It has been a while since ai last wrote in my blog. This last week has left me floored by hard decisions to make though, and then the shock of my life that left me shocked while at the same time staring face to face by a blatantly obvious blessing from God.
About a week ago I found out my husband and I were expecting another baby. A second condom baby. Visions floated through my head in all directions. I saw my family that I always dreamed of, I saw myself dying, I saw a baby who brought me back to myself, I saw angry family members, I saw lack of support, I saw my husband crippled by fear, I saw 9 months of fear and wonder, I saw my life as I tried so hard to come to terms with terminating a baby I always wanted. Yes, I was so scared, confused, terrified of dying ( from Hellp or postpartum psychosis complications), so afraid to face the unknowns that after speaking to one of my Dr's and remembering vividly all the speeches we had heard two years ago from my OB, and nurses on maternity, and ER staff, and psychiatrists...recalling everyone of them saying we could NOT have another baby as it would almost definitely kill me. I researched my odds and I had about a 60% chance of having Hellp again.....after many many tears, lots of praying, talking to my husband, talking to our neighbor, and trying to make peace with myself I decided we needed to at least go in and speak to a DR. regarding terminating the pregnancy.
This was the hardest thing I think I have ever had to decide. You see my entire life I have been pro life. I think there are cases like rape where only that mother can decide for herself and the option should exist legally for her, but over all I would hope she would decide to give that child life. I never thought I would find myself in these circumstances.
I cried myself to sleep the night before going in. I was so scared of what the office would be like. One of the main things we needed to know was an exact dating from ultrasound. I arrived, and sat next to two other women filling out the same forms. Randy held my hand, and I could barely focus. All I could think was what these other women's stories were. How big was the baby they were getting rid of. How did they feel? Did they have reasons I would support or would the story they told me make me feel nothing for them and everything for this young innocent being who could not speak and they wished to dispose of. Was I hypocritical for this?
Finally I was called back where they attempted to get blood from me. If you have followed my blog you know I am TERRIFIED of blood draws. the nurse was not amused despite my telling her in advance. They would not let Randy back with me, they ended up doing a finger stick as they were I think as traumatized as me after I bawled with just the attempt. Next I was asked to pee in a cup so they could confirm pregnancy. they seemed amazed I was there so early on, I guess they do not normally see people in thinking of abortion before 8-10 weeks. I would have been around 6. They told me that more then one test would be rin if they got a negative on the first as they had different sensitivity tests available. I was then sent in for an ultrasound. The screen faced away from me. i was so thankful for this, but found it so weird. I recalled all my past ultrasounds. they were usually happy, joyful, and my husband was there to share with me. I usually anticipated this little one, not planned to end their life before it began and by my own decision. I wondered if this meant I really was the evil women I feared I was when I thought I could hurt my children during the postpartum psychosis.
The nurse then told me she could not see anything with the abdominal ultrasound, and wanted to check my tests. She said that if they were positive that we would try a vaginal ultrasound. A few minutes later she returned to tell me one of my tests was negative and one positive. We went in to check the ultrasounds again with a vaginal screening. This time we found the gestational sac. It measured 12mm and estimated at just under 6 weeks. Here is where I felt god stand with me though as the nurse tells me that there is NOTHING in my sac. She blew it up 4 times to 400% there was just an empty sac. No yolk, no fetal pole nothing. They asked if anything odd had happened or been felt. I had been having what felt to me like braxton hicks for 2 days and had noticed some light staining when I wiped the night prior. The Dr was consulted and they informed me that most likely we were looking at a blighted ovum. At 6 weeks at least a yolk sac should be seen. Definitely with a gestational sac at 12mm. I agreed to take the RU486 abortion pill rather then have to go through surgery. I was saved by a god who loves me and I him of having to make the worst decision of my life. One no mother should ever face, my life or theirs LITERALLY. I felt guilty that I was leaning towards mine when in the past my baby would always have won. It was then my husband pointed out I never felt anything motherly or lovey this time. Apparently my heart and soul knew no child was really formed there in my womb.
I am going tomorrow to confirm all tissues have passed. The pill was not even 10% as bad as what I pictured. I can assure you I would feel totally different if a baby had been forming and I had to see it. I have miscarried 3 other times in my life. one of those was at around 9 weeks. I have seen a tiny little baby alien seahorse type thing pass. It is freaky and you never forget that child. I hope to never see the inside walls of a clinic like this again in my life after this. The staff was overall nice, and my last nurse was SO helpful. She reminded me that I am still pro life- that I was not making this decision just because, I was doing it to save a life, my own....I loved that. I still feel bad that I had to use medication to pass the sac, but I get infections easy and could not bear carrying a sac for who knows how long. Those were my options after this was found, wait it out, take the medication, or have a vacuum aspiration. Vacuum was out as I am afraid of it and just seeing the room where this would happen I nearly got sick. Thinking of all those lost souls....I still cringe and cry for those women who feel they have no way out. I feel angry as well, I dream of adopting some day and have given birth 4 times and miscarried 3 more (4 now I guess sort of) I only faced this decision because my life was truly in danger...too many use this as birth control. Too many do not want to do it because it is hard. Too many feel they are all alone.....Carry your baby and you will have made the biggest and best sacrifice one can. You will never again be all alone. Yes it is hard, but what is it for your child who is ripped from you feeling every bit of it and dying all alone. I get your fear. I get your pain....but you are carrying a gift. You have the only hands that can unwrap and open that gift...and for most of you doing so will not kill you. I believe in a choice when rape, incest, or life is present...but even then think hard. It is not easy, it is not pain free, and it does not all end when it is done. If it is your life do your research, talk to others, and pray lots! In incest cases I feel the same since the child has higher risk of complications. If it is rape remember this child is not them. You can revive yourself and give life to this little baby who did nothing.
I know this post was all over the place, but I just needed to speak from the heart. i have seen both sides now, and neither is easy. I would have done almost anything to erase my postpartum issues though and be able to safely have another baby. I am so thankful to god that when my decision was being made he handed me a safety net and asked me to climb in. I prayed and prayed for god to please take this child back into his hands safely and painlessly so i would not have to face the inside of a clinic making a decision that broke all my morals...I recall thinking in the waiting area if nothing is there I will take it as my OK from god. He took me one step further though and not only didn't have a fetus but also no yolk or fetal pole which I FULLY expected to see either way. ( having this many pregnancies I have ALWAYS had a heartbeat heard at 6 weeks....so to not have anything and a correct sized sac was a blessing.)
I still feel slightly guilty at not waiting it out, and the but what if's have started for me...But I know it was not viable. I can not begin to express the feelings of relief I have to not have had to face a decision with a fetus involved....I hope everyone knows how hard the other side is as well. I did not even leave my dead baby in their office and I will have nightmares of what occurs in that office. I think some of the staff I saw are amazing. They do not judge. I am sure they suffer with some of the cases, but for the ones who truely need it like I would have I am glad someone like them are there. The most amazing part for me though is something I hope stays around, I feel like I am more the old me then I have been in a long time. Maybe God sent me an even bigger blessing as the sac itself releases hormones not just the baby. I was terrified I could face depression again when the hormones went away. instead I feel more alive then i have in a while. not myself fully...but headed there. I hope it is not just while the hormones adjust and then I crawl back into the hole
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Roads long traveled...
My husband was telling me a story last week about a cat his family owned growing up. The cat somehow got lost most likely jumping onto the back of the pickup truck. His Family ran a concession stand at a local fair event, and they had been going to set up the tent the week the cat went missing. The event came and went and the cat was missing for well over a month. The family had given up hope and gone on with life figuring that the cat got hit, or someone took it in and he had a new home, or that he had crawled off somewheres to pass. Then one day up the road and onto the little porch crawled the cat that had gone missing. His paws showed wear like he had gone cross country, he was tired, thin, and probably a little thirsty as well....But the cat was home.
I feel like this story matches my life so well lately. All I want is to reach the safety, warmth and comfort of HOME. I want normal. I want to just be as I was prior. I have traveled a dusty twisted road for miles and miles and the pads of my feet ache just as I am sure that his cats did. But I keep traveling even when I can barely stand I keep going slowly step by step on a search for the comfort I once knew so well. Unfortunately just as life went on for my husbands family cat or no cat life has gone on around me. I feel like even when I am standing on the stoop of my own home life has just somehow changed. Mean while all I long for is my old normal. I am determined though. Some days feel tough and my feet bleed and I can imagine the taste of a nice cold drink of water but others I can feel nothing but defeat and imagine being stuck lost out here forever...still others I see hope. I can imagine curling lovingly up on the lap of my owner. See I really am much like a cat.
I have discovered that even once you get home, life feels different from the natural passage of time. It is hard to adjust to change when all you crave is the comfort that you knew. It is harder still when what set you into this state of hardness was the very thing that was once so new and exciting. I am sure that the cat was thrilled to travel with his family. I know a cat would LOVE getting to hunt around a new environment.... but there had to have come a point when loneliness and hunger set in. There came a point when all that cat craved was for his old life at a home he loved. He loved that home so much that he traveled for WEEKS to find home again.....That is how I feel. I struggle and am walking a very hard path I notice the differences and long for my old normal...But I keep walking through the pain because that is the only way to ever stand any chance at all of getting back. I am like a cat. The road is long. I am hungry, But I am like a cat. So I will keep on walking, because someday I may just stumble upon the place I called home.
I feel like this story matches my life so well lately. All I want is to reach the safety, warmth and comfort of HOME. I want normal. I want to just be as I was prior. I have traveled a dusty twisted road for miles and miles and the pads of my feet ache just as I am sure that his cats did. But I keep traveling even when I can barely stand I keep going slowly step by step on a search for the comfort I once knew so well. Unfortunately just as life went on for my husbands family cat or no cat life has gone on around me. I feel like even when I am standing on the stoop of my own home life has just somehow changed. Mean while all I long for is my old normal. I am determined though. Some days feel tough and my feet bleed and I can imagine the taste of a nice cold drink of water but others I can feel nothing but defeat and imagine being stuck lost out here forever...still others I see hope. I can imagine curling lovingly up on the lap of my owner. See I really am much like a cat.
I have discovered that even once you get home, life feels different from the natural passage of time. It is hard to adjust to change when all you crave is the comfort that you knew. It is harder still when what set you into this state of hardness was the very thing that was once so new and exciting. I am sure that the cat was thrilled to travel with his family. I know a cat would LOVE getting to hunt around a new environment.... but there had to have come a point when loneliness and hunger set in. There came a point when all that cat craved was for his old life at a home he loved. He loved that home so much that he traveled for WEEKS to find home again.....That is how I feel. I struggle and am walking a very hard path I notice the differences and long for my old normal...But I keep walking through the pain because that is the only way to ever stand any chance at all of getting back. I am like a cat. The road is long. I am hungry, But I am like a cat. So I will keep on walking, because someday I may just stumble upon the place I called home.
About me
...As if you needed to know more!I saw this little questionnaire on Emilys' blog page and thought it might be just the distraction we need over here as well.
What is your favorite thing to snack on while your blogging? I like to snack on anything and everything lately....peanuts sound good right now though!
2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? My computer.
3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?Hmm, I would go with beach.
4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty? Anything involving energy??? Oh wait...I guess ONE thing would be dishes.
5. Who do people say you remind them of?People who knew my mom when she was younger say I look like her only chunkier.
6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam?Home mostly, but occasional getting out is good!
7. What's your all time favorite movie?Dirty Dancing
8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night? Well I rarely wear makeup at all, so that is an easy clean up! LOL
9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? I sing and dance....Well! ( So much for modesty! LOL)
10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? getting babies to sleep through the night ( not sure how I did it, but all of them slept through within weeks)
11. What first attracted you to your spouse?He made me feel safe and he made me laugh....and He was a cute little Shit in School!
12. What is something you love to smell? Lilac kids shampoo
13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I like things to go my way and have a hard time with change.
14. When you have extra money, what's the first thing you think to do with it?Extra money? What's that? It always goes to the kiddos!
15. Are you a silent laughter or a loud laughter? If it's worthy of a laugh at all, it might as well be a loud one!
16. Where is your favorite place to shop? Target and Old Navy
17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time?I have more time than I've had in a while, actually, and I'm not so great at managing it. So I really don't know.
18. Are you a big spender or frugal?I try to be frugal... definitely, definitely not a big spender.
19. Who is your favorite character of all time? Too many to pick just one. Roseanne, Meredith Grey, Cupid, Sabrina.
20. Would you want to be famous?Nope.
What are some or all of your answers?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Can it really be?
Wow! I can hardly believe the life I live. I am very proud to say I am still here to experience it, yet I wish I felt the happiness this life used to bring me. Do not get me wrong I enjoy some things- but the true love for my life and the happiness it used to bring me seem to have gone somewhere deeper and though I search and search they do not want to resurface. The happy has not in any way been totally been replaced with sadness either, which I must say is a plus. I still enjoy my time with my husband and often long for the moments to last longer. I still talk to other parents and laugh. I still roll my eyes at my children's latest antics...It just all feels different and almost distant.
In light of all these feelings and struggles I face at times I made a decision recently to force myself to face the facts and own up to and actually recognize what I DID do over the last year. I have always been awful at giving myself credit. I usually notice more what I do wrong or should have done instead.... believe this was most likely installed into me long ago growing up. I am not passing off blame and pointing fingers, No I take responsibility for my life and know that although I may have been dished some bad times It could have been worse and I made it. It is now my own responsibility to move past it.....Too bad it is not that easy.
I needed and wanted help so bad when I first came home and that made me feel weak, insignificant, replaced, and stuck. But the fact is I was here. Despite my liver being in the beginning stages of failure, despite having out of control BP, and despite having dizzy spells and anxiety attacks I was here. Yes I needed help but I was here. I may not have held my baby nearly as often as I wish I had but I did hold her. Those days and the many talks I got to share with an old friend....That is what I want focus to be on. Now to make my head and heart believe it.
When I entered into postpartum depression and then psychosis in October of last year I still reached for the man I loved. I still wanted his approval and input. I still for brief moments felt safer if he was near. It may not feel like enough some days but the truth lies on my next statement at least for me. That man was so connected to my soul that even when slipping Far away mentally I reached for him and trusted him. That man who has faced so many struggles of his own this past year lies next to me now snoring away- I will let it go for a few moments just to relish the fact that he is still beside me to do it.
My spirituality has grown again after a long lapse of being placed on a back burner. I never stopped believing, but now we attend a church again and I get to share re finding a path with god with my husband.
I was present when my baby took her first steps. I was here for everyone of our children's birthdays. I got to attend my oldest sons preschool graduation. I was around for his start in the big school. I got to help my daughter learn Spanish. I witnesses my younger son grow to an age where he felt comfortable sleeping in a separate room from his sister who is less then a year older. they have been like twins and inseparable since he was born...He now sleeps in his big brothers room AKA the boys room as we had always planned. I saw my sons first soccer game and my daughters dance classes. All of these things would have taken place with or without me here, but I am glad I got to be there to witness them first hand...I hope my children are happy and proud of the fact that I was there as well.
Can it really be that I am still here a year from when this all started? I am still standing. My legs feel weak, my heart aches, and I long for the "easy" life again, but I am still here. It hardly seems possable. To me it seems like time stood still and I am still so lost and upset that there is NO way a year has passed....then reality hits and I realize it is true. A YEAR...Part of me hurts that a year passed and the pain is still here but part of me takes great pride in saying I survived a year of extremely tough times and am still here. I still have my marriage, I still have a life with my children, all my pets are still with us, and life has grown into something hard for me to fathom. Life continued and all I want is to find my footwork and stand again where I last remember feeling normal...but life went on without me knowing how to stand. A Year...Can it Really Be?
In light of all these feelings and struggles I face at times I made a decision recently to force myself to face the facts and own up to and actually recognize what I DID do over the last year. I have always been awful at giving myself credit. I usually notice more what I do wrong or should have done instead.... believe this was most likely installed into me long ago growing up. I am not passing off blame and pointing fingers, No I take responsibility for my life and know that although I may have been dished some bad times It could have been worse and I made it. It is now my own responsibility to move past it.....Too bad it is not that easy.
I needed and wanted help so bad when I first came home and that made me feel weak, insignificant, replaced, and stuck. But the fact is I was here. Despite my liver being in the beginning stages of failure, despite having out of control BP, and despite having dizzy spells and anxiety attacks I was here. Yes I needed help but I was here. I may not have held my baby nearly as often as I wish I had but I did hold her. Those days and the many talks I got to share with an old friend....That is what I want focus to be on. Now to make my head and heart believe it.
When I entered into postpartum depression and then psychosis in October of last year I still reached for the man I loved. I still wanted his approval and input. I still for brief moments felt safer if he was near. It may not feel like enough some days but the truth lies on my next statement at least for me. That man was so connected to my soul that even when slipping Far away mentally I reached for him and trusted him. That man who has faced so many struggles of his own this past year lies next to me now snoring away- I will let it go for a few moments just to relish the fact that he is still beside me to do it.
My spirituality has grown again after a long lapse of being placed on a back burner. I never stopped believing, but now we attend a church again and I get to share re finding a path with god with my husband.
I was present when my baby took her first steps. I was here for everyone of our children's birthdays. I got to attend my oldest sons preschool graduation. I was around for his start in the big school. I got to help my daughter learn Spanish. I witnesses my younger son grow to an age where he felt comfortable sleeping in a separate room from his sister who is less then a year older. they have been like twins and inseparable since he was born...He now sleeps in his big brothers room AKA the boys room as we had always planned. I saw my sons first soccer game and my daughters dance classes. All of these things would have taken place with or without me here, but I am glad I got to be there to witness them first hand...I hope my children are happy and proud of the fact that I was there as well.
Can it really be that I am still here a year from when this all started? I am still standing. My legs feel weak, my heart aches, and I long for the "easy" life again, but I am still here. It hardly seems possable. To me it seems like time stood still and I am still so lost and upset that there is NO way a year has passed....then reality hits and I realize it is true. A YEAR...Part of me hurts that a year passed and the pain is still here but part of me takes great pride in saying I survived a year of extremely tough times and am still here. I still have my marriage, I still have a life with my children, all my pets are still with us, and life has grown into something hard for me to fathom. Life continued and all I want is to find my footwork and stand again where I last remember feeling normal...but life went on without me knowing how to stand. A Year...Can it Really Be?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Do you know Peace?
So much pain, tears, stumbling, screaming, confusion, and anger have followed me throughout the last 10 months that I have barely had a moments rest. My mind feels cluttered 9/10 times. I just feel frazzled and angry so often thinking of all I missed out on and will never get again. The 10th time has been rare, VERY rare indeed. I have to share though and I hope so many of you will be able to relate.
It will start with a question. DO you know peace? Do you know of a time when your mind rests, you feel warm inside, you notice nothing but how very blue the sky is? Do you know the feeling of comfort? A feeling like " Hey everything will be alright"....Yeah It is certainly a rare moment for me too. The few times I have felt this in the last months have been something I have struggled with figuring out exactly how to share. How do I tell this story, and not come off sounding even crazier then I am!?
I guess as I learned long ago when I started dating my husband, the best and only way is to jump in with both feet. The peace I speak of came to me through the grace of God...Literally. I have been a christian believer most of my life. I am far from a Holy rolling strong willed woman, but I believe. That is as far as my belief has gone though. I believed, because I saw no reason not to. I figured if you live like there is a God and actually treat others nicely and try to be the best person you can be What harm did you do? I can not imagine much harm can come in that...However live like there is no god and treat others with no respect, always try to one up others, always have attitude and be a grump- act better then others, well imagine the world if we all acted that way. I for one do not want to live in a world that fits that image! I have heard stories through the years of people feeling the spirit guiding them, even speak t them or their hearts. My confusion began there. I believed, but God had never not once came knocking on my door screaming " YO get up! Move Move move...Do you know that there are children, animals, and disabled members out there in the world who need you!? GET UP!!!! They are right there, head on over to 867 Flatbed river St and look for yourself. THEY NEED YOU!!!!" yeah, I can say I never heard that, and questioned how others could have heard anything when all I got was the swishing sound inside my head from focusing too hard on my thoughts.
All I got was the swooshing sound until oddly enough I broke down to the weakest and hardest point I feel I will ever god willing face in my life. Suddenly out of nowhere one day while out driving to see Randy and the children The radio I had blasting loudly as usual drifted far away in sound. I got the most amazing feeling of warmth one can imagine and I felt calm. CALM!? Yes I still to this day question how I felt that myself. There in my car while driving I felt as if I had a hand on my shoulder and I felt peace. In my car that day I went from the feeling a camel must feel when packed to the brink with baggage. I was becoming crushed under the weight and then just peace. There is no explanation to me or my immediate family other then God was there with me. I had a similar occurrence two more times VERY spread out and I can not even begin to tell you how badly I searched for that feeling. I would drive in my car blasting the music talking to myself ( well I was hoping it was to God and maybe he would Liston and show himself again) Begging literally for that peace. Trying to reason with what I did not know. Trying to just force that feeling again. Once you have had it NOTHING compares. I guess if it were always there we would not hold on so tightly to those rare moments though. If it was always there we would not have any need to believe or to appreciate it.
The reason I decided to share all this tonight is I had that peace once more today. I was driving to Target and I swear I saw a face in the clouds smiling down on me...No sooner did I see it ( Imagine the pictures we all so often see in church of Jesus and That is close to what I saw) and it was gone replaced only by Bright beams of sunshine literally. ( you know when you can actually see the beams coming down at earth?) I tried and tried to find what I could have seen. I of course could only search so hard being I needed to keep my car on the road as well! LOL I never did see it again, but maybe ten minutes or so after I saw it and suddenly I had this INTENSE urge to turn the radio to the christian Family Radio station. I am not a Huge listener of christian music, as you can tell by my list below I like some groups that are christian- but my true love is Country music followed close by groups like Nickleback. I do not even know what station plays christian music! Yet I found it in three quick flips of the dial. I found it and suddenly there was that peace....But this time it was different. This time I had old memories that really happened in my life reappear in my minds eye, but as I saw them I FELT the happiness, the joy, the anticipation I felt when they first happened. Anyone who knows me well, knows I have not FELT any true feelings especially memory related feelings and ESPECIALLY happiness in over a year. Yes folks a YEAR if I face the truth....the last time was when I was still pregnant. But I felt it and saw it today. I literally had to wipe the tears away so I could see to drive. They were tears of happiness though as I said out loud to myself ( because I could not believe it myself even!) " I CAN FEEL!" " I CAN FEEL IT!!!" " I know what it felt like when that happened! I was happy! I can feel it!" If the cars next to me could have heard they would probably have me back on the Hospital wing! All I wanted at that moment was someone close to me especially my husband- someone to share it with. Someone who would appreciate it, and celebrate it with me as much as I was.
It still brings a smile to my face now to write it. I did have some of the feeling fade away again, but I still have a sliver of it inside and can bring it up at will. The smile on my husbands face when I told him also made me smile again. We have faced a VERY rough year. It is far from over. But if I can keep having these brief moments of peace I think I would stick around just to search for the goal of ultimately finding that peace more permanently...It is that amazing. I am sure some of you are thinking how very far off the deep end I have gone to be writing this. Believe what you want, but I hope you will share in the journey of trying to find the peace I speak of. My husband is not a strong Christian either, but I think he knows exactly what I am saying to you. I think he knows not 100% for sure what exactly happened or what I saw, but he knows I Felt and saw something! He knows and I think he likes what It brings to us. The moments we have shared talking about these experiences and saying prayer's because we had nothing else left we could try...Those are the moments I felt closest to him, and those are the days I will live a life striving to repeat over and over.
So Again I ask have you felt Peace? If you have please leave me a comment telling your story, and if not I hope maybe my story can be an inspiration in leading you down a path to a place maybe you can. It is amazing!
It will start with a question. DO you know peace? Do you know of a time when your mind rests, you feel warm inside, you notice nothing but how very blue the sky is? Do you know the feeling of comfort? A feeling like " Hey everything will be alright"....Yeah It is certainly a rare moment for me too. The few times I have felt this in the last months have been something I have struggled with figuring out exactly how to share. How do I tell this story, and not come off sounding even crazier then I am!?
I guess as I learned long ago when I started dating my husband, the best and only way is to jump in with both feet. The peace I speak of came to me through the grace of God...Literally. I have been a christian believer most of my life. I am far from a Holy rolling strong willed woman, but I believe. That is as far as my belief has gone though. I believed, because I saw no reason not to. I figured if you live like there is a God and actually treat others nicely and try to be the best person you can be What harm did you do? I can not imagine much harm can come in that...However live like there is no god and treat others with no respect, always try to one up others, always have attitude and be a grump- act better then others, well imagine the world if we all acted that way. I for one do not want to live in a world that fits that image! I have heard stories through the years of people feeling the spirit guiding them, even speak t them or their hearts. My confusion began there. I believed, but God had never not once came knocking on my door screaming " YO get up! Move Move move...Do you know that there are children, animals, and disabled members out there in the world who need you!? GET UP!!!! They are right there, head on over to 867 Flatbed river St and look for yourself. THEY NEED YOU!!!!" yeah, I can say I never heard that, and questioned how others could have heard anything when all I got was the swishing sound inside my head from focusing too hard on my thoughts.
All I got was the swooshing sound until oddly enough I broke down to the weakest and hardest point I feel I will ever god willing face in my life. Suddenly out of nowhere one day while out driving to see Randy and the children The radio I had blasting loudly as usual drifted far away in sound. I got the most amazing feeling of warmth one can imagine and I felt calm. CALM!? Yes I still to this day question how I felt that myself. There in my car while driving I felt as if I had a hand on my shoulder and I felt peace. In my car that day I went from the feeling a camel must feel when packed to the brink with baggage. I was becoming crushed under the weight and then just peace. There is no explanation to me or my immediate family other then God was there with me. I had a similar occurrence two more times VERY spread out and I can not even begin to tell you how badly I searched for that feeling. I would drive in my car blasting the music talking to myself ( well I was hoping it was to God and maybe he would Liston and show himself again) Begging literally for that peace. Trying to reason with what I did not know. Trying to just force that feeling again. Once you have had it NOTHING compares. I guess if it were always there we would not hold on so tightly to those rare moments though. If it was always there we would not have any need to believe or to appreciate it.
The reason I decided to share all this tonight is I had that peace once more today. I was driving to Target and I swear I saw a face in the clouds smiling down on me...No sooner did I see it ( Imagine the pictures we all so often see in church of Jesus and That is close to what I saw) and it was gone replaced only by Bright beams of sunshine literally. ( you know when you can actually see the beams coming down at earth?) I tried and tried to find what I could have seen. I of course could only search so hard being I needed to keep my car on the road as well! LOL I never did see it again, but maybe ten minutes or so after I saw it and suddenly I had this INTENSE urge to turn the radio to the christian Family Radio station. I am not a Huge listener of christian music, as you can tell by my list below I like some groups that are christian- but my true love is Country music followed close by groups like Nickleback. I do not even know what station plays christian music! Yet I found it in three quick flips of the dial. I found it and suddenly there was that peace....But this time it was different. This time I had old memories that really happened in my life reappear in my minds eye, but as I saw them I FELT the happiness, the joy, the anticipation I felt when they first happened. Anyone who knows me well, knows I have not FELT any true feelings especially memory related feelings and ESPECIALLY happiness in over a year. Yes folks a YEAR if I face the truth....the last time was when I was still pregnant. But I felt it and saw it today. I literally had to wipe the tears away so I could see to drive. They were tears of happiness though as I said out loud to myself ( because I could not believe it myself even!) " I CAN FEEL!" " I CAN FEEL IT!!!" " I know what it felt like when that happened! I was happy! I can feel it!" If the cars next to me could have heard they would probably have me back on the Hospital wing! All I wanted at that moment was someone close to me especially my husband- someone to share it with. Someone who would appreciate it, and celebrate it with me as much as I was.
It still brings a smile to my face now to write it. I did have some of the feeling fade away again, but I still have a sliver of it inside and can bring it up at will. The smile on my husbands face when I told him also made me smile again. We have faced a VERY rough year. It is far from over. But if I can keep having these brief moments of peace I think I would stick around just to search for the goal of ultimately finding that peace more permanently...It is that amazing. I am sure some of you are thinking how very far off the deep end I have gone to be writing this. Believe what you want, but I hope you will share in the journey of trying to find the peace I speak of. My husband is not a strong Christian either, but I think he knows exactly what I am saying to you. I think he knows not 100% for sure what exactly happened or what I saw, but he knows I Felt and saw something! He knows and I think he likes what It brings to us. The moments we have shared talking about these experiences and saying prayer's because we had nothing else left we could try...Those are the moments I felt closest to him, and those are the days I will live a life striving to repeat over and over.
So Again I ask have you felt Peace? If you have please leave me a comment telling your story, and if not I hope maybe my story can be an inspiration in leading you down a path to a place maybe you can. It is amazing!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Ahhh Crap.......
When one has a momentary lapse in sanity and slips fast into a Place far away from normal the last thing you think is that the medications given to help you and ease life back to normal will one day become a problem. Lets get one thing straight right from the get go I HATED having to pop a pill to see even small glimpses of the life I once loved. It was unfair. It was not OK. It made me different.
I cried many nights to my beloved Husband and to God. Whining as much and as annoyingly I am sure as my children do to me. But it was and it still is unfair! Why me? Why now 4 children in? Why my life? Why me who is so weak? What in the world did I do to deserve such an injustice!? Why must I miss all my favorite times in babyhood? Why must I stress my family out? Why, Why, Why!? I am sure that both God and my husband are sick of the never ending Burden of hearing me. I will say both have stood beside me through every moment of this maddening mess though.
So now I am 1 year out from the birth that started the whole mess. I am staring down a dark tunnel towards the day fast approaching which will forever mark the day I lost touch. I am still not 100% back to normal. I am still pissed above and beyond at the injustice this was to me, I still do not understand, I still feel jipped, I still wonder why, and I still feel guilty for something I had no control over.
As the dreaded day fast approaches coming up in 8 weeks 2 days 8 hours and 59 minutes ( to the day it all started add 2 days to get the day the psychosis officially began) I am scared. I still feel just as out of control some days now as I did then- The difference being I know who I am, what is happening, and some ways to help control the intensity now. I also am not attached much to my children anymore or at least not as I was, but I no longer have the thoughts of harming them. The fact that that went away is a relief, but now I face the FEARS of having the thoughts come back again. That is where the PTSD portion of this huge mess comes in. No matter how I looked at it though I knew one thing. If I was going to make it out of this I did not want to be on drugs for the rest of my life. My personal feelings on this matter at this point are that They are not doing much for me anymore. My problems now stem from the PTSD and the fears and trauma of all that has occurred. I need to deal and do therapy not be drugged up. My Dr. Gave the OK about a month ago now to lower my Welbutrin down another step. I am now at the dose I was when I originally started that drug. We also have pretty well cut my Seroquel out totally. I take half of a 25mg pill which is basically nothing. I have not used my Visteral in 3-4 months now and hope to not need it again....And the Cymbalta has been maintained at the lowest level prescribed since I started it.
One would think this is all great news! If the Dr is allowing me to drop pills I am better right? If The Dr allowed me to lower doses then I am celebrating right? WRONG! The Dr. lowered my doses reluctantly because of severe side effects I was having on the Welbutrin. I requested to attempt dropping the Seroquel and he said OK as I was on such a small dose, and The Cymbalta I just dropped recently due to a fluke and error on my part. My pill bottle got left somewhere by accident. I missed a night and then another and by the third day I called to talk to the Dr and he said I could continue staying off and see how it goes if that is what I wanted, or I could restart it..He left it up to me. Celebrating is far from the mind however when you enter with drawl on these drugs.
I am a sensitive person to medications anyways, but Seroquel being kept at half a pill is my doing because I do not want to face the with drawls again I faced when going from 50mg-25mg. I had insomnia, I was hot, I got headaches, I was moody, I had several anxiety attacks, and it just plain out sucked. Now I stopped the Cymbalta and I am having with drawl from that. OH MY does the with drawls from this one bite!!! I have had a bad headache for two days, I am hot, I am cold, My joints ache, I feel like I am going to puke my guts out any moment, and the world started spinning making me dizzy earlier tonight. I am also having weird creepy dreams that are out of place. To top it all off I am moody, feel like crying on and off, and then there are the thoughts of passably hurting myself or thinking how nice smothering my dear husband would be to make the snoring stop...The good thing is I am sane enough not to act on any of these things. I also know they are occurring unlike before. They scare me none the less though! I also have spoke with my Dr and with a message board that deals with this particular drug and these are all fairly common with drawls off from it including the thoughts. The good news is They should end in the next 2-4 weeks. the bad news is that I may not have had the worst of them yet. I have been able to help ease some of them such as the spinning by taking dramine....No one ever tells you about this part though, and you are not worried about it when you are that low. Drugs made to help you should not take you back making you feel as if you are mere inches away from the spot you were at your worst! It is scary!! I at least have a husband who has stayed with me for two days and is going to be ready to come home if needed at any point for the next few weeks. I also have a Dr on call, but still it is hard work facing up to your worst fears again.
I can say I know what my problem is and no drug will fix it. My problem is letting my own guilt go. I have yet to forgive myself for missing so much and loosing so much. I have yet to move past all I felt, and so I fear it all staring again. no drug will fix that. I would like to think I am strong enough to work on this without a drug....I am also stable enough though to know if I reach a point I can't I will pop that pill again to try all over again in a few more months. I have an ultimate goal, but I will not endanger myself or my family to get there. If I were talking to a friend I know what I would say, but hearing it all in my head is not helping....I need more help then I myself can give in getting past this. I am proud to say I can see I have improved despite my fears. I can say despite the fact that The last thing I felt like doing was being a mom I have been. I was at Mothers Day tea at my kids school, I was at preschool graduation, I have done family outings, we have gone swimming, we did picnics, I have school shopped, I have rocked a baby to sleep, I have done bed time books, I have done baths, I have been the one to remember medications, I have celebrated birthdays, I was here for Christmas, I got to witness the joy on my kids faces for firework displays, I stood up for my kids, and I have helped them. I saw my oldest baby grow up into a little boy who will start school at the big school this year. I got to attend the teachers meet and greet....and looking back I am so very glad I did these things! I may not have been present as I would have normally been, I may not have enjoyed them as much as I would normally have....But I was there. Those are the moments and the thoughts that will get me through all these horrid with drawls and fears. That and my husband. He may be Jerkish at times when he is burned out ( who isn't!?) But He is there. He is trying. I honestly think for the most part he really would give me the world. Having him remind me this too will pass and it is the with drawling helps so much- Just knowing he is there for me even when I don't want him near means the world. I guess when I look at it that way despite this hellish time lately I really do have a lot.
I cried many nights to my beloved Husband and to God. Whining as much and as annoyingly I am sure as my children do to me. But it was and it still is unfair! Why me? Why now 4 children in? Why my life? Why me who is so weak? What in the world did I do to deserve such an injustice!? Why must I miss all my favorite times in babyhood? Why must I stress my family out? Why, Why, Why!? I am sure that both God and my husband are sick of the never ending Burden of hearing me. I will say both have stood beside me through every moment of this maddening mess though.
So now I am 1 year out from the birth that started the whole mess. I am staring down a dark tunnel towards the day fast approaching which will forever mark the day I lost touch. I am still not 100% back to normal. I am still pissed above and beyond at the injustice this was to me, I still do not understand, I still feel jipped, I still wonder why, and I still feel guilty for something I had no control over.
As the dreaded day fast approaches coming up in 8 weeks 2 days 8 hours and 59 minutes ( to the day it all started add 2 days to get the day the psychosis officially began) I am scared. I still feel just as out of control some days now as I did then- The difference being I know who I am, what is happening, and some ways to help control the intensity now. I also am not attached much to my children anymore or at least not as I was, but I no longer have the thoughts of harming them. The fact that that went away is a relief, but now I face the FEARS of having the thoughts come back again. That is where the PTSD portion of this huge mess comes in. No matter how I looked at it though I knew one thing. If I was going to make it out of this I did not want to be on drugs for the rest of my life. My personal feelings on this matter at this point are that They are not doing much for me anymore. My problems now stem from the PTSD and the fears and trauma of all that has occurred. I need to deal and do therapy not be drugged up. My Dr. Gave the OK about a month ago now to lower my Welbutrin down another step. I am now at the dose I was when I originally started that drug. We also have pretty well cut my Seroquel out totally. I take half of a 25mg pill which is basically nothing. I have not used my Visteral in 3-4 months now and hope to not need it again....And the Cymbalta has been maintained at the lowest level prescribed since I started it.
One would think this is all great news! If the Dr is allowing me to drop pills I am better right? If The Dr allowed me to lower doses then I am celebrating right? WRONG! The Dr. lowered my doses reluctantly because of severe side effects I was having on the Welbutrin. I requested to attempt dropping the Seroquel and he said OK as I was on such a small dose, and The Cymbalta I just dropped recently due to a fluke and error on my part. My pill bottle got left somewhere by accident. I missed a night and then another and by the third day I called to talk to the Dr and he said I could continue staying off and see how it goes if that is what I wanted, or I could restart it..He left it up to me. Celebrating is far from the mind however when you enter with drawl on these drugs.
I am a sensitive person to medications anyways, but Seroquel being kept at half a pill is my doing because I do not want to face the with drawls again I faced when going from 50mg-25mg. I had insomnia, I was hot, I got headaches, I was moody, I had several anxiety attacks, and it just plain out sucked. Now I stopped the Cymbalta and I am having with drawl from that. OH MY does the with drawls from this one bite!!! I have had a bad headache for two days, I am hot, I am cold, My joints ache, I feel like I am going to puke my guts out any moment, and the world started spinning making me dizzy earlier tonight. I am also having weird creepy dreams that are out of place. To top it all off I am moody, feel like crying on and off, and then there are the thoughts of passably hurting myself or thinking how nice smothering my dear husband would be to make the snoring stop...The good thing is I am sane enough not to act on any of these things. I also know they are occurring unlike before. They scare me none the less though! I also have spoke with my Dr and with a message board that deals with this particular drug and these are all fairly common with drawls off from it including the thoughts. The good news is They should end in the next 2-4 weeks. the bad news is that I may not have had the worst of them yet. I have been able to help ease some of them such as the spinning by taking dramine....No one ever tells you about this part though, and you are not worried about it when you are that low. Drugs made to help you should not take you back making you feel as if you are mere inches away from the spot you were at your worst! It is scary!! I at least have a husband who has stayed with me for two days and is going to be ready to come home if needed at any point for the next few weeks. I also have a Dr on call, but still it is hard work facing up to your worst fears again.
I can say I know what my problem is and no drug will fix it. My problem is letting my own guilt go. I have yet to forgive myself for missing so much and loosing so much. I have yet to move past all I felt, and so I fear it all staring again. no drug will fix that. I would like to think I am strong enough to work on this without a drug....I am also stable enough though to know if I reach a point I can't I will pop that pill again to try all over again in a few more months. I have an ultimate goal, but I will not endanger myself or my family to get there. If I were talking to a friend I know what I would say, but hearing it all in my head is not helping....I need more help then I myself can give in getting past this. I am proud to say I can see I have improved despite my fears. I can say despite the fact that The last thing I felt like doing was being a mom I have been. I was at Mothers Day tea at my kids school, I was at preschool graduation, I have done family outings, we have gone swimming, we did picnics, I have school shopped, I have rocked a baby to sleep, I have done bed time books, I have done baths, I have been the one to remember medications, I have celebrated birthdays, I was here for Christmas, I got to witness the joy on my kids faces for firework displays, I stood up for my kids, and I have helped them. I saw my oldest baby grow up into a little boy who will start school at the big school this year. I got to attend the teachers meet and greet....and looking back I am so very glad I did these things! I may not have been present as I would have normally been, I may not have enjoyed them as much as I would normally have....But I was there. Those are the moments and the thoughts that will get me through all these horrid with drawls and fears. That and my husband. He may be Jerkish at times when he is burned out ( who isn't!?) But He is there. He is trying. I honestly think for the most part he really would give me the world. Having him remind me this too will pass and it is the with drawling helps so much- Just knowing he is there for me even when I don't want him near means the world. I guess when I look at it that way despite this hellish time lately I really do have a lot.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Not Me Monday!
Well Today marks a first here at my blog. I have officially stepped up and decided to join in the fun of not me Monday. What's that? YOU do not have a clue what not me Monday is? Well here let me help you.
Not Me Monday is a fantastic fun way of getting all hidden away secrets of how your REAL life goes out in the open. Use a pad as a diaper on your child because you forgot the diapers at home? here ya go. Have a messy playroom with no floor able to be seen?? Yup that too fits. Did you decide that bath night could be pushed off because you used a baby wipe on the kid to clean them? Yup! So now you get the idea of what fits, now you need to know how to write it. NONE of us would ever REALLY do any of these horrid unmotherly acts in real life would we!? NO! So we must of course write it out in blogging that It was not me who used a pad on my kid! Still do not understand? Maybe stopping in at the link in the top of this post will help or just keep reading here and we can all hope for the best!!
So here goes nothing!
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My house could not possibly be known as home to 13 animals. Nope not mine! We most certainly would never have that many pets THAT would be insane!
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We most certainly are not the people who also willingly took on a 7th cat for a week while the family traveled out of state.
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My house is always clean and tidy. I am certainly not one of those people who could not tell you the last time I mopped my floors! I am also certainly not uncertain of what lays on my floor in the playroom because too many toys are scattered. Not me!
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I can not fathom how other families can live out of laundry baskets of clean clothing or live with giant piles of dirty clothes. MY laundry is always caught up and folded or hung to be put away immediately....Yeah, No piles or baskets of clothing in MY house!
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I most certainly do not send my children outside to play on the trampoline just to get a few seconds of peace....NEVER!
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My children most certainly will never see the walls of a daycare or have someone else watch over them long term....THAT would be so unmotherly of me. And while we are on the mothering subject I can not imagine post partum issues really exist or what a life would be like living with them! Certainly You can will all that away just using your special mommy skills! Even worse I can not imagine having to do these two things together. Imagine sending your children to day care because you are suffering from post partum!? NO WAY! Not for me!
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IF I ever did have to send my children into those awful walls of daycare, I most certainly would never enjoy having the time alone during the day! That would be horrid and so selfish!
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I would never use my caller ID to screen calls, and avoid talking to those annoying bill collectors. I mean honestly those people should be out a job. If people would just grow up and pay everything on time the job would not exist. How childish not to take responsibility for your bills and pay everything. If you have a medical emergency happen you should just drop everything else and live as a hermit to make sure you can pay every last penny off....That is what I would do. I would NEVER have a bill collector call my home.
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I most certainly am not addicted to buying baby clothing. I can not imagine buying things second hand at a yard sale either! I mean honestly how yucky! I do not have bins upon bins of baby clothing in our closets. All clothing my kids do have most certainly came from a store, and we only have what we need. Imagine having all that clothing, ......Honestly!
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I most certainly did not put my daughter into shorts with no underwear the other day because I forgot to pack them. That could not possibly have been me.
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I also could not possibly be the person you saw stopped on the side of the road last week in the middle of nowhere so my two preschoolers could pee in the grass. That is disgusting, I would never do that! Kids can always hold it long enough to get to a proper bathroom, besides I would never be the mom who forgets to ask her kid to go to the bathroom before we leave the house...Nope not me!
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See ya next week!!
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