score on this personality test was 69%

Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural lead, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

Personality Quiz
Take More Quizzes

geesh Louise it is a MARRIGE!

2008-01-15T17:04:00.000-08:00

Upon hearing way too many complaints recently on my baby boards about the marrige subject I decided to post my input here, in my own little corner of the cool blogger household where I wont be judged. I am sick of the whining people( may be my pregnancy hormones here) I hate hearing one the below things.
1. My marrige is so different now with kids, how do you do it?
and
2. I am pregnant with my first and am so afraid of what changes will occur( especially if this said change happens to be with the partner)

I am not sick of these things just to be a cranky moody know it all pregnant woman on a mission, no I am sick of them because if you are married and have or had children and even before these said children came to be thought of YOU ARE MARRIED! You entered into a sacred vow with someone whom I sure hope you loved with all your heart, someone whom you trusted with the world, someone whom knew all about you the good and the bad, someone who you can not imagine life without. You entered into the said marrige to be even closer to this person and to have the world know it( and to gain a wonderful piece of jewlrey in the process:-P) To show that you accept them despite the ugly and the bad. You entered into this to have a lifetime of memories with someone never to have to worry about being ALONE for life again.( but hopefully not to just avoid being alone....)
So I have to ask if all this is true, then why oh why are you worrying about how life will change with a baby? A baby -a wonderful gorgeous blessing packaged in a sweet smelling( at least most of the time sweet) cooing, squirming, fussing, needy, attention grabbing, time taking, sleep waking, bundle of pure joy. Oh wait.....
Yes the truth of the matter is a baby will cause your marrige to undergo changes. The other side is if you entered into this marrige for the right reasons YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH! The weeks do feel a little longer with no date night in site, but you find ways around this or you find a way to arrange keeping the date night. You have a partner who you will see in an entirely new light when they are holding your child in thier arms for the first time. If you thought they melted your heart before WATCH OUT! Your bond will strengthen with having to share your time. You will both be stressed and may argue but you will also hug each other and appologize looking back at what you have already overcame and survived. Besides THIS IS A MARRIGE AND YOU SHOULD BE IN IT TO MAKE IT WORK!! No amount of worrying about how things are going to change or regretting what you miss is going to change that. If you will have that many regrets it would most likely be in your best intereest to stop. Stop right now and do not have more children or have that first( if they are not already coming) if your only focus is on what will change. Change is not all bad, and this is coming from the lady who hates change. If it were not for change I would have missed out on all of these things:
Seeing my husband rock a sleepy cranky child to sleep while I watch in awe.
watching the precious bond appear as my husband became a Daddy
hearing the goodnight stories read by my dear husband to sleepy children
going to the fairs and other events as a family where the days focus was nothing but fun and acting like a kid again
playing football in our yard while kids play around us.
enjoying our first christmas together in a new house we purchased together
never not once taking the few date nights my husband and I do get for granted
The love I feel when I get a kiss mid day out of no where from one of my babies
The love I feel when just a simple kiss or hug is given from my husband anytime of day or night.

You will make it. Yes the change will be there but it will be well worth the sacrifice. Besides maybe you will cherish your alone time that much more and never once take it for granted again. Maybe just maybe you will come out of this stronger then you entered. Will the entire journey be pleasent and easy NO! Not a chance, but if it were would you really cherish where you have come to be in the end? Would you really be able to find the good amoung the bad and feel just as much love for your partner despite a lack of time alone together? Nah I doubt it and so that is how I make it. I love my kids, I love my husband, and I love my life. Is it easy? NO WAY! Have you ever cared for an ADHD disgnosed 4 year old while pregnant and had TWO toddlers running around at the same time? Easy is not a word my husband and I know in life. Would we change it? No way- the kids are a Joy, it is amazing watching them grow up together, and it is more amazing watching others wach us do this. I am able to do something many others can not comprehend and enjoy it for the most part. Maybe I found my calling in life....Or maybe I just have one heck of a husband whom I love with all my heart and who makes the tough days easier and the great days even more enjoyable. Maybe that is how I make it through and not worry about the change- who needs to worry when I know I have my family there with me on either side of the fence ( some days I would love to throw said ADHD child to the opposite side of my fence though! LOL) and my husband is the Head cheerleader of this group that is supporting me. Who could honestly ask for more?

little ones

2008-01-15T00:32:00.000-08:00

Lately in light of all my trouble with this pregnancy and the fear of loosing it I have been extra emotional and caring. I have found a few stories that have touched my heart above and beyond and would like to ask you to pray for them if you are the praying type. If you are not even a small well wish would be appreciated. The first story is of a woman who has Cystic Fibrosis. Her name is Tricia. her and her husband just brought there first little girl into the world at a very early 25 weeks old. This little girl is thriving as much as a micro premie possably can! Her mama has never seen her as she has been sedated and on a vent from the first day. This is of course saddening, but they are a very christian based household with a ton of faith to rely on. This has gotten them through the good, the bad, and the ugly. At this point I just look forward to continued good news on both mama and baby and I long for the story of the first meeting:-) The next little boy is Tristan a small baby 43 days old now. he was born with Trisomey-18 and is not expected to have a long life span. Tristan has overcome many odds already and I pray for a miricle and peace for the family as they are led on this path reguardless of where god leads. The last story has been touching me for years. It is of a little boy named Jonas who was born the same year as my daughter. His mother and I became friendly through IM chats late at night. Jonas arrived early and at 5 weeks old had seizures which have no explanation at this time. He is now struggling after a surgery to place a feeding tube in his belly went horridly wrong. Please pray for my friend Kayes continued strength and her little boys continued healing. Lastly think of my little one. I am 8 weeks now, and the bleeding is on and off still but very light THANKFULLY! I saw the OB today and they expect only the best, but having such bad cramping along with seeing blood and having prior losses wears on me. Poor Randy is staying home all day as well since I was on bed rest and then going to work at 10 pm or so after kids are asleep then he works untill like 3:30-4 and starts the day all over again when ever the kids get up( usually 8-9) That makes for a VERY long day, and I wish he knew exactly what it means to me (even if he doesn't get everything I wish he could done) I know he is tired and worn thin as well as scared of loosing a precious baby as much as me! I did get lucky with him and god help me I do love the man! LOL So there is my sappy tale of the night. Just do me the small favor of taking the time to stop and think of each case.
~SHELL

Dear God not again....

2008-01-10T14:32:00.000-08:00

I have three healthy children here on earth to enjoy time with Daily. I also have three babies I have lost up in heaven watching over us. I lost two of them before my husband with a man I planned to marry. I lost one of them a few months back to what was diagnosed as a chemical pregnancy. ( a pregnancy lost very early on where you get posative test results but then go on to miscarry soon after) Two nights ago I went to bed 6 1/2 weeks pregnant, sick of having morning sickness, annoyed I seem to always forget my prenatal vitamens and have to get back up, and feeling crampy. Crampy is nothing new to me in pregnancy, but this night I had a funny feeling. I awoke to my husband getting home and crawling into bed, I mentioned I had strong cramps to him. I then awoke at 4:30 with an urgent need to pee. I got out of bed and felt a bad feeling. I thought I knew what it was and went to the bathroom to check. Sure enouh upo pulling down my pants I found I had just gushed some blood. I peed and got randy to tell him I was going to the hospital. The wondering would kill me and we both knew it. I got to Wilson Hospital at 6:15. I was checked in. I had a urine test to check for a UTI etc. They then ran blood. Yup I was very pregnant HCG kicked back at 33,000. Then they sent me to Ultra sound. I got to see my little gummy bear who presently is reading at 7 weeks some odd days. The baby has a heart beat, however there is blood around them. Based on what the Drs tell me and what I read I figure it is a Subchoinic(sp?) hematomia. Drs said I may miscarry or my body may reabsorb it by 20 weeks. If you pray please send one up that I carry this and te blood reabsorbs. I am not sure I am strong enough to face another loss. I am not sure I can take the pain emotionally or physiclly. If this baby hangs in they are defanitly a miricle. they were not meant to be as we protected against them and still it happened. I bled and they stuck in there. Thats my baby, a fighter, strong willed, and wanting nothing but to get to be with mommy and daddy and the rest of thier family:-) Man I love this kid already!

New Years Eve

2008-01-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

If you are reading this you already know I am writing it on New Years Day. You also probably already know me well enough to know that I not only celebrate a New Year on New Years Eve, but also my wedding anniversary. The ending of 2007 made History let me tell ya. I had the most Horrific New years imaginable. For starters having found out a bit ago we are expecting a new baby in the new year, I have been absolutely utterly EXAUSTED beyound any belief. I fall asleep promptly at 7:30-8:00 along with the kids most nights and sleep my life away in a blissful slumber untill 5:30-6:00 in the AM. Now I HATE HATE HATE mornings so this schedule absolutely SUCKS in my book. So anyways being my anniversary and not having missed a ball drop since I was like 6 I told hubby I was taking a nap at around 7:00. I laid down in my nice comfy bed while he was putting the kids down for the night as they had not napped that day. Of course my dearest Wookie decided he too needed to lay down and he did not need an alarm clock to do so...Oh no why would one need that? Bet you think you can guess what happened Right? Well I am willing to bet you are only half right.
I awoke with a HUGE start at 12:40 AM to my oldest son Screeching through the hall shouting his sisters name. I am now pissed upon seeing my husband next to me AND the time. I missed my true anniversary time, did not get to celebrate with hubby at all, and missed my first ball drop in 20 years. OH but then I am madder still at why is the child best known as Monkey Running around at this hour. So I get up only to literally run into my daughter in the hall Who smells exactly like my hall does STRONGLY of a very distinct strange Substance OH SHIT! It is the Lysol from the bathroom cupboard! So I race in there shouting to Randy as I go. He wakes up and comes out smelling the strange smell as well but he notices what I somehow did not- our son is painted like a fricken war indian. I ask what he got into and he replies finger paint! With a smile. Well Mommy knows we have no finger paint in the house so I ask as calmly as I can where he got the said finger paint; He replied in the basement. Oh yes my husband also did not see it important enough to LOCK THE DOWNSATAIRS DOOR WITH AN ADHD KID IN THE HOUSE!
So we go running downstairs want to know what we found on the first floor? Enough fumes to kill myself and the baby I am sure. They were coming from our play room where the child dumped an ENTIRE bottle of fabreez all over the play kitchen, the rug, the play mat, the curtains and anything else he could reach. Then He decided to add some Lysol, and some wall paper remover paste gel. All of which is behind a locked door leading into the basement....Hmmmmmm.
Then I notice the ENTIRE christmas stocking full of candy which is eaten ( at least that explains the overly out of control hyper behavior exibeted by my oldest two...) a gallon of ice cream which was only half gone and is now empty with spots of it dripped ALL over my nice playroom carpet, and a can of soda. The child is lucky they are not in diabetic comas. Then I walk into my Kitchen. Eggs cracked all over the floor, more spray remover gel on my gorgeous new stove, eggs on stove top, fridge and floor covered in something sticky( probably ice cream remains), Juice and cereal all over the kids picnic table, and red finger paint all over my door. My husband went to the basement where he found a mess we could not clean of finger paint( well poster paint that was stored in a box in the basement- see I knew there was no finger paint especially not in my house.) It covered my basement carpeting in my laundry area. My washer had hand prints, the floor has splotches and at least two smaller hampers of laundry are probably ruined from the paint sitting on them. Also in the mix my husband found an entire bottle of the dogs Bayer asprin dumped which was in a box in the basement as well still unpackled from the move. Upon counting we could find 109 pills of the 130 and I know the dogs have taken probably 6-8 at different points. My husband said he also had taken probably 4-5 at the old house when he could not find anything else. So we were missing at least 8 pills totally. Off to dial poison control at 1:30 AM...Have I mentioned with Monkey in the house we have the number on speed dial? turns out we were ok as long as they ate less then 5 apiece....Dont think they did that and the numbers confirm.
Still Mommy was in like a shock state upon seeing the mess. Then I heard the shrill pain screams of my little princess from upstairs. Monkey hit her over the head with something that sliced her at the hairline and caused bleeding to ensue. I could have throttled the child. Never have I felt such Hatred for my own child as when he harmed one of my other children potentially and literally placed my house in ruins all while he should have been asleep. Then the guilt of how can I feel hate at all for my child whom I love? How can I feel this way? Then the thought of my poor friend Emily who lost a precious baby 6 months ago and would do anything I am sure to have that little girl here to behave bad. So I sat and I bawled. And I bawled and I bawled. then I picked myself back up and went to the kitchen and started cleaning the mess made. I just do not get it still in the morning all fresh from more sleep. Why does this child do this? Why me with so little patience and who gets over whelmed too easily WHY would god place a child like this in my care? He is SOOOOOOOOOO much better on medication, but still he does these things like this that are So far above and beyound dangerous and harm others and nice items we own. Why can I not own anything nice at all without his ruining it. It is not a lack of discipline as for the most part my others are great kids and Monkey on meds behaves as well and is polite in public...So why does he ruin what matters to me? Why hurt his siblings. And why on my anniversary when everything else already went to shit? It gets to be so much somedays with him. Just him. I love having a Ton of little kids all at once. But he is so hard. I have locks everywhere. You forget a lock he will notice and this is what happens. It just feels so alone and like noone else relates when he does these things. And I WISH it were occasional and normal kid behavior this is my sons norm. I am tired. I am tired of worrying, tired of locking everything up, tired of having to take 700 extra steps noone els e has to take for the kids they have, tired of having my stuff ruined, tired tired tired. If you relate I would love the comments so at least I don't feel so alone. THANKS

HOLIDAY HOOPLA!

2007-12-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

Rules
1. List 12 random things about yourself that have to do with Christmas2. Please refer to it as a 'hoopla' and not the dreaded 'm'-word (which, for you bloggy newbies, is meme)3. You have to specifically tag people when you're done. None of this "if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged" stuff is allowed...then nobody ends up actually doing it. The number of people who you tag is really up to you -- but the more, the merrier to get this 'hoopla' circulating through the blogosphere.4. Please try and do it as quickly as possible. The Christmas season will be over before we know it and I'd like to get as many people involved as possible.Let the randomness begin!

1. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I WAYYYYY over buy for the kids every year because I remember the magical feeling of walking into a room filled with toys for one day at least. I love the feeling I get to see my kids faces now. I may not be teaching them the best thing in the world as the holiday is not all about presents, but We also partake in midnight mass, giving to the needy and other activities along these lines during the season. Besides can't I spoil them at least one day a year? Once a year I feel like I can give them ANYTHING and all is right.

2. I believed in Santa untill I was really old. I just hated to loose that magic the holiday brought thinking a magical person traveled all the world. I found out whehn I saw my mom wrapping a babysitters club gaame I wanted and then it was labeled SANTA.

3. Every year we give the kids a note from santa in the morning and they awake to one small gift in thier beds.

4. For the last 4 years my husband and I have stayed up the entire night on christmas eve wrapping gifts. This was obviously not good, and this year we plan to be finished this weekend days before christmas eve.

5. I don't think it feels like christmas without snow, yet I HATE snow. Go figure.

6. If I do not go to Grandma Jays on christmas day it just does not feel like christmas to me.

7. My favorite holiday memory from growing up was making cookies with my mother.

8. I used to go caroling every year with both my 4-H club and the girl scouts. never was the song Rudolph sang so humerously as when a large group of children perform it.

9. I have BEGGED, asked, pleaded, and begged some more for my husband to get me jewlrey for the last few years....I have yet to get some, maybe this year?

10. I put my tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving and we take it down at some point in early January. I love the light it puts off it just makes me feel warm and cozy.

11. I hate surprises, but I love to be surprised at christmas. I was never a snooper as a kid or a grown up. I get sad if I am told in advance what to expect. My husband can trust me so much that he told me exactly where my gifts were stored this year.

12. My Father enjoyed the pleasure the magic of christmas gave me so much that up untill I left home at 18 he would sneak out after I went to bed to put a few Special extra gifts under the tree, fill my stocking etc. The funny part was as I knew of santa not being real I got into the spirit as well and would sneak into the livingroom and put extra stuff under for him too and fill HIS stocking! LOL I still do this now adays not just for my kids, but also my husband.

Dreaded MEME

2007-12-17T18:23:00.000-08:00

The Dreaded 8 Things Meme!
My friend Sara tagged me to do the 8 things meme...so here goes.

Things I Am Passionate About
1.My family
2.My pets
3.reading
4. tv
5. My baby boards
6. friends
7. food
8.Sad stories of those in need

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1.Watch my kids grow up, marry, and make me some grandkids ( not too soon though! LOL)
2. See the pyramids in Egypt
3.Visit the Titanic wreckage (although I know this will never happen too, I love it Sara)
4. Sing on broadway or the Grand ole opery
5.Travel out west
6. Live somewhere warm
7. Travel with my husband KID FREE
8.Win the lottery (which would be a miracle since I don't play!)

8 Things I Say Often
1.Get your finger out of your nose
2.Get that out of your mouth
3.I love you
4.night night
5.Get down from there
6.Please go in the playroom
7.HUN!
8.Oh, for the love of God what now!?

8 Books I Have Read Recently
1.All the Harry Potter books (1-7 in order from start to finish)
2. Chicka chicka 1-2-3
3. Supernanny
4. A silly snowy day
5. I saw Santa!
6. Dinotrain
7. Elmo's christmas
8. Mr. Dog

8 Songs I Could Listen To Over And Over
1. Hips don't lie- Shakira
2. Santa Baby
3. Jingle bell rock
4. Streets of Heaven
5. You had me from hello- Kenny Chesney
6. God bless the brooken road- Rascall flatts
7. Mary did you know
8. Nothings gonna change my love for you

8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends
1.Honesty
2.Sense of Humor
3.Dedication
4.How much we have in common
5.Support
6.Caring
7.Willingness to listen
8. they have animals

8 People Who Should Totally Do This Meme- well since two of my friends already did and tagged me I have only one who I know does these things who blogs.
Annie

Menu Moday

2007-12-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

Well as suggested by Annie I have decided to attempt to make a meal plan for the next two weeks or so. Since my husband cooks on the weekends and usually Friday night( basicly whenever he is here for dinner) And I absolutely detest cooking and microwave meals are my thing this should proove to be a challange to not make but actually follow. But I am crazy( remember?) so I will try anything once.

Monday: Kids pick- we ended up having a breakfast dinner of scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon.
Tuesday: Boiled chicken with BBQ sauce, peas or carrots, and mashed potatoes
Wednesday: Spaghetti with turkey burger meat balls, Garlic bread, and cottage cheese with pineapple bits
Thursday: TACO night
Friday: Hubby cooks maybe something with Sirloin steak tips or his homemade general sow's chicken
Sat.: Hubby cooks and I believe we may have company for christmas
Sunday: Dinner at my fathers for christmas
Monday: Hamburger helper
Tuesday: christmas eve dinner. We always have shrimp on christmas so probably shrimp with cocktail sauce, imitation lobster meat with noodles, salad, and cottage cheese.
Wed.: Christmas dinner at Grandma Jays
Thursday: oven BBQ chicken with mashed potatoes, and corn
Friday: hubby cooks
Sat.: Hubby cooks
Sunday: Hubby cooks

Alright already! I wave my white flag

2007-12-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

I have been an avid reader of at least 6 different blogger blogs for months now. friends read my my space account regularly, so I do not REALLY need another area of the net to myself Right? Wrong. I have been thrown into a fit of jealousy at not having my own little room in the " BLOGGER" house. Jesus it is like being back in college and not making sorority.( OK I didn't pledge to get into a sorority, but still I bet it feels the same)

Anyways, So I have decided that instead of sitting outside the Big house in a fit of jealousy plotting to TP the place and possably add some eggs and soap into the mix- I would bite the bullet wave my white flag and make another Blog for myself to waste countless hours of a week on. Mind you I will have countless horror and comical tales to recount due to this as my kids will KNOW mommy is occupied on the computer wasting these precious hours a week- Thus they WILL attempt to rip, punch, smear, break, throw, and tip any and every item in the house they can manage to do so with. They may also appear to me wearing lampshades on the head, underwear AGAIN ON THE HEAD, carrying a cat covered in strawberry shampoo, or possably my favorite the older two appearing with a small Reesey Pieces appearing behind them dressed in his sisters clothing " because he was cold". Well at least life is far from boring around here!

Since I mentioned my monsters( er ah I mean lovely children- Yeah that's it) I guess I should introduce us. Since you have read this far I am guessing you lead an almost as boring and sad life as I! WOOOHOOOOO! Friends! You have no clue how thankful I am to see you here- someone who relates. WOW! OK Yes I lead a sheltered life.

In this sheltered life are myself- known to most as Rachelle, Shell, MOM, and of course Hun. I have also been called Crazy, mad, and loopy, though I can not figure out why? OH well. YOU can just refer to me in the language I know best on the web- Shell. I am married to the love of my life whom I have known since I was 6 we can just refer to him as Wookie. If you do not know the reason for this you need not know it. I had one son prior to our marriage whom my husband is in process of adopting. We affectionately call him Monkey- although being a child with ADHD this name fits more then I could ever describe to you on a blog page. Monkey has been busy being a monkey for 4 years now. He is definitely a struggle to raise while remaining sane, but it is a challenge I am happy to be part of. Second in my stair step is a little girl whom we call princess around these parts. She is a diva and knows it. She will throw a fit like none I have ever seen in a child. However she also knows how to run this kingdom smoothly and helps out around the house a lot and knows right from wrong. She also I must admit has me wrapped fairly tight around her little finger. I wanted nothing more then to be a mommy to a baby girl. A baby who would like to dance and play dress up, and let me do her hair. I got most of it, she loves dancing and dress up. Hair is another issue all together. For one at 2 1/2 this child barely has any still and what little she has she would not dream of letting me willingly play with. Head bands are just a nicely placed slingshot she can shoot at Monkey with and Barrettes are the next delicacy in the food pyramid. What you didn't know?!? Good thing you came here and read this then eh? Now Princess is VERY close to her youngest brother. When I mean close I mean age wise and emotionally. They are 11 months apart in age and have been sleeping in the same room since baby boy was a mere 3 months old. These two are connected in an amazing way. It is really like having a set of twins. They can relate without words. Princess climbs into his crib at night to be with him. They chase cats and make messes in the kitchen together. They are two of a kind. The counterpart to princess is my baby for now. His name varies between being Bugaboo, bug, and Reesey Pieces. We shall stick with the later since I know of two friends who already have Bugs.......Yeah lets not touch that. So Reesey Pieces is the baby at the tender age of 1 1/2. Mommy has baby fever again already. Of course Mommy is crazy remember? She wants 5 little ones. Daddy says maybe but will go for four. He is the little man now, but he was far from little at birth at a whopping 10 lbs 2 oz. (And his labor was 2 hours start to finish nearly ending in my van on the way to hospital and was completely natural.) Whats that I am superwoman? Why yes Thank you! I call that to myself often actually...Oh wait is that reality knocking at the door???

We also own a Zoo. 4 cats reside in our house- Morris, Baby, Hershey, and Smokey, 4 dogs in our basement/or yard depending on the day- Laila, Katie, Bear, and Cupid, a fish tank, and a bunny rabbit named Sammy or AKA Samantha.

So that's my intro. If you are crazy enough to want to come back we must have been friends long before now. If you were bored out of ya mind keep it to yourself this is my dream and I DON'T CARE!! LALALALALALA.

~ SHELL